better than good

Faith is like jumping off of a cliff and hoping that either a) Heavenly Father is building a much more stable ledge somewhere close enough to land or b) He's figuring out a way to teach you to fly. Faith requires so much trust for Heavenly Father, and I have come to the conclusion that the only way to really be able to develop that trust is to go through experiences where God is the only way to move forward.

I'm not going to lie --  these past couple of weeks, I've probably exercised my faith more than I've been able to actually get out and exercise my body.

"But why?" you might ask. "Everything is going great for you! You're at your dream school, you got your dream job ... why do you need faith in a moment when things are so good?" I've asked myself the same question a million times ... and this week, I thought of an answer.

The truth: it takes faith to leave a good thing.

I've been thinking about our life before we came to the earth. We had it GOOD there! We lived with Heavenly Father and knew him and life must have been pretty great ... except that it was impossible to reach our full potential unless we left that GOOD LIFE for something better ahead. Leaving that behind must have been a HUGE act of faith, especially considering that we had no guarantee that we would go through life without trials.

With that lack of knowledge, we jumped ... and I am confident that the experiences we are having on earth are helping us to fly to levels of happiness that we could never imagine.

Similar to leaving our pre-mortal life of splendor (but probably not as big of a deal) was my decision to leave Rexburg, Idaho. I was so content at BYU-Idaho. I knew people EVERYWHERE I went. I knew how to interact with them. I was doing so well in my classes. I had a full-ride scholarship. My brother was there. I had a great ward.

It was good.

But I knew that I needed to leave, somehow knowing that I could never reach my true potential unless I started living outside of my comfort zone again. I felt guided by Heavenly Father to take that jump and come down to Provo, leaving behind loved ones, financial aide, and the promise of academic ease. It took some crazy faith to believe that God was working to make my life better than good ... that he was in the details to making my life extraordinary.

I am happy to say that I have seen God's hand more than ever in my life after my decision to take a step into the uncertainty of my future. I am still so uncertain about so many things, but I am beginning to see the beautiful blessings that come from trusting in Heavenly Father's tiny micro-plan for tiny old me. They are abundant and real.

He has raised me up to thrive at BYU ...

He has helped me to find amazing people to associate with.

He gracefully allowed me to get my job AT THE MTC.

I feel so incredibly blessed! Even with those blessings, however, being in Provo still requires the daily decision of faith in good things to come. In Christ (who is sometimes call a good priest of high things to come), I have a pretty good foundation to rely on.

If you are facing a leap that seems terrifying, take heart. Life will almost never pan out exactly as expected, but I promise that God is a perfect architect of happiness. He is already working to build a future for those that trust in Him that is better than good.

efy (part 1)

I've tried writing this post 1.2 million times.

That's definitely an exaggeration, but I have attempted over and over again to put the right words together to convey just how incredible my experience at EFY has been.

I've talked a lot about EFY on my blog ... I've been kind of obsessed with this program for the past 7 years. As I have gotten to have the EFY experience as a counselor this summer, my obsession has expanded and matured. EFY has always marked important life change decisions in my life, and the time that I spent as a counselor has been even more life changing.

A couple of the big life changes are as follows:

1. I am in the process of applying to be a teacher at the MTC.
2. I am transferring to school in Utah.
3. I am dating the most incredible human being.
4. I have felt my heart expand 150 sizes.

EFY has been quite the ride.

I'll expound later. I feel like I am at a loss for words - mostly because there is no way that I can adequately describe how I feel about EFY without the appropriate changes in voice inflection, arm waving, etc. But a wave of information and memories is coming. I promise.

more than we deserve

I treasure the memories and experiences that I was able to have on my mission. I feel like I was able to see God in the details of my life every minute, hour, day. I felt His infinite love, shown in the little blessings that He granted to me and those around me, based on our faith.

I remember one family in particular that was struggling financially. This little family consisted of a young couple and their five year old daughter, and they were working to be sealed in the temple. One HUGE obstacle that they faced was the unemployment of the father. He quit his job as he was returning to the church because his hours made him work on Sunday and didn't allow him to attend Sacrament Meeting. He had done this on the premise that he would be greatly blessed for his sacrifice, but after a year of waiting for a job, desperation was overtaking the faith that he had once had.

I was in awe and heartbroken as I talked to the father of this family. I marveled at his incredible faith and endurance and wondered how I would feel after a year of relying on another person's income to support my family. He confided that although he quit his job with faith that things would work out in the end, he was beginning to feel abandoned by Heavenly Father.

An incredible scripture in the Bible promises that "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." This man was having such a hard time opening his eyes to see the blessings that Heavenly Father had in store for him. Desperately, my companion and I tried to open his eyes. After a quick lesson on faith, we came up with an eye-opening plan of action. We would fast with this family for one day, the whole time praying that they would be able to find work ... and then see what blessings the Lord had already prepared for this faithful family.

The day of the fast was one of the hottest days of the year. When anticipating what the effect of climbing up hills in that heat would be like after a day without food or water, I thought that my sweet companion and I were going to die. However, we completed our fast. With faith, we prayed for a miracle.

A day or two later, our phone rang. The father found a job.

Some people might chalk that occurrence up to coincidence. However, I truly believe that Heavenly Father had a part in ensuring that our faith and the faith of this little family didn't go unnoticed. He was in every detail of their lives. Because I was able to plainly see that, I was also able to learn that Heavenly Father is also VERY personally aware of every single one of us.

For all of my life, I have tried really hard to do what Heavenly Father has wanted me to do. I feel like that is really what it means to LOVE Him. He asks me to seek His will and obey. In return, He promises to guide me and those blessings that my natural eyes cannot see right now. I have made so many seemingly wacky decisions in my life based on promptings that I have felt (i.e. fasting on the hottest day of the year ... or homeschooling my junior year of high school) that my dad once remarked (jokingly) that my God is a God that doesn't make sense.

Although my decisions have sometimes not made a lot of sense, I have found so much pleasure and comfort as I have moved forward in my life relying on Heavenly Father's perfect wisdom. This daily struggle that I go through has helped reinforce the idea to me that Heavenly Father is perfectly aware of my needs. He is intimately involved in my life. He has protected me from the evil influences in the world by surrounding me for as long as I can remember with wonderful friends, both inside and outside of the church. He gave me the best family I could ever hope to have. He has granted me my wildest dreams.

Sometimes, I am blind to the blessings that the Lord has perfectly placed in my life. Getting distracted is pretty easy in today's world. However, every time I take a moment to open my eyes to the wonderful blessings that surround me, I am filled with awe. The little glimpses that I get of eternity and the happiness that I feel when that happens makes me think that we have a whole lot to look forward to after this life ... if only we will love Heavenly Father enough in the meantime to trust that He will help make everything right in the end.

you can't learn that in school

A couple of months ago, the following email popped up in my inbox.

"Dear Student,

The Admissions Office at Brigham Young University Idaho is pleased to offer you a special opportunity to attend this upcoming Spring 2015 semester in addition to your regular Fall/Winter track."

Aside from the fact that was a deeply impressed by the personalization of this letter, I was excited with the idea of being able to continue my studies at BYU-Idaho. Yes, dear reader, I was actually EXCITED to keep on studying, even after two semesters of heavy courses and responsibilities. Strangely, I was sad to be leaving behind paper writing and being a Relief Society president and busy work ... okay, maybe I wasn't too broken up over the busy work. 

Needless to say, college has been excellent for my personal development. As weird as this might sound, podunk Rexburg, Idaho, was my veritable paradise because of the constant availability of stimulating and novel opportunities. I won't be too far removed from this strange but wonderful college-town atmosphere -- when I move to Provo in the summer, I will be able to have similar experiences -- but in the meantime, I am back in sleepy ol' Waynesville, MO.

I decided in coming home that I was going to try to keep up having new learning experiences every day so as to not fall into a Netflix-binge depression. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, seeing as I see at least seven people I know on an average trip to Wal-mart (thanks to my family living in the same place for twenty years). I have found, however, that instead of throwing my daily energy into building relationships with lots of different people, I am using this precious time that I have at home to build relationships with my family. They are my eternal best friends, and I have come to the conclusion that I only have a limited amount of time to show my adoration and appreciation.

Being home with this differently angled goal has been so much fun. My family is kind of like an exclusive club with our own humor and social cues, and it is awesome to participate now that I am officially feeling less post-RM awkwardness (it only took me ten months!). Even though the kids are at school during the day, I stay busy with house work and helping my parents. When the kids are home, I summon the energy to put together puzzles and hold tickle fight-club matches. The experiences that I am having are so very very different from my experiences at college ... but every day brings me just as much happiness and satisfaction.

I think that If I were in Rexburg right now, I would be having a ball. But if I were out west right now, there would be a lot of things that I couldn't do. I couldn't ruffle the boys hair as they play endless Studio C videos on YouTube. I wouldn't be learning the ins and outs of the family business. I couldn't talk to my mom about boy woes. I wouldn't be fixing broken radiators under Dad's watchful eye. I couldn't learn to build out-of-control fires that rival the Boy Scout equivalent. I wouldn't be able to visit Grandpa after his back surgery. I couldn't be chatting with Nandy about life while cleaning her house. I couldn't teach the primary kids at church about the insects and Jesus.

In other words, in my time at home, I have learned that everything in life has its season. I am glad that for this little season, Heavenly Father is allowing me to attend the university of life ... taught from within the walls of my childhood home. 

It just goes to show that you can't learn everything at school.

Hey! I'm playing a little bit of catch-up with my pictures ... but we were able to go to General Conference in honor of Hyrum's 12th birthday!! Such a fun experience!!

you do you, girl

"You do you, girl."

After being in a foreign country for a while, coming home to the idiomatic phrases of English was a little jarring. I heard words like salty in contexts that I had never heard before. My siblings rattled these phrases off like nothing significant had changed in their language, but to me, it felt more foreign than Spanish.

I heard the phrase, "You do you, girl," so much. It was rather self-explanatory, so I didn't search it up on Urban Dictionary ... but I did wonder about how it applied to me in my life.

I should do me. I should be true to myself. But what on earth did that mean? I really didn't know the answer until recently.

College has been a huge eye opener to the possibilities and horizons that lay endlessly before me. With every day of learning and becoming more involved, I feel like this feeling of opportunity focuses in and intensifies itself. One of the amazing things that college has given me is curiosity and a passion for life-long learning.

For the longest time, I have felt this passion with little to direct it towards. I sporadically have jumped from interest to interest. All the while, I have felt like I was stuck between an ADHD of being overwhelmed by the many options of life and at the same time waiting for something meaningful to stick for longer than a couple of weeks.

However, as my studies have deepened, I have felt a deepening of my interests and direction. I find that all truth (spiritual and temporal) is connected, and I love to look for it. I now feel motivated by the things that are callings to me. I feel called by my church calling, but I also feel called by Spanish and learning everything I can about it. I feel called by being a mentor for the Disciple Leadership Conference, and I feel that same sense of calling from my job as EFY counselor. These callings have honed in on my sense of purpose and have thrown me onto an enjoyable and fulfilling path.

BYUI has been promoting something called P2B for the entire semester ... basically, from the posters that lined the halls I gathered that P2B was a hip conference for young professionals looking to learn networking. From the raffle prizes, bowling and Mario Kart tournaments, and rounds of putt-putt golf, I gathered that BYUI was really invested in the program and worried that this thing was going to flop. I passed by these things and refused to make eye contact with the people running the stands because I wanted nothing to do with it. If BYUI had to make such a fuss about this program, they were obviously trying to hide something fundamentally flawed about P2B.

The buzz continued, however. My friends were signing up by the dozens, either to get extra credit or because they were sucked in by the hype-tables. In solidarity and as a sense of duty to the school, I joined with them and bought a ticket. I kept my expectations pretty low, but I found that I was catching on to the hype. I wanted to participate in the Mario Kart competitions. I wanted to win the prizes. I was hooked.

The conference was AMAZING. Filled to the brim of life changing awesomeness. It was worth every cent of the 10 dollars I paid to go. I felt the Spirit SOOOO strongly as I was there. It whispered, "You're in the right place. Right now you are in the right place." As the speakers talked about finding passion and pairing it with success, I was stunned to realize that I have the remarkable blessing of KNOWING what my passion is, knowing the path that I'm on is acceptable to the Lord, and knowing what lights me up with the ability to move forward.

I am driven when challenges arise, when I have a chance to be an influence for good, when I feel needed, when I am given the chance to overcome my own weaknesses. I have learned and continue learning about who I am. And then I try to be true to those things that I discover. That is my passion.

I am who I am, and the atonement makes it possible for me to become more of the person that Heavenly Father sees me as every day.

So, I do me. And you do you, girl. When paired with Heavenly Father's guidance, it is so rewarding.

the truth of being an RM

Wow. It's been a while since I have written anything. I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I just haven't had any words to describe exactly how I feel as a recently returned missionary. It is a crazy and emotional ride, but it is good.

I am happy to be home.

I remember that the first day that I was home, I felt pretty lost. Sometimes I still feel a little lost. I mean, we go from having every single minute planned out for every day ... to nothing. We go from trying to avoid all types of worldly entertainment to watching Frozen and listening to the Radio and dancing ... and it's hard to catch your ground.

Talking to people about my mission was a little weird, too. Everyone asks, "So, how was your mission?" which is a wonderful question. Everyone continues to show so much interest in a part of my life that was SO IMPORTANT to me. But every time I looked for an answer to that question, I felt the familiar answer, "It was so awesome, thanks!" come up. When that doesn't even begin to describe how grateful I am for my mission and how changed I am. It's frustrating not being able to communicate that ... but it is still awesome to talk to people about the mission. It's the best!

Another weird thing -- I feel like I have never left my house. My mission was like a long, Spanish filled dream. It was sweet and wonderful and uplifting, but it was so strange to come off that plane and feel as though nothing had even happened. I slipped back into being at home and doing normal things so easily that it worried me a little bit. Shouldn't this be harder? But that's really silly ... of course, Heavenly Father helps everything to be a lot easier. Even though it feels like my mission was a crazy dream, the wonderful thing is that I KNOW that my mission happened. And I can feel that I changed.

I guess I expected to have some earthquake experience where I knew that everything had changed and to feel a little devastated about not being in the mission anymore. But I feel so hopeful and good about the future. It is so bright! I have so many wonderful things that are getting ready to happen in my life ... which helps me a little bit to find tranquility.

Since I've been back, I have kept myself busy. I am learning how to knit, reading self-help books, reading the scriptures deeper than I ever have before ... I am cleaning and baking and working out and making appointments and signing up for classes. I am going out with the sister missionaries. I am subbing at church for the Primary and staying active with the Young Single Adults.

I keep busy and that has helped a lot in my transition.

And I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. But I am learning them for the eternities. This week, I thought a lot about perfection.

One of my dearest, dearest friends in the mission told me that she had been reading my blog (she was a youth from the branch I was serving in). It had been a really hard time and it kind of hurt me that she was reading about my experiences ... because I wanted to keep up the game face that said that everything was perfect in Hermana Blau Land. I asked her what she thought of my blog she said, "I LOVE it! I love reading about your experiences." She hugged me so tightly and then whispered, "But you're a bit of a perfectionist. You are doing a wonderful job here. Let perfection go."

I will always remember that huge hug and that advice. Perfectionism is a hard thing that is disguised as a Christ-like attribute. I mean, obviously we are supposed to be like Jesus Christ, who was PERFECT. But I feel like perfectionism forces people to try and fix their own weaknesses and problems and to not rely as fully on the enabling power that Jesus Christ can give all of us if we just ASK.

I think that the deepest things that I learned as I pondered about my mission is that it wasn't perfect. I mean, I don't think that anyone has a 100 percent perfect journey on a mission ... just like not a single person who has ever lived on this earth has had a 100 percent perfect, without bumps journey through life. But I have come to trust that it is okay. I did a good job. I tried the best that I could. I was able to love and help so many people.

And somewhere in all of my crazy, beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and every other good describing word that I can't remember (because my English is still struggling) mission, I was able to learn of Heavenly Father's love and his grace.

It's enough. I let the lack of perfection go, and I found a little world of perfection anyways. That's the best feeling.

So, I feel happy. I feel like I am transitioning well. I am having new experiences every day. I continue to learn. With all of the weirdness of being an RM, it is still really really awesome. It is great to know that I was once part of God's army ... and that the work continues. It is awesome to be with my family. It is awesome that Chile won the Copa America.

Everything is awesome!!

november 25

I am grateful for FAMILY HOME EVENING and MY HOUSE.

The weirdest things are the things that I found I missed the most about home. I missed my actual, physical house. I also missed the continuous noise of people being in a house. It's not something that I ever though I would miss ... but I do. I still am at a loss for words. That is ABSOLUTELY how content I am. I know that it might seem like my life has quieted a bit, especially here on the blog. Not so many adventures and not so many incidents with drama ...

Although I am not doing "exciting" things every day, I feel excited to be alive EVERY DAY. (Not that I am not excited to be alive when I'm at college. I really do love my life. It's just way more awesome to be at home). Life is still good. My mom, dad, and I are going shopping for missionary stuff tomorrow. I can't wait (I'm also slightly terrified). I can't believe how fast the time is going by. Only three more weeks until my mission!

#reallife

november 22

I am grateful for HOME.

I can honestly say that few things beat being home with my family. I love being in my house. I love driving the Miata places. I love Waynesville. I love my siblings sitting in the same room together. I love not having to be on my a-game. I love the diversity of the town. I love not walking everywhere. I love loafing and snuggling. I love watching Christmas movies and watching Babe. I love eating cereal. I love sleeping in the same bed as my sister. I did not know how much I loved home until I left and came back. I love not being in Rexburg. I love that it is freezing as heck here. I love sitting with Nandy.

No offense to you, Rexburg or BYUI (or the people that live there). It's just nothing can beat the contented-ness that I feel right now. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

november 20

I am grateful for SPANISH.

Yesterday, Sister Eyring (daughter in law of Henry B. Eyring) gave a faaaaaaaabulous devotional about life in general. It was about the decisions that we are making now and how Heavenly Father is anxious to help us make these decisions. Seriously, this was one of the best devotionals of the semester. Anyways, in her devotional, she talked about deciding a major. I really loved the story that she related, so I'll just post it here.

"Because of his great love for science, Henry Eyring [Henry B. Eyring's father] encouraged each of his sons to major in physics as preparation for a career in science. It was while Hal was studying physics at the University of Utah that an exchange with his father marked one of those defining influences. He asked his father for help with a complex mathematical problem. “My father was at a blackboard we kept in the basement,” Elder Eyring recalls. “Suddenly he stopped. ‘Hal,’ he said, ‘we were working this same kind of problem a week ago. You don’t seem to understand it any better now than you did then. Haven’t you been working on it?’”

A little chagrined, Hal admitted he had not. “You don’t understand,” his father went on. “When you walk down the street, when you’re in the shower, when you don’t have to be thinking about anything else, isn’t this what you think about?”

“When I told him no,” Elder Eyring concludes, “my father paused. It was really a very tender and poignant moment, because I knew how much he loved me and how much he wanted me to be a scientist. Then he said, ‘Hal, I think you’d better get out of physics. You ought to find something that you love so much that when you don’t have to think about anything, that’s what you think about.’”

I have found this in Spanish. I think about Spanish constantly. When I am sleeping, I try to translate my thoughts into Spanish. When I pray, I usually end in, "En el nombre de tu hijo Jesucristo, Amen." I work really hard to get good grades in my Spanish class. I am way super excited to go to Chile so that I can be immersed in the language (almost as much as I am to be a missionary). I am so grateful that I have found my passion and that it is something that I can actually do. Love it!

november 16

I am grateful for THE LIFE I'VE LIVED.

I feel like I've been talking a lot about how difficult life is right now. I was thinking about it this morning ... and really, my life is not bad at all. It never has been bad. I have been fed and taught and loved for my entire life. I feel comfortable leaving my door unlocked and I believe in the good. I have nothing to complain about.

My childhood was so awesome. My parents loved me and I had amazing brothers and sisters. All of my teachers were awesome. Learning came naturally to me. My favorite cat, Maxine, would snuggle up with me at night and I would feel so happy. I had so many friends ... it didn't always feel like it, but looking back ... it is true. I was a little bossy and smart-aleky. I was a teacher's pet. But I really loved my life.

Middle school was rough. I'm pretty sure it is for everyone. I tried to figure out who I was and I was failing. I changed my group of friends a couple of times. I wasn't really in my happy place, but my life was still good. I made choices -- some good and some bad -- and I now know that through every step of the journey, Heavenly Father was directing me to a better place.

High school was a good middle ground between my childhood and middle school. There were some days that I hated every minute of it. I went through intense mood swings ... one day I would be incredibly sad and nostalgic and the next I would be incredibly happy. In high school, I experienced drama, but I also experienced success. I participated in everything. I had friends of every type and in every class. I finally found a groove that I was happy with and I stuck with it. My life continued to be awesome. I could see my future  in the distance and I started to meet it.

Now, I am in college. It hasn't been easy for me to live away from my family, but I am so, so blessed. Every day, I find something that I can be grateful for. At the beginning of the semester, I would tell people, "I am on a roller coaster that only goes up." This is still true. I am always trying to improve and to learn more and more about myself. I can see the hand of the Lord so clearly in my life. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Soon, I am going to be on a mission. I was thinking about it last night, and for the first time ... I felt terrified. I felt inadequate. I look to this mountain that lies before me and I really don't know how to feel. I've climbed mountains before. I remember the hurt and discouragement that comes after you round the tenth switchback and realize that there are four more to go. I also remember going to bed so tired that my bones didn't want to get up in the morning. I remember when I began, always looking at my feet to make sure I was going the right direction ... and then I remember gradually finding the confidence to look up to see the spectacular view from the top.

I think my mission is going to be like this. I'm not unaware that it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not unaware that there are going to be days that are discouraging and painful. However, as I look back on my life ... I think that I can handle it. I know that Heavenly Father is always watching out for my welfare. He hasn't given me anything that I can't handle yet ... and I know that he will continue to put experiences in my life that are exactly what I need.

november 12

I am grateful for TECHNOLOGY.

I think I should take a step back and mention that I am not a huge advocate for using technology all the time. In fact, sometimes the new things that are being developed for the technological world scare me to no end. However, I am soooo grateful for technology because it helps me to stay connected with my friends and family. With text and email and Facebook being so convenient, it makes it really, really easy to connect with others that I might have lost contact with.

For example, yesterday I got two emails from missionary friends of mine (Heath and Jess). I love them both! It made me so happy to hear for them. Heath is finally in Argentina, but he had a hard, hard week. It is heartbreaking to read about, but it was nice to hear that he was alive and learning. Jess had an amazing week! She's only a couple of hours away from me ... which is bizarre to think about. I am grateful that technology can take a distance of a few hundred miles (or a few thousand miles) and make the gap so tiny that I can feel every triumph and cry for every frustration and setback. I'm going to be on a mission in just a few weeks! AHHHHHHHH! I'll be experiencing this stuff, too! I seriously can't wait.

I am grateful for technology because it makes finding information so much easier! I am currently making some delicious Pastel de Choclo for Spanish class (like, right as I'm typing it's in the oven). In the ancient days, I am not even sure what I would do to find that recipe. I guess I'd look in a library for a Latino cookbook? But now, I just typed in Pastel de Choclo on Google and more than a million results popped up. How incredible is that? I wonder how people of even a century ago would respond to this increase of information and networking.

I am also grateful for technology because it made changing my major incredibly easy. Yesterday, I sauntered into the Language and Letters office and said, "I'd like to change my major to Spanish education." In a few clicks, my major was changed and my minor was declared. I headed over to the library, and, with a few hundred more clicks, I changed my grad plan. I haaaaaate, hate, hate doing that kind of stuff. When I made my grad plan for Elementary Education, I basically followed the sheet exactly and planned out my classes. However, this time, I had to consider when I would be testing out of Spanish classes (because I will be fluent in just a year and a half) and when I would put certain classes together. It stressed me out ... just a little bit. But as I was doing it, I realized how much easier it was for me to accomplish than it would be without technology. Awesome. I also felt so good about it as I walked away from the library.

Because of technology, there are things called Mormon Messages that you can watch from the comfort of your own home. My dad shared one with me a couple of days ago that I really loved.

This video was PERFECT for my whole "changing my major" situation. I really did pray about being an Elementary Education major. I felt good. So good that I had a burning feeling in my chest testifying to me that this was an acceptable path. However, when I started down the road, I didn't feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of the spirit. Instead, I felt confused. I didn't really like my Education class that I was taking, and I realized that I didn't like the idea of taking all of the classes required for the major. Elementary Education isn't something that people go into for all of the money that you make ... it is something that requires love. And I just wasn't feeling that love. I am so grateful, though, that Heavenly Father allowed me to go down the WRONG path, to be sure that I was on the RIGHT path. I know that I needed to be a Spanish teacher all along. It is something that I love and am interested in. I can't shut up about it because I am so excited.

Life is really awesome when you notice all of the wonderful things in it.

a little lesson

Mission preparation is a pretty awesome class for me right now. Totally a bright spot in my life. It has always been fun (I mean, my dad, the best teacher ever, teaches it), but it suddenly got real for some reason and I don't know why. We've slowly been progressing through Preach My Gospel for the past 8 months and are approaching the end of the course. It's crazy, because in the beginning, the class consisted of Adley, Thomas, and I. Adley and Thomas left on their missions (Thomas has already had a baptism!), I have my mission call, and now Adrienne is attending as well. We're a pretty happening group.

Anyways, today was another Mission Prep day. My dad used the commitment pattern on me and connived me into teaching a teensy weensy principle of the lesson ... the law of CHASTITY. Yeah, actually, that's kind of a big, fat, and heavy principle. For those of you that don't know me, I'm not that confident of a teacher. I have had a few experiences with practicing to teach that have been really humbling and kind of intimidating. So, when my dad asked me to teach, I accepted, but I knew that I needed to prepare like crazy to teach effectively.

Throughout the day, I was thinking about principles that have to do with chastity. I was thinking about ways to approach the topic of chastity. It was a lot of pondering. About an hour before the lesson, I started pounding my notes and previous talks given by General Authorities. I learned a lot of super cool things while on this pursuit for knowledge. Before I left for mission prep, I said a prayer that I would be able to teach effectively.

During class, I was amazed that I just kind of opened my mouth and a sweet five minute lesson popped out. I struggled a few times with the timing of questions and stuff, but overall, I did alright. My favorite thing was that it is just so simple when you really think about it. I guess when you teach principles like they are a super simple and straight forward thing with authority, people will believe what you're saying. Wait a second ... I did okay with a lesson on the LAW OF CHASTITY? WHAAAAAAAAT? I know that the only way that that could have happened was through my preparation and the help of the spirit. I really am not all that great of a teacher yet, but the Spirit totally is.  It makes up for all of the little things that I'm not that good at, and that's definitely a good thing to be totally sure of. I guess I kind of like teaching ... who'd of thought?

Other fun things that happened today:

I got accepted into my Spanish class! AWESOME. I got a super, super, super nice letter from one of my mountain trek girly's brother, Cole. AWESOME. It's my grandparents' 46th anniversary. AWESOME. I am almost completely finished cleaning the downstairs -- nice fall scent spray included. AWESOME. I finished reading 1 Nephi in Spanish. AWESOME. Tomorrow I'm going to the Temple! AWESOME.

Vida es buena.

(Also, hey! I just wanted to point out that I've been pretty consistent about blogging. This time, I'm for real, I'm going to keep it up!)

i swear ... i'm not crazy

The good days have been rolling in. I can't tell if it's because my eyes have been opened to the blessings in my life or if it's still from my call ... it's probably a healthy mixture of both. I really love my life.

It was the first day of school for the Waynesville School District ... all of the kids left the house ... that being said, I had a really productive day! I got three awesome mission things and one super gross thing checked off my to-do list.

1. Like I've mentioned before, I dropped out of my Chinese class the hour I got my mission call. I was really hoping to be able to get into the highest level Spanish class that I could, but every single class had prerequisites that I couldn't meet. I had my dad call the Language and Letters office of BYUI to see what I could do to get out of these classes. It turns out that it was as easy as taking a free placement test online and then discussing further options. I took the placement test and I really surprised myself at how much I knew. I've been praying to have my mind be receptive to the Spanish language. I have also been reading and listening to the Book of Mormon in Spanish. I listen to Spanish hymns in my free time. I guess I'm just really anxious to understand everything I can. 

So, I took the test ... not super confident in my ability ... and I qualified to CLEP out of Spanish 101 and 102! I was pretty stinking excited. However, the class for Spanish 201 looked absolutely terrifying, especially considering the fact that I have only had 2 years of online Spanish for preparation. So, I decided to get into Spanish 102 ... in a class that is during the exact time my Chinese class would have been and for the same amount of credits. Increíble! Also, it turns out that I don't even have to take a CLEP test for the class. Instead, I get to take vertical credit, which basically means that if I receive a good grade at the end of the semester, I will be able to pay for the credits I skipped and earn that class as well. It's the perfect situation for me! I am so happy that it worked out so that I'll be able to speak a lot of Spanish before I get to the MTC.

2. I wrote my mission call acceptance letter. This is basically a note that tells the First Presidency and the Twelve Apostles that I accept the call to serve wherever I am called to go. It was such a sweet experience to write my letter. I looked back on what had led me to go on a mission and I felt a ton of gratitude and peace. It's nice to know that you are being guided by Heavenly Father ... even when you don't know it. I am so grateful that Thomas S. Monson lowered the age at which missionaries can serve. I am so grateful that the Brethren knew exactly where to put me. I am grateful for that every hour. I really have so much that I have yet to learn. I don't know Spanish ... I'm still not a very good teacher ... I wrote in my sample acceptance letter that, "I will work harder than I know I can -- with Jesus Christ, it is possible." I really will work hard in these months I have to prepare.

3. I made these SUPER cute missionary announcement cards. The template can be found here. They are simply darling, and will be EVEN CUTER when I can put pictures on them and mail them out. Oh, and when I find a good color for the last line of my super long MTC address.

I was a pretty busy bee today. I found time to finally track down the last of my scholarships, wait for Minsy at the bus stop ... and I even found the time to clean out our super yucky downstairs bathroom. This bathroom isn't actually that bad ... it's just that all of the lights blew out a couple of months ago and nobody could see how truly dirty it was. It was just in darkness and not a pleasant place. I won't go into detail about what I felt bound to do, but after I screwed in new lightbulbs to the fixture, the room was totally lit up. It almost looked "usable" according to my mom. With the light came a total realization of how stinking dirty it was. Everything was dusty and dirty and DISGUSTING. I was a little discouraged by the sight, but as I began wiping away the scum, it was totally easy to wash away. After I was done cleaning, it was like a totally new bathroom.

I might be going a little loco (I am starting to hear these random Spanish phrases in my head that I cannot comprehend ... I also cannot stop them from bubbling up in my brain. I'm losing my mind), but I guess that this dirty bathroom is kind of like the Atonement. Haha, that was such a weird sentence. We may not recognize how unclean we are when we don't know about the Gospel (the light), but when it turns on, we can totally see every mistake. It's a little scary to change and to clean up our lives through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but when we do it, it's like we're not even the same person anymore. We are totally clean.

Yeah, I'm going insane. Here's a video for you.

eternity

Playing some catch up. (What's new?)

I always have had people that I look up to. I have my personal heroes and studs that I try to emulate. This helps me in my quest for personal perfection, because seeing other real people with admirable qualities makes it easier for me to believe that these qualities can be mine with a little perseverance and hard work. I have been blessed to have many people in my Young Women's program to look up to. These girls that grew up before me have been paving the way for me for as long as I can remember.

These girls are solid. I looked toward them when I was smaller and saw no flaws; they could do no wrong. It was obvious that they had a testimony ... obvious that they would get married in the temple to pretty stellar guys. Sometimes, I would wonder how in the heck I would ever be able to measure up to them. I continued to watch their struggles and triumphs and because I carefully watched them and their progress through life, I began to realize that their kind of righteous was obtainable to me.

Many of these girlies have been going on missions or obtaining temple marriages.



I can't even begin to mention how grateful I am for their examples. Sometimes, in my own life, it has been super, super hard to see my life with an eternal perspective. I get wound up about the weirdest things. But, my heroes, my role model Young Women's group, have helped me to see that living the gospel is totally worth it.

For example, I went to Ashley Bogle's (now Nelson's) wedding reception the other day. It was so nice. The decorations were simple but elegant. The selection of music was perfect. The food was divine. But I think the best part about the whole even was Ashley herself. She looked so stunning and just ... ridiculously happy. Once again, I took the role of a spectator for Ashley's life. As she danced with her husband and then with her daddy, I realized that ... holy cow! I am only two years younger than her! I remember going to Achievement Days with her (back when Wednesday night activities were called that). Overwhelming was the feeling that I had. The temple is obtainable! It is just in sight! (But, believe me when I say, I will NOT be married before my mission haha).

In Sunday School last week, we talked about the temple, and I was kind of reading through the chapter we were assigned. It reads:

21 Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory.
22 For strait is the gate, and narrow the way that leadeth unto the exaltation and continuation of the lives, and few there be that find it, because ye receive me not in the world neither do ye know me.
23 But if ye receive me in the world, then shall ye know me, and shall receive your exaltation; that where I am ye shall be also.
24 This is eternal lives—to know the only wise and true God, and Jesus Christ, whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.
25 Broad is the gate, and wide the way that leadeth to the deaths; and many there are that go in thereat, because they receive me not, neither do they abide in my law.

I was really struck by the simplicity of this statement. It is regarding temple marriage ... and it is so true! Few find this happiness in their life because it is SO HARD to find. You have to wait out on dating people that do not have your standards. You have to maintain your own standards so you can be worthy to enter the temple. But, if you can make it, YOU CAN RECEIVE EXALTATION. How stinking cool is that? It is so worth the struggle!

I am grateful for people like Ashley that help me to see potential in myself. She wasn't immune to the struggle of daily life, but she raised the place where she stood. Because she lived her life well, she was able to enter into the temple and be sealed to her husband forever. She is one of my heroes! I hope to receive the same joy I saw in her at her reception in my own life.

so this is happening

I put in my missionary papers last Sunday. For those of you that don't know, here is the process for a Latter-day Saint missionary.

1. Initiate paperwork through the Bishop. Bishop Fowers, our local church leader, had been Bishop for less than a few hours when I asked for him to initiate my paperwork. This would basically open up my missionary application so that I could begin.

2. Fill out paperwork. Fact about myself: I hate forms of any type. I love to write and I love systematic things, but I really, really, really hate going through forms. It makes me anxious because I'm never sure if I'm filling it out the right way. I guess it's just a special neurosis I have. Anyway, these forms were no different. It basically asked about my languages, interests, medical history, etc. My favorite question was, "If you have a significant other in the mission field, where are they serving?" I left mine blank, haha. Filling out the paperwork also included going to the hospital and dentist's office for physicals. Fuuuuuuun stuff. 

3. Get interviews from Priesthood leaders. "Your Bishop is your best friend," is some advice I really took to heart during this process. The interview I had with the Bishop and the Stake President (another local leader) was totally awkward free. I felt comfortable enough to be honest. The last question that President Nigliazzo asked me was, "Do you feel worthy to be a missionary?" Answering in the affirmative was such an awesome feeling. 

4. Wait. My process was super speeded. I began my paperwork the day after returning home from Philmont. I got my paperwork completed a week later (with physicals completed). I got my interviews done three weeks ago. All that I had to wait for was my 120 days. The church rule is as follows: 

How early can I submit my missionary papers?

Recommendation papers for full-time service may be submitted to Church headquarters by a prospective missionary’s stake president 120 days prior to his or her availability date. Availability date is the earliest date at which the prospective missionary is available to begin his or her mission. The earliest date young men may enter the MTC is after graduating from high school or its equivalent and reaching 18 years of age. The earliest date women may enter the MTC is after their 19th birthday. Other influences on one's availability date may include completing a university semester, finishing an employment commitment, or stabilizing a medical condition. Speak with your priesthood leaders well before the 120 day submission window to start the recommendation process and to confirm your availability date.

I was really interested in getting my paperwork done as soon as possible so that I could open my call at home. I wanted to share that special experience with my parents and I am super stoked to serve, so OF COURSE I would put it in as soon as I possibly could. The waiting was a little hard, but I know some missionaries wait for months to finish their papers, so I was pretty content.

5. At CHURCH HEADQUARTERS!! So, this is basically what happened when my papers were at church headquarters in Salt Lake City.

(The whole talk is great, but the actual description begins at about 4:10.)

YESTERDAY, MY CALL WAS MADE! Now the wait is just depending on the mail. I'm pretty stinking STOKED. I don't feel exactly like I thought I would though ... I don't feel anxious to open my call and I really don't have any idea where I would like to serve. I'm ready to go ANYWHERE, so I know that I'll be happy where ever I am called to serve.

missionary mail

Keeping the Sabbath day has always been a tricky thing for me. I try to focus on the Savior and do things that will let the spirit be in my life, but a lot of the times I get caught up in the little things of day to day life and I end the day feeling like I could have done a little bit better. It's not like I go shopping or hang out with friends on Sunday or do homework ... but I just feel a desire to be better. I read something recently that really touched me. It basically said, "Don't leave off what you can do today, for tomorrow." I am a chronic procrastinator ... I always say, next week I will, but I hardly ever accomplish what I set off to do for some other time. So, for a while, I have been wanting to keep the Sabbath day holy better. This week, I decided that I would do it by catching up on my missionary mail.

I've definitely entered a fun stage in my life. A majority of my good church friends are out serving the Lord on a mission for two months. That means that I am now only able to communicate with them through letters for the next two years. Although it is not as convenient as texting and calling and Facebooking, it is so much more fulfilling to know that there will be mail for you every once and a while.

My reliability for sending missionary mail is not always perfect. Sometimes it takes a few weeks for me to respond to letters, but eventually, I will. It is such a quaint and idyllic way to communicate. Writing letters (or epistles as I often refer to them) is so much fun for me! In fact, I mentioned that I love writing letters to multiple boys at Philmont and it became the running joke for the rest of the week (Ahhhh, is INSERT BOY NAME HERE going to be number eight??). I do write a lot of different people -- for many different reasons. I love to get responses, but I also love knowing that maybe my letters make the missionary's week a little brighter. I love writing so many people because I love seeing how the Lord works differently to bring about his work. I love writing so many people because soon enough I'LL BE A MISSIONARY!! AHHH! I hope that people will write me. I also love feeling like I am supporting the USPS in their time of need. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

So, this week I received three beautiful letters from three of my very good friends. I wrote eight letters to some of my friends who just got out on their missions. I am so lucky and grateful to know so many awesome servants of the Lord!

Life is pretty dang good.

graduation

We've already established that I'm a bad blogger, so I won't mope and moan about it for a whole paragraph. I would be doing my posterity a big wrong if I didn't document the most amazing and long non-spiritual day of my life. There have been other days in my life that have topped it, but none that were strictly secular experiences.

The day of graduation was INCREDIBLE. I think it might have been one of my favorite days of high school (which is pretty sad). I still had to wake up early for seminary, but it was just a matter of habit. The last day of seminary was awesome. I can't remember exactly what we did, but that is a pretty accurate description of my entire seminary experience. I can't remember very many distinct lessons, but the spirit I felt there EVERY MORNING was undeniable. It was definitely worth the sacrifice of waking up early.

This was our awesome seminary class. I loved seeing their beautiful faces every morning.

After seminary, I leisurely drove to the high school so that I could pick up my cap and gown. This was kind of a surreal experience. It was actually the first time that graduating seemed real. In fact, it still hasn't really sunk in that I am graduated. I just don't feel like a college student yet. I hope that will change in the future. I'm learning to savor transition, but I like being settled, too.

Waynesville, sometime long ago, decided that it would be a good idea to have men graduates wear black ... and to have women graduates wear pumpkin orange. I was kind of sad about that, but really, I was happy to be finally graduating that those kind of things didn't matter to me. I picked up my little packet (plus a tassel from NHS) and tried it on for size. Yeaaaaaaah, I can deal with this. I liked being a graduate. With those robes on, I truly felt like I had accomplished something spectacular. It felt awesome.

We promptly left the auditorium where we received our caps and gowns and went to the gym for Passing of the Torch. Passing of the Torch is a sweet little ceremony where the seniors sit on the floor of the gym and then all of the other classes take their places in the next chair position up. It is a little award ceremony where departmental awards and A+ scholarships and other things are awarded (like teacher of the year). I usually look forward to these things, especially when I am unaware of the gun threats that "occur" almost every year. Something crazy is always going down at these things. Three years ago, there was a fight and our school cop had to jump the railing. One year ago, the entire school sang We Are Young by Fun. This year, I totally could have cared less about what was going on around me. I was just really into the moment.

I sat up with the other valedictorians of my class (did I mention there were thirteen of us?) and I just looked and looked around me. This was the gym where I worked so hard to stay physically fit (har har) throughout the years. This was my school that I was about to leave for-hopefully-ever. It was bitter-sweet ... I'm just kidding, it was totally sweet. I am so grateful for high school, but I am so grateful to be moving on with my life.

I won a few awards, which I am super proud of. I'm actually more proud of these awards than I am of any of the scholarships that I won. I am more proud of them than the fact that I was voted most likely to succeed by my classmates. There is something special about being recognized for all of the hard work you do. I always enjoyed receiving awards in elementary school ... I guess that enjoyment carried on into high school.

I first received the English award from Mr. Ward (my senior English Literature teacher). It may not look like it on my blog, but I love English with all of my heart. I love learning the history of English and reading and writing ... the whole she-bang. This year, I worked really hard on learning things for me. This really paid off in English. I went from being a super passionate student with little interest in learning and a lot of interest in earning the grade to being a super passionate student with an interest in learning and accepting whatever grade came because of that. There were a lot of challenges to that attitude this year, but it was such a great experience. For that award, I got a nice card from Mr. Ward, a medal, and Republic by Plato.

Next, I received the Journalism award (also awarded by Mr. Ward, but given by my journalism teacher, Mr. Tucker). I was Editor-in-Chief of the newspaper this year and it was such an interesting responsibility. For the first semester, I had the hardest time delegating responsibilities and letting other people help me. It was such a hard semester. I was putting in hours of extra-curricular work by myself and I just felt like I was on my own. Sattaporn and Savannah jumped on board next semester, specifically because I mentioned that I would really like people to be in the class with me that liked me. I eased up and let others help me and show their competency. I delegated tasks to others. The second semester was still hard, but it was so much more enjoyable! I really have learned a lot about life from journalism. It was a perfect outlet for writing and creativity; I plan to continue with journalism through college.

Like my English award, I got a medal for Journalism. I also got a gift bag that was filled to the brim with sentimental things. The only time I cried during graduation day was while I was sorting through that bag. Inside was a journal and a copy of All the President's Men (a book about Watergate that I had been asking to borrow from Mr. Tucker for ages) and a copy of the movie (which I LOVED). There was also a journalist's notepad and a note from Mr. Tucker. He has been such a mentor in my high school education. I had him as a freshman English teacher, as a Shakespeare teacher, A+ tutor sponsor, and then as a journalism adviser, but he has been so much more. He infuriated me because he told me that my standard of excellence wasn't good enough as a freshman, but he pushed me to become a fantastic writer. He listened to me when I was frustrated and listened when I just needed to cry and let it all out (true story, I broke down in front of him sophomore year). Mr. Tucker was such a motivator for me and his support and encouragement continues to help me.

Just as soon as I finished bawling, I got called up for an award that I totally was not expecting. I was honored to receive the History award ... and I'm not exaggerating when I say honored. When I was a freshman and sophomore, I hated going to my history classes. I didn't feel challenged ... I felt like we were trying to be taught specifically so we could pass the standardized test that we had to pass at the end of the year. Now that I think about it, that has been my experience EVERY year except for this year. This year, I took super challenging AP courses for history (Political Science and US History). It was kind of scary, because I knew that the workload was going to be intense if I wanted to do well on the test. I'm not going to lie, it was intense. I read over 1,500 pages worth of textbooks, churned out 20-30 pages of material every few weeks, and studied non-stop. As I invested that time in the classes, I grew to LOVE history. I became more and more self-motivated and more and more interested in the subject. My teachers were so supportive of me and they helped me believe that I could do well on the AP tests and in the future. It was a full 180 switch in my experience. I was really excited that my teachers recognized the effort that I put into these classes and were willing to put my name up in front of the whole school.

Minsy and I after Passing of the Torch.

Passing of the Torch was over sooner than I would have liked to believe and we were shuffled outside to head down to the football field for outdoor graduation practice. This was just a glorified run through of what we were going to be doing for tomorrow. Dylan (another valedictorian) and I announced a special element ofour valedictorian speech to the class. We picked up tickets. Then the general class was released to go paaaaartay until we were to meet at 6 at the school. The valedictorians stayed behind for an hour or two to practice our speech, which ended up being a very good thing. We had struggled for so long to write the speech that there was very little time for us to practice. Thank goodness Mr. Ward and his wife were willing to help us. I definitely direct all of the credit to them.

After our practice, I went home to chill with the fam before graduation. I love my family, and I love that my Aunt Laurenda and my little cousins were willing to come down for the graduation (even though my aunt was 8 months pregnant at that time). I was horribly sunburnt from the practice graduation and a little tired, but I made it a point to hang out with all of my family a little bit before I left for graduation. Leaving for graduation was just like leaving for any other event (except I was a little more dressed up). It was finally time.

It was fun to see all of my friends dressed up in their graduation gowns. In about three hours, I realized that I would probably never see the majority of them again. It was sad ... (and this time I'm being sincere). There were a lot of people that I grew to care for during the past year that I would never see. There were life long friends that I would never see. We were all starting different chapters to our lives. Somehow, I knew that it would be a-ok, but it was still difficult to come to terms with.

We were loaded on to buses and shipped over to the middle school. Ah, the hall of higher learning that I struggled so badly in. I felt triumph as I walked through these halls to the very front of the line. As silly as that sounds, it is true. Look at me, I thought as I walked towards the rest of the valedictorians, I got through this place and am now on a fast track to success. Haaaaahaa! While in line, the valedictorians got yet another medal. I practiced shaking hands and receiving my diploma from my dad. We took a picture outside of all of the valedictorians ...

And then the graduation march started. Oh, what a wonderful sound. I had a lot of thoughts as I walked, many of which were completely sentimental. I sat down and waited for the rest of the class to be seated (which took forever ... I empathize with the band). After a few remarks from Mrs. Blackburn, our school district's superintendent, the valedictorians were recognized and brought up on the stage for our speech.

Like I mentioned before, getting our speech to be right was such a struggle. It is super hard to coordinate thirteen different speeches to flow coherently. Our theme was number, simply because we spent thirteen years in school, had thirteen valedictorians, and were graduating in 2013. The theme was clever, and with Mr. Ward and his wife's excellent advise and help, we had a pretty solid speech. The number that I was assigned was 1. I was the LAST speaker, which I thought was pretty stinking awesome. As I waited for my turn, I just observed my class. There were moments during the speech when everyone was laughing ... there were also moments when everyone was bawling. It was perfect. I'm not sure how my speech went, but for posterity, here are the words:

And, finally we are ONE. Each of the 400 members of this class is a different individual. Due to our close connection to the military, we call different places home. We experience different friendships and interactions with others on a daily basis. We are devoted to different interests and extracurricular activities. Our plans for the future vary. We are so uniquely different, yet we are remarkably the same. We experience the joy that comes with acing a test and the heartache that inevitably follows suffering and loss. We know the appeal of going to Walmart when there is nothing else to do. We also know what it takes to wake ourselves up and get ready for school, despite the comfort and warmth of our own beds. We grew as one student body this year under the watchful eyes of God. This is only one day, but it is a significant day. It is our last day of being together as Waynesville Tigers. After today, our paths will differ; however, we will always consider ourselves lucky to be connected through what we have accomplished by graduating tonight. Although we are many, we are one. We are the Class of 2013.

After saying "We are the Class of 2013," the entire class shouted it in unison. It was a pretty sweet moment.
I sat back down ...  and then I was the first person of the class of 2013 to graduate.

I didn't mess up the handshake. I gave my dad a huge hug. I took my picture. I sat back down. And then the four hour wait began ... as every single member of my class went up to get their diploma, I was amazed to see how many people I didn't know. I was also amazed to see how many people I did know. I don't think I was very popular in school, but I did try to get to know people and to be nice to everyone ... and I guess I never realized that these friendly hello's in the hallway or small conversations were actually creating friendships that I cherished.

After the ceremony was said and done, I went out onto the football field and greeted my friends and family that had come to see me. So many people showed up that I had grown to love throughout my schooling. I am so grateful for these relationships that I made. I think, really, that these relationships are the crowning achievement of my high school experience. These were more important to me than any award or recognition I received.

So, I graduated. I still don't feel like a gradutate, but life has been just dandy. Soon, I will begin college ... I don't really know what to expect, but if it is even a little bit better than high school, I know that I will have an awesome time. I am so excited to see how the Lord will continue to bless and direct my life!

Philmont, here's to thee

A week ago I was really, really frightened. I woke up in a strange room, triple-checked that I had everything I needed, and drove off into the middle of the mountains. The town of Cimarron, New Mexico seemed sleepy at best, but I found myself silently screaming as we pulled through its dusty streets lined with tourist traps. You might have asked me that day what I was anticipating so intensely. If I answered you honestly, I would have said,

"I am afraid. I'm going to have blisters the size of grapefruits on my feet. I am going to die in the Montañas de Sangre Christo (literally the Blood of Christ) without running water. I can hardly carry three text books ... I'm not sure that I can carry fifty pounds of hiking gear on my back. I am worried that I am going to want to complain. I am worried that the spirit won't be with me always. I am terrified."

Today, I am content. I woke up in my very own bed, took a shower, and even used a flush-able toilet. I watched some TV at my Nandy's house and ate food that wasn't packaged. I drove a few miles in my little Miata down the streets of Waynesville and found myself wishing I was back.

What changed from a week ago? Well, I spent a week in the mountains. A beautiful, breaktaking, eye-opening, challenging week in the mountains at Philmont Scout Ranch. I spent a week working and uplifting incredible girls. I spent a week with some rock solid priesthood holders. I experienced one of the best weeks of my life and came back a stronger, more confident Laney.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After every day during our mountain trek, my wonderful Rangers (Philmont Staff that accompanied us during the week) would have us reflect on the events of the day. After a little bit of reflection, each girl in the group shared their thorns (challenging moments), roses (beautiful moments), and buds (things they were excited about for the next day). Because there were so many incredible experiences I had during the week, it is hard to choose just one moment that defines each of the little triumphs and battles I experienced while on the trail.

Please forgive me if I rant.

Thorns
(I feel like I should mention that these thorns hardly count. Heavenly Father really blessed me while I was on the mountain trek to see the purpose and blessings that come from doing hard things.)

1. Preparation -- Part of the reason that I was so scared to come out to Philmont was the fact that I was completely and utterly unprepared for what lay in store. I did not know where we were going to be in the mountains. I picked up my hiking boots the day before we left on our cross country adventure. We were still buying things that we needed the night before we left for Philmont. Some of the videos that pop up about Philmont on Youtube are incredibly intimidating. I felt completely inadequate going into the camp. I really was concerned that it was going to be a real struggle to remain positive and spiritual throughout the week. It was a scary feeling ... I never want to be that unprepared in my life for anything.

2. Pain -- One of my Rangers (Carly) said that her main thorn for the week was seeing the pain faces of all of the girls as we hiked and hobbled around camp sites. This was so on point for me. I am a pretty empathetic person when it comes to pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance myself, but when I see other people in pain ... I feel it. If someone were to describe to me a broken arm, I would feel it. It was SO hard to see the other girls in pain. I almost lost it when I saw Spencer after the first day. He was so miserable and I just wanted him to be okay and happy. Savannah got huge blisters all over her feet and I hurt. Sam (a girl in my group) pulled her leg muscle; Maddie strained her Achilles.

I wanted to help in any way I could, but physical pain is such a personal thing. It isn't a simple thing to take from someone. Sometimes I would feel a little sore after the never ending uphills and switchbacks, but that pain helped me to gain such a testimony of the atonement. Jesus Christ felt every pain I have ever experienced and he knows exactly how to take care of it and comfort me. I found so much gratitude for that sacrifice as I knelt in prayer and simply asked for the pain to go away. Every time, I felt peace and a renewal of energy. This was such a blessing and helped me to forget about my own needs and to help others.

3. Separation -- Another thing that was really difficult was the separation I had from my family. I was actually really lucky to have Spencer and Savannah with me for most of the time, but I really found myself missing the rest of the Blau crew. I found that even though I felt this homesickness, it wasn't disabling at all. I was able to continue moving forward and to comfort others who were having similar feelings. It was really nice to know that no matter what happened during the six days of separation that I experienced, I would see my family again. It really made me think about the importance of eternal families. I really really want my future family to have this same knowledge: whatever happens during this life, we'll be able to see each other again.

Roses

1. Strength -- One of the best things I learned during my week at Philmont is how incredible the human body is. At the beginning of the hike, I could hardly lift my pack without Savannah's help. I felt so much pain and felt like crying during the first day of actual hiking. We hiked up this ginormous mountain and had to sit in the rain for an hour and we were just going SO fast. Heavenly Father totally blessed me though. After every hike, I would feel totally wiped and in pain. Only a few minutes after rolling into camp, however, I felt completely revitalized. I can hardly even remember how difficult the days were. I learned that my body can do hard things. I went to bed every night thinking that I had done my very best and committed to do better the next day. It was such a nice reassurance and gave me great confidence. I could have felt completely and totally the opposite (after all, I must have looked and smelled disgusting), but I loved that my pack felt lighter every day. I loved that my calves were becoming more defined. Sometimes, we have to be stretched to the limit to realize just how strong we really are.

2. Testimony -- Philmont was such a testimony building experience for me in more than one way. Check out these experiences!

Chaplain's Aid During our check-in for Philmont, a nice lady was walking around and talking to the participants. As she introduced herself to me, my mouth slightly hung open. It was Sister Cheryl Esplin, one of the general authorities of the church. She was such a sweet lady and we chatted a bit until a new crop of campers came in. Later, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. As I turned around, Sister Esplin put her arm around me and said, "Laney, I would like to ask you to be the Chaplain's Aid for your group this week. Will you attend a meeting for all the Chaplain's Aids at 4?" Of course, I accepted. It didn't really matter that I had no idea what being a Chaplain's Aid entailed. I didn't matter that I had just been overwhelmed with all of the things that I would have to worry about during the week. I heard these words like they were a call from the Lord to serve my group throughout the week.

During the meeting, I got the AMAZING opportunity to receive counsel from members of the Young Men's General Board of the church and from Young Men's President, David Beck. It was so exciting to be in the presence of these servants of the Lord and to hear the things they had to say. It was also wonderful to see other teenagers that had been pulled out of their groups to the same responsibility. During the meeting, I found out more about my role. Chaplain's Aids are basically the spiritual leaders of their respective groups. They are in charge of leading prayers, devotionals, and making sure that others are having a positive and uplifting experience. I truly believe that Sister Esplin was inspired to give me the call to Chaplain's Aid. The Lord knows me. He knew that I was worried about not being strong enough to stay positive. He also knew that I could help the girls in my group before I even knew their names. It was not a coincidence that I was asked to be in this position.

I loved that David Beck knew me by name by the end of the first day. He asked me to lead a kind of spirit rally before we left on our trek to show how a positive attitude can help anyone get through any trial. It really calmed me to participate in this activity. I knew that even if a bear attacked me, I could remain happy because I'M EXCITED, I'M EXCITED, I'M EXCITED. Throughout the week, as I led devotionals and gave girls encouragement, I really felt the spirit testify to me that Heavenly Father loves his children. He really wants us to stay on the straight and narrow path to eternal life and gave us commandments to keep us on the path. I gained such a testimony of that as we hiked those straight and narrow mountain trails.

Sacrament Meeting Another super sweet, spiritual experience I had in the mountains was the Sacrament meeting we had on Day 2. We didn't really hike for the first two days, so I was able to spend a little more time being anxious about what the days ahead would hold in store. I wasn't sure what strength would be required of me during the week, but I knew I needed all of the help that I could get. I felt myself looking forward to the strength that I know the Sacrament gives when one partakes of it worthily. Unfortunately, for a while it looked as if we would be unable to make it to our meetings. It is officially monsoon season at Philmont, and just as we started to hike to the camp where our meeting was located, it started to pour. The lightning and thunder were too close for us to make the trek, so we had to return to our tents. I was super, super bummed, and I prayed that we would be able to still have our meeting.

It didn't take too long for that prayer to be answered-- the rain subsided. We were able to make it all the way to our destination with a pleasant breeze accompanying us. The spirit was so strong during this meeting. Brother Beck was presiding and the other Chaplains and I coordinated the speakers and musical numbers. It was really neat to see the priesthood in action, even though we were in our hiking clothes and were already sweaty and gross. The external factors didn't matter at all. I was really impressed by the promise that the Holy Ghost could be with me ALWAYS if I was willing to take upon Jesus's name and always remember him and keep his commandments. I tried that promise this week and tried to always have the spirit with me. It was awesome to see the blessings that came from that willingness. The spirit can give so much strength to the weak things of this world.

The Priesthood Sacrament meeting was a way cool experience for me, especially when I considered the blessings of the priesthood. To be honest, I had been kind of struggling with realizing the importance and relevance of the priesthood in my life. I knew that the priesthood power was real, and I really believed that I needed to marry a righteous priesthood holder, but I wasn't exactly sure why I knew that or why it was such a big deal. I have been praying a lot this summer to have my testimony of the priesthood strengthened. This week was a DEFINITE answer to my prayers.

Before the trek, I was able to receive a priesthood blessing from my dad. I can't quite remember what it said, but I felt confident that Heavenly Father would be looking out for me during the week. It helped me to calm down and to start feeling excited for the week ahead.

I was kind of interested to learn that out of all of the Rangers on the trek, only one of them was a member of the Church. His name was Ian and he was my brother's counselor for the week. He got off his mission a year ago from Quebec, so he wasn't just a member of the church -- he was rock solid. I found it so comforting that if anything happened to me, I would be able to ask Ian to give me a priesthood blessing and I could rely upon that protection. Luckily, for the beginning of the week, I didn't need to ask for a blessing. I miraculously avoided injury and painful experiences and was able to have a pretty stellar time in general.

Things got a little more strenuous during the course of the week, but I remained okay. There was one girl in my group, Samantha, that got injured on day 5. It was such a painful thing for her. She was definitely the fastest hiker in the group and I think it frustrated her to have to slow down. As I thought of what I could do to help her, I immediately thought of Ian. Of course, a priesthood blessing would be able to help her! A few of the boys that I became friends with during the week also had the priesthood because they had received their mission calls. Before our devotional on Wednesday night, Samantha was in so much pain. I knew that I needed to hop into action, so I leaped over a few of the benches that separated us and asked her if she had gotten a blessing yet. She hadn't been able to find Ian during the day, but she really desired to have a blessing before she went to bed.

That night, a few of the boy groups and our group were under the roof of a place we had eaten in earlier in the day. I spotted Brandon, one of my friends that I knew had the priesthood, and walked over to him and asked him if he had consecrated oil. He didn't, but he was willing to go and grab Ian (who was at a different campsite). I was so appreciative of his willingness to serve, even though in hindsight, he was probably anxious to get ready for bed. We started our nighttime devotional and learned about the value of having good friends. During a convenient moment in the devotional, I saw Ian and Brandon walk up to our campsite. I paused the devotional and filled Ian in on the situation and he got right to work. He taught Brandon what to say to anoint. A girl in my group was able to grab her brother, Cole, who also held the priesthood, to join in for the blessing.

It was such a special experience for me to hear this blessing. Half way through, I was bawling (and I really don't get that emotional when I feel the spirit anymore). I heard these boys that were my age giving a blessing of comfort and healing to my dear friend. Suddenly, I got it. Of course the priesthood is applicable to me. Of course I need to get married to a man that has the priesthood. It suddenly became the most important thing in the world to me. I needed that protection more than I needed to breathe. I needed to know that the person I would marry would have that power no matter where we were -- whether it be in the mountains of New Mexico or in our home. I needed that power to be near no matter what the external circumstances were ... whether my sweet husband was wearing a white shirt and tie or striped pajamas. After the blessing, I was able to testify to the girls the importance of the priesthood. I felt like my chest was burning within me. I knew that it was not only possible for me to have that with me always, but that it was necessary.

I couldn't fall asleep because I was reflecting on that feeling over and over again. I woke up early in the morning and thought about it. I thought about it during the ten mile hike that day. The fruit of that knowledge was delicious to me. It was not a coincidence that Ian was assigned to be the leader of my crew's sister crew. It was not a coincidence that I became close enough friends with some of the boys that I felt comfortable asking them to use their priesthood on one of my girl's behalf. Heavenly Father was looking out for all of us at that moment, and because I knew he was looking out for us then, my eyes were opened to the times he was looking out for us previously in the week. Truthfully, he was with us always. It was such a WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE. I'm afraid I can't give it justice.

3. Views -- I have always loved the mountains. I get chills and cry like a baby when I'm near them. I just can't get over the majesty that accompanies them; God is definitely very near when I am in their midst. I wasn't sure that this love of the mountains would be enough to help me hike through them with a fifty pound pack, however. On the first day, I spent a lot of time looking at my feet. I was really worried that I would twist my feet and die. I was also concerned that if I looked at the steepness of the next switchback, I would lose all confidence in my will to live. Okay, maybe it wasn't that drastic, but I didn't see a lot of the scenery during that part of the hike, and it was really frustrating to me. Part of the little reasons that I was looking forward to the hike was the fact that I would be in my favorite scenery on earth. When we reached the top of that first mountain though, I realized just why I was there. That hike was stinking hard for a weakling like me. But as I looked out at the valley on either side of the summit, I realized how worth it the climb was.

After that moment, I tried to look less at my feet and more at the things around me. I tried to appreciate the little things that were all around me ... the sound of wind, the taste of the mountain air, the wooded meadows. It was all really beautiful when I stopped to look at it. I found myself relating it to my own life. Sometimes I focus on day to day life so much that I lose perspective on what my life is really about. But when I'm able to look out at the wonderful vistas of my life, there is SO much that is beautiful and good.

There was one point in the hike that was incredibly eye opening. It was on the fifth day, and we hiked quite away from our previous campsite. It wasn't a really difficult hike, but it was getting late and it looked like rain clouds were forming. We learned very early that when it looked like rain, the rain would come (and come hard) within the hour. We had just reached one of the posts that we were supposed to encounter before we got into camp, but struggled to find the right trail to take. Carly and Megan were not talking to us that day to show us that were were competent when it came to hiking, but after going down the wrong trail for a thirty minutes, they finally stopped us and turned us around. I was so demoralized, and I could tell that the girls were tired. We had already been rained on earlier in the week, and it seemed that it would happen once again. Camp was forty minutes away and entirely uphill ... it seemed like misery was a certain outcome.

The entire way, our little group was silent. I was praying the entire time (and later learned that everyone else was as well). "Please, stay the storm." I repeated that phrase with every step. It became a cadence for me, especially as we wound around the mountain, endlessly climbing. The relief I felt when we walked into camp was something that I have never experienced before. I was strengthened ... the entire group was strengthened through our combined faith, and we were able to make it into camp with hardly any stops. Even though we saw signs of rain for the rest of the hike, it didn't start to rain until we set our packs down. I quietly cried as we marched into camp and the words of one of my favorite hymns flowed in my mind continuously: "Be still my soul, the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below." Heavenly Father heard the prayers of ten desperate young women who just wanted to make it to camp safely and comfortably. He has all power and is totally in control of every aspect of life.

4. Camps -- I loved every staff camp that we stayed at throughout the week. The first camp that we hiked to was called Abreau. It was so beautiful and comfortable. There were wonderful places to pee and the activities there were super fun. I was able to milk a goat for the first time, cook dinner in the mountains with a ton of awesome people, and play slaps during down time. It was such a beautiful place. The rest of the camps that we traveled to, we had to hike a long distance to reach. It was such a relief to enter each of these camps, and I found so much energy to participate in the various programs that were available there. At Fish Camp, I was able to play some super fun games and got to know incredible people. At Apache Springs, I took a tour of an Indian Teepee, got a refreshing bucket shower at the sweat huts, took a beautiful side hike to see the sunset over the valley, and got to shoot a bow and arrow. Beaubien was so nice ... it was located in a beautiful place and there were a ton of fun things to do. I looked like an idiot as I learned to throw a lasso, ran around in the mountains to get rid of pent up energy, and watched a kind mediocre but super funny play put on by the staff. Every camp we stayed at was so accommodating and the staff was super nice. During the week, the knowledge that our hikes were not leading us to the middle of nowhere was so comforting. Knowing the destination at the beginning of the hike was awesome. It almost made me want to work at Philmont as a staffer.

5. People -- I feel like I've been rambling about the roses I've had. Sorry readers! If you're still reading, I love you. Because I love you, I'll limit it to five. One of the things that I will always cherish about Philmont are the people that I met and the relationships I developed in super short times. I was able to become so close to all of the girls in my group and the Rangers that were quietly serving us throughout the week. Any time we passed a crew on the trail, I was able to learn a little bit about them (where they were from, how long they'd been out on the trail). There were random crews that stayed in the same campsite as us that I also was able to talk to and got to know. The boy groups that we were with were just incredible. I'm not sure that I was very attractive during the week, but I didn't care. I loved talking to them and really learning more about them and their lives. During the week at Philmont, I became so good at putting names to faces. I also really became a better and more sincere listener. These skills blossomed right before my eyes and I imagine that they are going to help me so much in the future!

Buds

There is so much more that I could talk about. SO MANY INCREDIBLE THINGS. But I've already been typing for hours and hours ... and I'm pretty tired. I am so grateful for my experience at Philmont. I am grateful that I now cannot physically waste food. I am grateful for the testimony I gained of the Priesthood and it's importance in my life. I am grateful for the knowledge I now have that I can do hard things with Jesus Christ. I am grateful daily, now, for all of the little things in my life. I am so much more anxious to rely on Heavenly Father in everything I do. These, and many more, are all things that I have taken home with me from the week. Every day was difficult, but every day was worth it. Now that I'm home, all I've been thinking about are the beautiful mountains and the wonderful spirit I felt while I was at Philmont. I've experienced the Missouri mugginess and mosquitoes and rolling hills. I wanna go back to Philmont, back to God's country. Here's to life changing experiences. Here's to the beauty that surrounds us every day if we'll only look. Here's to thee, Philmont.