you can't learn that in school

A couple of months ago, the following email popped up in my inbox.

"Dear Student,

The Admissions Office at Brigham Young University Idaho is pleased to offer you a special opportunity to attend this upcoming Spring 2015 semester in addition to your regular Fall/Winter track."

Aside from the fact that was a deeply impressed by the personalization of this letter, I was excited with the idea of being able to continue my studies at BYU-Idaho. Yes, dear reader, I was actually EXCITED to keep on studying, even after two semesters of heavy courses and responsibilities. Strangely, I was sad to be leaving behind paper writing and being a Relief Society president and busy work ... okay, maybe I wasn't too broken up over the busy work. 

Needless to say, college has been excellent for my personal development. As weird as this might sound, podunk Rexburg, Idaho, was my veritable paradise because of the constant availability of stimulating and novel opportunities. I won't be too far removed from this strange but wonderful college-town atmosphere -- when I move to Provo in the summer, I will be able to have similar experiences -- but in the meantime, I am back in sleepy ol' Waynesville, MO.

I decided in coming home that I was going to try to keep up having new learning experiences every day so as to not fall into a Netflix-binge depression. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, seeing as I see at least seven people I know on an average trip to Wal-mart (thanks to my family living in the same place for twenty years). I have found, however, that instead of throwing my daily energy into building relationships with lots of different people, I am using this precious time that I have at home to build relationships with my family. They are my eternal best friends, and I have come to the conclusion that I only have a limited amount of time to show my adoration and appreciation.

Being home with this differently angled goal has been so much fun. My family is kind of like an exclusive club with our own humor and social cues, and it is awesome to participate now that I am officially feeling less post-RM awkwardness (it only took me ten months!). Even though the kids are at school during the day, I stay busy with house work and helping my parents. When the kids are home, I summon the energy to put together puzzles and hold tickle fight-club matches. The experiences that I am having are so very very different from my experiences at college ... but every day brings me just as much happiness and satisfaction.

I think that If I were in Rexburg right now, I would be having a ball. But if I were out west right now, there would be a lot of things that I couldn't do. I couldn't ruffle the boys hair as they play endless Studio C videos on YouTube. I wouldn't be learning the ins and outs of the family business. I couldn't talk to my mom about boy woes. I wouldn't be fixing broken radiators under Dad's watchful eye. I couldn't learn to build out-of-control fires that rival the Boy Scout equivalent. I wouldn't be able to visit Grandpa after his back surgery. I couldn't be chatting with Nandy about life while cleaning her house. I couldn't teach the primary kids at church about the insects and Jesus.

In other words, in my time at home, I have learned that everything in life has its season. I am glad that for this little season, Heavenly Father is allowing me to attend the university of life ... taught from within the walls of my childhood home. 

It just goes to show that you can't learn everything at school.

Hey! I'm playing a little bit of catch-up with my pictures ... but we were able to go to General Conference in honor of Hyrum's 12th birthday!! Such a fun experience!!

same place, different me

Before I get to the meat of my post, can I just say that I have come to LOVE running? It has become a necessary part of my life. This winter semester, I have been brutally forced to run indoors on the treadmill because of the consecutive days of below freezing weather ... but things have been turning around lately.

The beautiful, 55 degree weather of Rexburg allowed me to run outside today.

I usually leave the house without having much of an idea where I want to run. Rexburg is only a couple of miles in diameter, so there aren't a ton of ways to get lost or in harms way. Today, I found myself gravitating toward Nature Park. This is a beautifully secluded part of town (even more than the rest of it, surprisingly). As its name suggests, Nature Park is nature with a sidewalk cut through it.

I can remember the times that I have been to Nature Park in the past almost eight months (!) that I have been at school.

The first was on a run with one of my friends from the mission.

The second was with my first college boyfriend, as we sat on a bench and talked about nothing significant.

The third was the first "warm" day of the "spring" ... warm being 40 degrees. In my insanity, I ran there with a short-sleeved tee-shirt. Living in Idaho will do that to you.

And the fourth was today.

As I ran around the park, I came to the park bench where visit number two took place. I came to an abrupt halt in front of the bench and felt the overwhelming desire to sit down and look out over the pond that lay in front of it.

So I sat down.

I can't exactly explain the feeling that I felt as I sat down, but I can try to explain what it wasn't. It wasn't de-ja-vu, but it was just as stirring. It wasn't nostalgia ... because there was nothing really extraordinary about any encounter that I had in that park.

It was the beginning of revelation. As I looked out at that same duck pond on the same bench that I sat on almost six months ago, I realized how constant the change of the world is. The seasons change when they're supposed to (well ... I guess that is debatable in Rexburg ... but I digress). The ducks flee when they begin to feel the chill of winter and come back at the first sign of warmer weather. Nature Park has been the same for years and will continue without change for years to come.

The place hadn't changed. But I had.

As I sat on that bench, I thought back on my time in Rexburg and was stunned by the amount of personal growth and life lessons that Heavenly Father has packed into my experience. I lived my life out here, and I think I lived it pretty well. I was refined in my education. I was refined socially and spiritually. I worked hard to control my finances.

I hate to say it, but I think in the past two semesters, I have grown closer to being an actual adult. It's been pretty gradual and I still have a whole lot of life experience to have before I can officially drop the young from my young adult status, but the need to leave behind the things of my past and push forward into exciting new territory is becoming more and more obvious. Sometimes that future is scary and hard, but other times it is full of happiness and love ... and EVERY SECOND is worth living.

Each second gives me the chance to change and grow and develop. There is nothing more exhilarating than that! I hope that the weather will be beautiful when I return to Rexburg in the fall. I hope to return to that same bench in Nature Park and to feel the same amazement as I look at the local family of ducks. I am sure that the place will be no different ... but I have hope that I will.

you do you, girl

"You do you, girl."

After being in a foreign country for a while, coming home to the idiomatic phrases of English was a little jarring. I heard words like salty in contexts that I had never heard before. My siblings rattled these phrases off like nothing significant had changed in their language, but to me, it felt more foreign than Spanish.

I heard the phrase, "You do you, girl," so much. It was rather self-explanatory, so I didn't search it up on Urban Dictionary ... but I did wonder about how it applied to me in my life.

I should do me. I should be true to myself. But what on earth did that mean? I really didn't know the answer until recently.

College has been a huge eye opener to the possibilities and horizons that lay endlessly before me. With every day of learning and becoming more involved, I feel like this feeling of opportunity focuses in and intensifies itself. One of the amazing things that college has given me is curiosity and a passion for life-long learning.

For the longest time, I have felt this passion with little to direct it towards. I sporadically have jumped from interest to interest. All the while, I have felt like I was stuck between an ADHD of being overwhelmed by the many options of life and at the same time waiting for something meaningful to stick for longer than a couple of weeks.

However, as my studies have deepened, I have felt a deepening of my interests and direction. I find that all truth (spiritual and temporal) is connected, and I love to look for it. I now feel motivated by the things that are callings to me. I feel called by my church calling, but I also feel called by Spanish and learning everything I can about it. I feel called by being a mentor for the Disciple Leadership Conference, and I feel that same sense of calling from my job as EFY counselor. These callings have honed in on my sense of purpose and have thrown me onto an enjoyable and fulfilling path.

BYUI has been promoting something called P2B for the entire semester ... basically, from the posters that lined the halls I gathered that P2B was a hip conference for young professionals looking to learn networking. From the raffle prizes, bowling and Mario Kart tournaments, and rounds of putt-putt golf, I gathered that BYUI was really invested in the program and worried that this thing was going to flop. I passed by these things and refused to make eye contact with the people running the stands because I wanted nothing to do with it. If BYUI had to make such a fuss about this program, they were obviously trying to hide something fundamentally flawed about P2B.

The buzz continued, however. My friends were signing up by the dozens, either to get extra credit or because they were sucked in by the hype-tables. In solidarity and as a sense of duty to the school, I joined with them and bought a ticket. I kept my expectations pretty low, but I found that I was catching on to the hype. I wanted to participate in the Mario Kart competitions. I wanted to win the prizes. I was hooked.

The conference was AMAZING. Filled to the brim of life changing awesomeness. It was worth every cent of the 10 dollars I paid to go. I felt the Spirit SOOOO strongly as I was there. It whispered, "You're in the right place. Right now you are in the right place." As the speakers talked about finding passion and pairing it with success, I was stunned to realize that I have the remarkable blessing of KNOWING what my passion is, knowing the path that I'm on is acceptable to the Lord, and knowing what lights me up with the ability to move forward.

I am driven when challenges arise, when I have a chance to be an influence for good, when I feel needed, when I am given the chance to overcome my own weaknesses. I have learned and continue learning about who I am. And then I try to be true to those things that I discover. That is my passion.

I am who I am, and the atonement makes it possible for me to become more of the person that Heavenly Father sees me as every day.

So, I do me. And you do you, girl. When paired with Heavenly Father's guidance, it is so rewarding.

my shepherd will supply my need

My cute roommates. This was our first Sunday dinner a couple of weeks ago. I love these girls!

This week has been one of spiritual growth ... in other words, it has been hard and fantastic all at the same time. Those kinds of weeks always help me to learn so much more than a normal week, so I really am grateful.

My week was CRAZY. I felt like I was constantly running from appointment to training to meetings to studying to exercise to school. Every day was like this little playlist of tasks put on repeat and shuffle. I listened to the rhythm and just went. I prayed every morning that I would have the strength to do everything that I had planned for my busy days and then I headed out the door to conquer. Every day, I came home to my house COMPLETELY SPENT, a stranger to my sweet roommates. One night, as I lay under a heated blanket with the lights on and my eyes droopy, I thought, I can't remember being this tired since my mission.

And that thought made me so ridiculously happy.

It's been a while since I have been a missionary. I've started to tell people that I've been home for eight months (it will be eight this next month) and I get that same look that I got from people when I told them I had 16 months in the mission. The response, "That long??" and the implication that I sometimes feel behind those words, "You're still in a singles ward??" It's hilarious to be on this side of the spectrum, the RM side.

As indicated by the incredulous looks of those who learn the amount of time I have been home, I am becoming a veteran in the RM world (although I don't think that I have really been home thaaaaat long. Maybe that is just denial?). I never could have anticipated the challenges and joy that comes from living the real life.

For example, I never could have imagined the struggle of trying to find new purpose and direction. I never could have imagined the potential every first date has to be incredibly awkward. I never could have imagined the powerful pull that every priority has. Balancing life is such a challenge! I firmly believe that we all have the same amount of time in the day, so the only difference between success and failure is making the time for the most important things ... but it is a lot harder to live this principle than to say it.

Although these daily challenges sometimes punch me in the stomach and take my breath away by the raw force of it, I have found so much joy in working to solve and overcome them. Every one of them gives me a chance to grow and develop, with the same intensity and growth that I felt while on my mission. This is why when I felt worn out this week, I felt happiness. Even though I was a little overwhelmed, I recognized that every thing that I was doing was helping to build the kingdom of God and to build myself. There is something about being used as an instrument in Heavenly Father's hands that brings that satisfaction.

So, bring it on appointments and training and meetings and studying and exercise and school. Keep the good things coming! I may not be the strongest person, physically, spiritually, or emotionally, but every day I am becoming more and more confident in Heavenly Father's ability to make me stronger than I am. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He will supply my need.

guess what????

"The will of Heavenly Father will be done ..."

That was not what I wanted to hear when I asked my dad to give me a blessing before my EFY interview. I wanted to hear that I would be blessed with talent beyond my own ... The ability to be witty in the face of anxiety. Instead, I heard a lot about Heavenly Father's will ... which was fine and dandy, but it didn't give me a lot of security that my teenage dream of becoming an EFY counselor would come true.

Why? Well, due to past experience, I have learned that my will is soooo finite when compared to what Heavenly Father has planned for me. It has been a pretty common occurrence that I have been on one life path, walking towards what I deem to be a worthy goal, and Heavenly Father reveals to me a path that is completely different than what I expected (like, the time when I was homeschooled ... or when I went on a mission ... or when I came to BYUI ... or ... well, I think you get the point). It never has been a negative occurrence ... the consequences ALWAYS make my happier than I could have dreamed on my own. But still, I have a long way to go before MY WILL is the exact same as Heavenly Father's will.

When I heard my dad say, "the will of Heavenly Father will be done ..." I tried to imagine what His will would be. I have been dreaming and living for this job for so long that I didn't even stop to think that His will would be different. What else would I possibly do? Would I need to find an internship? Would I need to be at home with my family? I realized that asking me to not be an EFY counselor would be the biggest trial of my faith I have had. I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would let me have the opportunity. If only given the opportunity, I knew that I could be a good EFY counselor. I knew that I could help kids to have a life changing experience.

So, I went to my interview. I did the best I could and felt really good about it. I waited a couple of weeks ...

and this week I got the email that told me I had contracts available to sign.

Heavenly Father wants me to be an EFY counselor. I got the job!!

I am so grateful! I started crying when I received the email, because it isn't every day that your dreams come true. I immediately began to think of every EFY counselor that I have had and I realized how much work I still have to do. These people have been super role models in my life -- I have molded myself for years to become like them because I admire them so much. And now I am going to be a counselor. I am humbled beyond belief.

Once again, I am SO EXCITED FOR EFY!!!!! It's good to have that to look forward to again. :)

As I was pondering this TREMENDOUS blessing in my life the night I got the email, I learned a valuable lesson. Heavenly Father's ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Sometimes, in a graceful, tender moment, His will briefly aligns with mine. Sometimes, Heavenly Father's will is also my will. He knows my deepest desires and He is willing to give me all of my righteous desires. He guides my decisions in such an individual way, helping me to realize when I am walking down a path that will not bring me maximum happiness ... he guides me back to where I need to be. And when I am on the right path, He opens my eyes to see how merciful and wonderful his blessings are.

prove me now herewith

I can't miss the opportunity to write about a miracle that happened in my life last week.

After buying the cheapest plane ticket that I could to get up to Rexburg for the start of the semester, I was pretty much broke. Gone were the reserves of money that I had been saving up from before the mission (really, before the end of senior year), finally exhausted after having a good, long run in my bank account. My situation isn't terrible because I have a couple of investments that give me monthly money, but I knew that after paying rent and all of the other start of school expenses, I would be totally and completely out of money.

The comfort of being at home for the holidays lessened my worry about this particular problem. But when I started to think about buying textbooks on my first day of class, the worry began to creep into the back of my mind. I calculated on my fingers my assets and what I needed to buy. I remembered that on top of all the things I needed to buy, I still hadn't paid my tithing for that month. Ayayay ... I thought this to myself several times as I tried to think about how to make ends meet.

I have heard my entire life that tithing brings blessings. It has always been a known fact, and I never have had a problem paying tithing because I have always been aware of those blessings. On my mission, I told people all the time about these blessings: "Prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." In not seeing a way forward financially for the beginning of this semester, I had a chance to prove the Lord.

I went home after class and paid my tithing. I then set out on all of my errands that I had to accomplish for the day. Pay rent. Pay for the necessary books. Pay for food. All the time, in my head, I was calculating how much money I had left. When I was at the checkout line in the grocery store, I stared in disbelief at the total for my shopping cart. It was a little bit less than the money that I had left to spend. I don't know how, but somehow, Heavenly Father stretched my money to be enough. And I believe that that is part of the blessing that he poured on me for paying my tithing. What a miracle.

Later that night, I posted on my Facebook about this little miracle. Since I have been home from my mission, I haven't been an avid Facebook poster because I don't want to bother anyone with trivial things. I knew, however, that I HAD to testify of my experience and the goodness of Heavenly Father ... because I knew that the blessing of having enough money to pay for everything I was stressed out about was a direct miraculous response to my worries and fear.

Not one hour after I posted that Facebook status, a couple of my friends came over to catch up after the break, and they said, "Hey, Laney! Someone left you some food outside. We thought we'd bring it in for you!" I blinked two times, processing what they had just said. Bags of food for me? I immediately said to myself, "Oh my word, they shouldn't have gone to the trouble ... I am not in a desperate situation. It will all work out eventually." I guess I haven't had the chance to be on the receiving end of such thoughtful charity.

But I saw the Lord's hand in those bags of groceries. It was an anonymous thing, and I wondered who my benefactor was as I put the contents of the bags in my cupboard. Boxes of macaroni, a huge bag of rice, applesauce, and other food replaced what was once almost bare (my average college diet). This random act of kindness reminded me of God's mercy and love. It reminded me of the goodness that is still in the world. It also reminded me of the responsibility that I have to help those whose needs are so much greater than my own.

I am so grateful to those who have helped me get through the beginning of this semester (which is going to be amazing, by the way). Thank you, anonymous friend that was willing to go out of your way to make my day. Thank you, parents who taught me the value of paying a full tithe. And thank you, Heavenly Father for showering your blessings upon me when I proved you. I do not have the room to receive all of the blessings that He has given me.

EFY interview

My father raised me on outside of the box thinking about businesses. As a result, I have never been much of a traditional job kind of girl. I never have applied for a job in my life. In fact, I have never even thought about applying for a job. It is not because I am lazy or afraid of hard work. Instead, I have chosen a job path that I have crafted for myself (with a lot of help from my parents and from Heavenly Father). I have my own cleaning business and have been working on investing my money in real estate. I donate plasma and scrape together scholarships to get by at school ... it isn't a conventional way to work and make money, but it works and I get by.

A picture from my first EFY ever (2009).

It has been my dream job for as long as I can remember; a goal that predates my goal to be a missionary or to be a college graduate. For the past seven years, I have aspired to be an EFY counselor. I have lived my life, breathed each breath, to be an EFY counselor. So, this past year, for the very first time, I applied for a job. It has been a really interesting process.

First of all, not applying for any jobs meant that I had no resume built up that I could give to EFY. I sat in front of a computer for hours last semester, trying to think of ways to phrase my talents and assets in a way that would make me sound like an eligible candidate for the position. When I got done with my resume and sent it in, I realized that I had put down things like, "Can eat a banana in 10 seconds" and other silly things ... without really giving it a second thought. I prayed that they would magically overlook any mistakes I had made in the resume and thought to myself, "if I get a second chance, I will prove to them that I am not a monkey minded child."

Luckily, I got a second chance. After a couple of weeks of waiting, I got an email in the mail that said I had made it to the next round of the hiring process. It was now time for me to do an interview through an app. Basically, this app allowed me a minute to prepare a 45 second response to a prompt question, recorded my answer, and sent it to EFY. The email granted me three day access to the application. Not feeling too well the day that I received the email, I decided to postpone it for another day.

That was a mistake.

I woke up the morning after, horrified to realize that I had no voice. My sickness had turned into something completely foreign to me, and for the first time in my life, I was speechless. I quickly asked some friends to give me a priesthood blessing to heal me immediately so I wouldn't sound silly on my interview, but instead, they told me I would eventually get better. I had to do my interview with no voice. It was kind of silly to whisper the entire time, but I felt that I did the best that I could. Still, making to want sure, and under the direction of my mother, I sent the EFY Hiring Office an email to see if I could get another chance to do my responses. They told me not to worry, and that I would know the decision on my application shortly thereafter.

I don't know how, but they somehow overlooked my froggy voice and I made it to the next round. The round that I had to do today.

Like I said in my last post, I saw my sister off at the airport yesterday for her 18 month mission. Since my interview was in Provo and I no longer had much of an excuse (or room in my schedule) to travel down to Provo during the school week, I decided to stay a little longer in Utah and get my interview out of the way. I asked one of my favorite mission companions, Hermana Harris (Hilary now), if I could bum at her house and made plans to have my interview today.

After a couple of delays in my flight schedule, I was finally able to make it to Provo last night. It was so nice to be able to catch up with Hermana Harris! She really is one of my greatest examples and a really incredible friend. We chatted all night about everything that had happened to us since we last saw each other. I am so grateful for her! She was able to drive me to my interview this morning and gave me a couple of tips (because she went through the process last year).

While waiting for the interview to start, I felt a little nervous. It was my first, not church or school related (but still church related, oddly enough) interview that I had ever done. This was a legit job interview! One of my friends told me that a job interview is like a date -- to be myself and everything would work out. I'm not very experienced in the work force, but I am experienced in dating, so I thought I might be alright. Right before the interview, I wasn't sure if I was prepared or qualified, but I felt in my heart that whatever happened would be the will of the Lord.

It ended up being a pretty relaxing interview. I was with one other girl and we were being interviewed by two people from the EFY hiring department (I assume). They asked us a couple of questions and then allowed us some time to prepare a 2 minute lesson based on a topic from the For Strength of Youth pamphlet that we selected from an envelope. While one of us prepared our lesson, the people who were doing the interview pulled us out for individual interviews. I felt so inspired by the Holy Ghost as I was doing my interview. There were words that came out of my mouth that I could not explain or identify their source. I never felt flustered or unable to communicate what I was feeling. It was incredible.

I gave my lesson on Agency and Accountability. It was fun to be able to teach and feel the spirit throughout the interview. I made silly analogies about In-n-Out Burger and Cold Stone Creamery. I tried really hard to stay true to myself and to allow the years of preparation and polishing I have been doing in the past 7 years show through. I am not sure how it will turn out, but I feel like Heavenly Father was definitely guiding me.

I will get the decision (if I am hired or not) in a couple of weeks. I have never wanted something more in my life. EFY is my passion ... because it is the thing that helped me to realize that I could live the gospel, be true to myself, and have fun while doing it. I am eternally grateful for this program! Even if I don't make it to the next round of the hiring process, I am glad that I was able to get a little more life experience as well ... finally applying for a job. I am starting to feel more and more like an adult and it's weird ... but it is also opening doors that I never thought possible and helped my dreams to come true.