I have been reflecting on my year a lot lately. You know, I'll be turning 19 in a couple of days ... and I guess I have wondered what has happened in the past year that testifies that I am ready to be another year older. This year of my life has been filled with ups and downs. There have been a lot of struggles, but a lot of sweetness as well. As I thought about the hard things that happened (which, in retrospect weren't all that bad) I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
I have no doubt that Heavenly Father has been preparing me for great things. I know that EVERYTHING that I experience is directing me towards something amazing ... if I trust in the Lord's path for me. It's something that I don't question very much any more. This knowledge doesn't make trials any less hard, but it makes them bearable.
I think about the beginning of the year, when I was struggling to get over some difficult stuff from the year before. I was sad a lot of the time, but I tried so hard to be happy. I finally realized that there were some things in my life that needed to be resolved. As I worked to fix it and tried to become closer to Heavenly Father, I learned to feel a peace that passes all understanding. I feel so much happier because of it.
I think about graduating and leaving my friends and family for an unknown future. It felt so final then, and I remember crying because I didn't think that things could ever be the same. However, when I went back for Thanksgiving, I felt that everything was exactly as it should be. I have a new life that is so different, but it is good.
When I was trying to decide what major I wanted to have, I felt so confused. I really felt like the spirit had testified to me that I needed to be an Elementary Teacher, but when I felt prompted to change it to Spanish Education, I wondered why on earth I had felt so strongly before about ElEd. I still don't know why that is, but I am so grateful that Heavenly Father is helping me to see the way forward in my life.
These are pretty vague examples of trials that I have had in the past year ... and, like I said, they are nothing major. I have been so incredibly blessed and have no complaints. However, in looking back at these perceived trials that I have had, I can see EXACTLY how it has gotten me to this point that I'm at. Heavenly Father definitely knows what is best for each of us and is quietly working to make it come to pass.
I am grateful that I've been able to see those quiet works in my life as I've looked for them.
Showing posts with label mope and moan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mope and moan. Show all posts
December 8, 2013
November 1, 2013
november 1st
I am grateful for JESUS CHRIST.
Yesterday, I was feeling really frustrated. "Why, Heavenly Father? Why have I been sad for the past couple of weeks? Why do I feel so homesick!?" I did not expect this kind of thing to happen to me. When people asked me if I would be homesick out here in Idaho, I would reply, "No way. I know exactly how to avoid that kind of thing." I guess it turns out that I don't have all of the answers. Despite my efforts to stay super involved, I have felt so homesick for the past couple of weeks. Add that to school stress and some drama with the roomies and I have been one hot mess. A quiet hot mess, though. One content with being silent.
So, I was feeling frustrated. I was tired and sad and alone. I found myself in the Taylor Chapel (which is a beautiful, beautiful place). I took a little nap ... because I could. And then I woke up and started to pray. I prayed for courage and strength and comfort. I prayed against the fear that I would never want to come back here again. I prayed for friendship and for my family. I prayed for Heath Tenney and all of my other missionary friends.
This simple prayer helped so much. I know that the Gospel is true with all of my heart. But sometimes, I forget that it works for me just as much as I know that it will work for others. Sometimes I comfort people by saying, "Jesus Christ knows what you're going through. He will ALWAYS be there to help you." I say this to them, yet while in my struggles I sometimes forget.
After I napped and prayed in the Taylor Chapel, I knew something that I had momentarily forgotten. Jesus Christ loves me. He knows what I am going through and wants to help me. I felt waves of comfort wash over me. I began thinking about perspective and was really struck by how fast time has gone by out here at BYUI. I only have six weeks to go until I enter the MTC. I am going back home in 18 days for the Thanksgiving break. I started thinking about the people of Chile. I thought about how I would be there in just a few short months and was comforted.
This too shall pass ...
Please don't think that I am sad or lonely or depressed. I really have wonderful friends out here. I love going to school here. I am just so grateful, now more than ever, for the atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful that when I feel completely isolated, I know that I can always have the spirit with me. Life is so, so good.
So, I was feeling frustrated. I was tired and sad and alone. I found myself in the Taylor Chapel (which is a beautiful, beautiful place). I took a little nap ... because I could. And then I woke up and started to pray. I prayed for courage and strength and comfort. I prayed against the fear that I would never want to come back here again. I prayed for friendship and for my family. I prayed for Heath Tenney and all of my other missionary friends.
This simple prayer helped so much. I know that the Gospel is true with all of my heart. But sometimes, I forget that it works for me just as much as I know that it will work for others. Sometimes I comfort people by saying, "Jesus Christ knows what you're going through. He will ALWAYS be there to help you." I say this to them, yet while in my struggles I sometimes forget.
After I napped and prayed in the Taylor Chapel, I knew something that I had momentarily forgotten. Jesus Christ loves me. He knows what I am going through and wants to help me. I felt waves of comfort wash over me. I began thinking about perspective and was really struck by how fast time has gone by out here at BYUI. I only have six weeks to go until I enter the MTC. I am going back home in 18 days for the Thanksgiving break. I started thinking about the people of Chile. I thought about how I would be there in just a few short months and was comforted.
This too shall pass ...
Please don't think that I am sad or lonely or depressed. I really have wonderful friends out here. I love going to school here. I am just so grateful, now more than ever, for the atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful that when I feel completely isolated, I know that I can always have the spirit with me. Life is so, so good.
October 19, 2013
home
I bought some plane tickets to go home for Thanksgiving. I thought before that moment that I didn't miss home ... I mean, I missed my family, but I didn't miss being at home.
As soon as I bought my tickets, that changed. I started to crave something, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I also started to terribly miss my family and friends. I missed my Scholar Bowl crew and my Poli Sci classmates and my lunch buddies and the even the Crooks. Tonight, my roommates and I pushed our couches together, bought a two liter of Doctor Pepper (scandalous), and watched chick flicks and just talked.
I realized randomly, while switching from Confessions of a Shopaholic to Thirteen Going on Thirty, exactly what I was missing from home. I miss having history with people. I miss looking at my friends that I've known since kindergarten and knowing exactly what they are thinking. I miss climbing into my little white truck with my friends and talking about everything and nothing. I miss my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad and my Nandy.
It kind of hit me like a wave ... and in such a way that I couldn't describe it to my roommates. It was comforting to figure it out though. The wonderful thing is, the potential for history is HERE. Here in Rexburg, I already have so many friends and acquaintances. I went to the temple this morning and every person that walked in was someone that I knew. Mara and I are starting to become more and more close. I have several different people that I can talk to and hang out with. The potential for history is terribly frightening and exciting all at once.
So, it's 2:38 and I'm full of Dr. Pepper, pizza, and thoughts provoked by cheesy chick flicks. And that's okay. I'm making memories and I'm creating history. And I'm definitely loving life.
As soon as I bought my tickets, that changed. I started to crave something, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I also started to terribly miss my family and friends. I missed my Scholar Bowl crew and my Poli Sci classmates and my lunch buddies and the even the Crooks. Tonight, my roommates and I pushed our couches together, bought a two liter of Doctor Pepper (scandalous), and watched chick flicks and just talked.
I realized randomly, while switching from Confessions of a Shopaholic to Thirteen Going on Thirty, exactly what I was missing from home. I miss having history with people. I miss looking at my friends that I've known since kindergarten and knowing exactly what they are thinking. I miss climbing into my little white truck with my friends and talking about everything and nothing. I miss my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad and my Nandy.
It kind of hit me like a wave ... and in such a way that I couldn't describe it to my roommates. It was comforting to figure it out though. The wonderful thing is, the potential for history is HERE. Here in Rexburg, I already have so many friends and acquaintances. I went to the temple this morning and every person that walked in was someone that I knew. Mara and I are starting to become more and more close. I have several different people that I can talk to and hang out with. The potential for history is terribly frightening and exciting all at once.
So, it's 2:38 and I'm full of Dr. Pepper, pizza, and thoughts provoked by cheesy chick flicks. And that's okay. I'm making memories and I'm creating history. And I'm definitely loving life.
March 14, 2013
ebb and flow
I've noticed a lot of teenagers have trouble finding reasons to be happy and stay happy. They tend to find reasons to be insecure about themselves and their relationships with others. They live too much in the future and the past and forget to live in the present. They fail to see beauty in the little hamster-wheel that exists as their current life. I'll admit that I am not always incredibly peppy. There are weeks when I feel super unmotivated. Some days, I like to listen to sad, nostalgic music and think about all of the things I desire for my future and the things that haven't gone the way they've planned.
But I choose to be happy.
Today was weird -- and not in a bad way. In fact, it was in an incredibly good way! I just found myself thinking (sometimes with tears in my eyes ... I am getting a little tired again) about how everything in my life is much different then what I would have anticipated it to be a few years ago. It is SO MUCH BETTER. And yet I feel like I get trapped in a position where I can't find anything to be grateful for. I have pretty much the same routine every week and I hardly go out and have a great "night on the town" (or whatever the cool kids do these days).
But I choose to be happy.
I spent the day thinking about the past two semesters. I could not believe that in just two short months ... I'll be graduating. I'm a SENIOR. Who will I miss? What will I miss? It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been so anxious to leave Waynesville, Missouri that I think I've forgotten what's really beautiful about my life. I drove home with the windows rolled down and I saw the endless blue sky over the kind of Ozark mountains and I felt incredibly in tune with my own thoughts. The past few months have been turbulent.
But I choose to be happy.
A few of my super close friends are always fluctuating between heartbreaking drama and extreme bliss. Sometimes, when these said friends are incredibly happy, I wonder why I don't have these swings back and forth. Is there something wrong with consistent happiness? I see their daily ebb and flow with increasing bewilderment and I wonder what on earth gives them the motivation to keep swinging forward. I feel pity for these emotions, but I don't let them affect me.
I choose to be happy.
I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the guidance it gives me. So many things in my life are changing right now. I have a totally different set of close friends then I did a month ago. I have scholarships to fill out. I have to survive through the last bit of high school. But I have felt the love of the Savior as I have continued a habit of personal scripture study. As I was driving home from school today ... while I was thinking about the wonderful state of constant bliss I live in, I realized the evolving nature of things. I don't know why that revelation came as a surprise to me, but it did. I realized that the days that I am happy and the days that I am sad depend entirely on my attitude. Others around me may be discontent with their lots; others around me might not have eyes to see the little things that make life wonderful; others may not have the same faith that everything will work to their advantage.
Things may happen in my life that are hard. Things have happened in my life that have been hard. Heartbreak and suffering and anguish are bound to be part of the human experience. I really don't know what lies ahead for me. I know that there are great things in store, if I can maintain a cheery outlook and optimistic attitude about life. Storms may arise.
But I choose to be happy.
But I choose to be happy.
Today was weird -- and not in a bad way. In fact, it was in an incredibly good way! I just found myself thinking (sometimes with tears in my eyes ... I am getting a little tired again) about how everything in my life is much different then what I would have anticipated it to be a few years ago. It is SO MUCH BETTER. And yet I feel like I get trapped in a position where I can't find anything to be grateful for. I have pretty much the same routine every week and I hardly go out and have a great "night on the town" (or whatever the cool kids do these days).
But I choose to be happy.
I spent the day thinking about the past two semesters. I could not believe that in just two short months ... I'll be graduating. I'm a SENIOR. Who will I miss? What will I miss? It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been so anxious to leave Waynesville, Missouri that I think I've forgotten what's really beautiful about my life. I drove home with the windows rolled down and I saw the endless blue sky over the kind of Ozark mountains and I felt incredibly in tune with my own thoughts. The past few months have been turbulent.
But I choose to be happy.
A few of my super close friends are always fluctuating between heartbreaking drama and extreme bliss. Sometimes, when these said friends are incredibly happy, I wonder why I don't have these swings back and forth. Is there something wrong with consistent happiness? I see their daily ebb and flow with increasing bewilderment and I wonder what on earth gives them the motivation to keep swinging forward. I feel pity for these emotions, but I don't let them affect me.
I choose to be happy.
I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the guidance it gives me. So many things in my life are changing right now. I have a totally different set of close friends then I did a month ago. I have scholarships to fill out. I have to survive through the last bit of high school. But I have felt the love of the Savior as I have continued a habit of personal scripture study. As I was driving home from school today ... while I was thinking about the wonderful state of constant bliss I live in, I realized the evolving nature of things. I don't know why that revelation came as a surprise to me, but it did. I realized that the days that I am happy and the days that I am sad depend entirely on my attitude. Others around me may be discontent with their lots; others around me might not have eyes to see the little things that make life wonderful; others may not have the same faith that everything will work to their advantage.
Things may happen in my life that are hard. Things have happened in my life that have been hard. Heartbreak and suffering and anguish are bound to be part of the human experience. I really don't know what lies ahead for me. I know that there are great things in store, if I can maintain a cheery outlook and optimistic attitude about life. Storms may arise.
But I choose to be happy.
November 26, 2012
when everything happens for a reason
I'm in Ether in the Book of Mormon -- specifically the brother of Jared.
For those of you who are familiar with the story, feel free to skip the next paragraph.
For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Jared and his family are about to travel in tiny boats across the Atlantic Ocean to sail to the Promised Land. Unfortunately, they have no source of light (windows would break and a fire would be ridiculously silly). The brother of Jared, searching for a solution, turns to the Lord for help. The Lord responds by asking what the brother of Jared would have him do. The BoJ climbs up a mountain and prepares several little stones and asks the Lord to give them light. After he asks for this to be done, the Lord appears to the Brother of Jared, first with his finger and then as an entire personage. It's pretty awesome.
I've been noticing the little finger of God in my life so often now that I am back in school. When I was home schooled there were so many BIG, BIG things that were evident to me. Every day seemed like a miracle because I was living a super charmed life and learning incredible spiritual lessons at every page turn. In the real world, however, things have gotten busy. Super busy. Unnecessarily so. I've been struggling to juggle all of the things that I feel like I need to be doing (which I did feel last year) and the things that I want to be doing. Luckily, through the clouds of human interaction and hours and hours of homework, I have been able to see sneak peaks of the hand of the Lord -- time and time again.
Already this year, I have faced challenges that I have never had to deal with in my life previously. Sometimes I am completely ignorant to any solution. Sometimes I know what I need to do, but I lack enough courage to do it. When I have gone to the Lord to solve these problems, usually I get a similar answer as the brother of Jared: "What would you like me to do about it, Laney?" As I have put myself in the BoJ's situation, I can imagine how he must have felt. Finding the answer, whether it is how to handle light sources or insane drama, is not a picnic. It required effort for the BoJ to climb up that mountain, combined with the courage and faith to ask for help, in order to receive sufficient guidance. I've had to dig into the scriptures and humble myself, but suddenly and eventually my eyes are opened to all the things the Lord has done for me.
He has blessed me with so much. Even though things are a little rocky with people at school, I have an incredible, kind, forgiving family who is willing to support me. I have so many great friends. My teachers care about how I am doing and are anxious to see me succeed. Heath called me today to tell me he got his mission call (Buenos Aires North) and is leaving soon. I could sit and list my blessings for hours, but I won't put you through that. Just know, at the top of the struggling, at the top of the mountain, the view is incredible.
For those of you who are familiar with the story, feel free to skip the next paragraph.
For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Jared and his family are about to travel in tiny boats across the Atlantic Ocean to sail to the Promised Land. Unfortunately, they have no source of light (windows would break and a fire would be ridiculously silly). The brother of Jared, searching for a solution, turns to the Lord for help. The Lord responds by asking what the brother of Jared would have him do. The BoJ climbs up a mountain and prepares several little stones and asks the Lord to give them light. After he asks for this to be done, the Lord appears to the Brother of Jared, first with his finger and then as an entire personage. It's pretty awesome.
I've been noticing the little finger of God in my life so often now that I am back in school. When I was home schooled there were so many BIG, BIG things that were evident to me. Every day seemed like a miracle because I was living a super charmed life and learning incredible spiritual lessons at every page turn. In the real world, however, things have gotten busy. Super busy. Unnecessarily so. I've been struggling to juggle all of the things that I feel like I need to be doing (which I did feel last year) and the things that I want to be doing. Luckily, through the clouds of human interaction and hours and hours of homework, I have been able to see sneak peaks of the hand of the Lord -- time and time again.
Already this year, I have faced challenges that I have never had to deal with in my life previously. Sometimes I am completely ignorant to any solution. Sometimes I know what I need to do, but I lack enough courage to do it. When I have gone to the Lord to solve these problems, usually I get a similar answer as the brother of Jared: "What would you like me to do about it, Laney?" As I have put myself in the BoJ's situation, I can imagine how he must have felt. Finding the answer, whether it is how to handle light sources or insane drama, is not a picnic. It required effort for the BoJ to climb up that mountain, combined with the courage and faith to ask for help, in order to receive sufficient guidance. I've had to dig into the scriptures and humble myself, but suddenly and eventually my eyes are opened to all the things the Lord has done for me.
He has blessed me with so much. Even though things are a little rocky with people at school, I have an incredible, kind, forgiving family who is willing to support me. I have so many great friends. My teachers care about how I am doing and are anxious to see me succeed. Heath called me today to tell me he got his mission call (Buenos Aires North) and is leaving soon. I could sit and list my blessings for hours, but I won't put you through that. Just know, at the top of the struggling, at the top of the mountain, the view is incredible.
October 25, 2012
why my friends are slightly chilly AKA flipping cool
The story of today began a little more than a week ago, but I don't want to go into my personal feelings and whatnot so ...
the story of my day began at 3 o'clock in the morning. I woke up in a cold sweat because I had had an unusually vivid dream. I can't remember what the dream was, but I know that in it, my day stunk. I threw on a pair of sweats and a form-fitting shirt in anticipation and left for seminary. It was a pretty typical morning.
I couldn't focus through seminary because I was anticipating a few things throughout the school day. I couldn't focus as I was driving to school. A depressing Regina Spektor song (it's an oxymoron, I know) was running through my head as I hopped out of my car. Usually, my sister accompanies me to school, but today was her birthday, so she skipped and I walked in alone.
Chipper.
The intercom rang in first hour and a voice asked for me to come down to the office with my keys. I thought that my dad might have wanted to take The Green Rocket to the shop (because The Green Rocket is practically falling apart). The hallways were super sunny and I felt hopeful. That kind of died when Officer Lopez told me I had left my lights on. My stomach sunk because I knew that if I had left my lights on for even five minutes, my battery would be dead.
I tried to start it, and, of course, it didn't work. But I had scholar bowl today, so I knew that one of my friends would be able to help me ... right?
With that in mind, I wasn't too worried. I felt like an idiot for leaving my lights on, but I was confident that it would be okay. Somehow, I was going to make it home.
At the beginning of journalism, I asked my friend, Kyle, if he had any jumper cables. Luckily, he thought he did, and I felt better immediately. The end of the school day came and went (I love that part of school) and I checked with Kyle to make sure he'd be able to jump my car. He was staying for French Club (if I wasn't so dedicated to Scholar Bowl, I probably would have stayed for it too. They were watching DESPICABLE ME! IN FRENCH!) for the first part of the night, but he said that he would find me at the end of Scholar Bowl.
Scholar Bowl was super fun, as always. My team rebounded from losing 10-50 to winning 150-110. We have class. At the end, a bunch of hooligans, my friends, came sauntering in. "How was the movie?" I asked. Kyle said that they hadn't gotten to watch the movie because he had to go home. Why would he ever miss out on Despicable Me? To get jumper cables for my car. He got three thousand cool points in record time.
The end of Scholar Bowl came and went (that is my least favorite part) and I was ready to be home. Today was average at best, and I felt a little sniffly and sentimental. And that Regina Spektor song was still playing in my head! Kyle, Tristan, and Ethan were gunna help me out, and I was so appreciative. We started to head outside ... and it was raining.
Not just the warm kind of rain that you can go out and dance in. This was give you hypothermia and kill you rain. With a slight breeze. Tristan and I forgot to bring jackets today because it has been so warm, so we were freezing and dripping wet. After popping my hood, I patiently waited for the guys to take over. Since The Green Rocket is such a stinky car, I'm pretty skilled at jumping things, but I wanted to see what would happen.
First, we couldn't get the hood to Kyle's truck to open. Kyle has been driving for a grand total of three days, so there wasn't much help experience wise. My Advanced Composition teacher and her husband pulled up and offered to help instead. (Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Scott)! As a bystander, it was awesome to watch them work it out. It was so awesome that I didn't even care that someone came up and asked what color my car was. It was so awesome that I didn't mind the pouring rain. I was super impressed and super cold and my hair was dripping wet.
After, we went out for hot chocolate.
It was an adventurous day ... and it turns out my dream wasn't prophecy (I guess my dreams of becoming an oracle are ruined). Even though everything went wrong, my day was actually pretty great. As I drove home in the rain, the Regina Spektor played through my head, "Samson, get back to bed ..." and that's where I am. Toasty warm and content.
the story of my day began at 3 o'clock in the morning. I woke up in a cold sweat because I had had an unusually vivid dream. I can't remember what the dream was, but I know that in it, my day stunk. I threw on a pair of sweats and a form-fitting shirt in anticipation and left for seminary. It was a pretty typical morning.
I couldn't focus through seminary because I was anticipating a few things throughout the school day. I couldn't focus as I was driving to school. A depressing Regina Spektor song (it's an oxymoron, I know) was running through my head as I hopped out of my car. Usually, my sister accompanies me to school, but today was her birthday, so she skipped and I walked in alone.
Chipper.
The intercom rang in first hour and a voice asked for me to come down to the office with my keys. I thought that my dad might have wanted to take The Green Rocket to the shop (because The Green Rocket is practically falling apart). The hallways were super sunny and I felt hopeful. That kind of died when Officer Lopez told me I had left my lights on. My stomach sunk because I knew that if I had left my lights on for even five minutes, my battery would be dead.
I tried to start it, and, of course, it didn't work. But I had scholar bowl today, so I knew that one of my friends would be able to help me ... right?
With that in mind, I wasn't too worried. I felt like an idiot for leaving my lights on, but I was confident that it would be okay. Somehow, I was going to make it home.
At the beginning of journalism, I asked my friend, Kyle, if he had any jumper cables. Luckily, he thought he did, and I felt better immediately. The end of the school day came and went (I love that part of school) and I checked with Kyle to make sure he'd be able to jump my car. He was staying for French Club (if I wasn't so dedicated to Scholar Bowl, I probably would have stayed for it too. They were watching DESPICABLE ME! IN FRENCH!) for the first part of the night, but he said that he would find me at the end of Scholar Bowl.
Scholar Bowl was super fun, as always. My team rebounded from losing 10-50 to winning 150-110. We have class. At the end, a bunch of hooligans, my friends, came sauntering in. "How was the movie?" I asked. Kyle said that they hadn't gotten to watch the movie because he had to go home. Why would he ever miss out on Despicable Me? To get jumper cables for my car. He got three thousand cool points in record time.
The end of Scholar Bowl came and went (that is my least favorite part) and I was ready to be home. Today was average at best, and I felt a little sniffly and sentimental. And that Regina Spektor song was still playing in my head! Kyle, Tristan, and Ethan were gunna help me out, and I was so appreciative. We started to head outside ... and it was raining.
Not just the warm kind of rain that you can go out and dance in. This was give you hypothermia and kill you rain. With a slight breeze. Tristan and I forgot to bring jackets today because it has been so warm, so we were freezing and dripping wet. After popping my hood, I patiently waited for the guys to take over. Since The Green Rocket is such a stinky car, I'm pretty skilled at jumping things, but I wanted to see what would happen.
First, we couldn't get the hood to Kyle's truck to open. Kyle has been driving for a grand total of three days, so there wasn't much help experience wise. My Advanced Composition teacher and her husband pulled up and offered to help instead. (Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Scott)! As a bystander, it was awesome to watch them work it out. It was so awesome that I didn't even care that someone came up and asked what color my car was. It was so awesome that I didn't mind the pouring rain. I was super impressed and super cold and my hair was dripping wet.
After, we went out for hot chocolate.
It was an adventurous day ... and it turns out my dream wasn't prophecy (I guess my dreams of becoming an oracle are ruined). Even though everything went wrong, my day was actually pretty great. As I drove home in the rain, the Regina Spektor played through my head, "Samson, get back to bed ..." and that's where I am. Toasty warm and content.
September 3, 2012
five reasons why: Facebook is a conspiracy
I don't know if y'all know this, but a week ago I decided to give up Facebook. It wasn't a matter of eternity (only a week) but it still felt so monumental in my life. It may sound completely silly, but I learned a ton about myself from the self-proclaimed fast. More in fact, than I could have learned from the countless status updates of others. Since relinquishing Facebook's zombie inducing effects, I have had a lot of time to think (a dangerous past time! NAME THAT MOVIE). And with that thinking time, I found myself thinking about Facebook ... a lot, and I have officially decided that Facebook is a conspiracy destined to ruin the lives of all who use it.
You might wonder why I think this ... There are a ton of reasons, but here are the TOP FOUR:
1. It is a black hole of lost opportunities. For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these "it might have been." This past general conference, Robert D. Hales gave a super awesome talk about personal conversion and he used this quote. I was actually at the Conference Center when these words were spoken and they have stayed with me through the year. I have always wondered the things I could accomplish if I spent less time on the computer and more time serving others and bettering myself. Well, as the week has gone on, I found myself doing exactly that. I found time in my day to serve, to clean, to bake, to read and read and read. In fact, I finished Spencer W. Kimball's biography (which was excellent) and also a book he wrote called "Faith Precedes the Miracle" which has become one of my favorite church books! I was also able to read the ENTIRE New Testament -- this in and of itself made the whole Facebook free week worth it. I learned so much about the gospel and my testimony was strengthened, especially my testimony of Jesus Christ. It is incredible what might be if we just avoid or limit the time we spend on the internet and Facebook, specifically. I am not suggesting that Facebook is evil in itself, but it does have a bit of a time sucking quality. Am I right? Have you ever found yourself sitting down for a just a few spare minutes and then getting up an hour later? Or have you ever woken up and flipped over your phone to automatically see how many notifications you have gotten over the course of the night? Please don't tell me that it's just me that finds myself doing it! That would make me feel like a loser ... which brings me to my next point.
2. It damages real life relationships and social skills. I have been on Facebook for longer than I care to admit. Its been a friend or foe all through out my awkward years and through my social prime. Through it all, I have noticed how I am just a little different behind a computer screen than out in person. I tend to be a little wittier online, a little more bold in my thinking, and a little more offended when people do not respond the way I think they should to the way I act. Some people are more vulgar online than in person. Some are more reserved. There are some shy people (in real life) that I know that are able to open up over the internet. I think this is an incredible thing to behold! I think that because the computer is such a convenient way to contact people, it is slowly replacing face to face communication with others. If I have a problem to solve, or if I don't want to offend someone too much, if I want to confess my love to someone ... I'll post it on Facebook! Once again, I'm sure it is not this way for everyone, but I think that when I was younger, Facebook made me a little bit too comfortable with who I was on the computer, leaving my real self wondering how to move forward. Luckily, I have been able to grow out of that, but it really makes me wonder how much our interactions online determine how we are as a real person.
3. It encourages stalking. One of the things I missed the most about Facebook during the week was the stalking. That seems incredibly stupid, but it is so true. Fun fact -- as a youngster, I was the nosiest person in the world. I love knowing other people's business, whether it be how they are feeling or who they are going out with currently. Facebook stalking is such an easy, unobtrusive way to get that information, but it is so wrong for me to enjoy! I found myself seeing the things that others would put on Facebook and wanting more, but to ask in person would admit that you have been Facebook stalking! Such a tricky thing. And then there is the fact that others could be stalking me as well ... which just wasn't something that I was comfortable with.
4. It is potentially addictive (and therefore harmful). I really do think that Facebook, in little doses, is a wonderful tool to connect and share the gospel. It has been a lovely thing for me to help reach out to less active people and my friends from various summer camps. However, I have an extremely addictive personality. I get obsessed about things very easily and Facebook is not excluded from my obsessions. I sometimes find myself rolling out of bed and checking my phone to see what's happened on the Facebook world while I've been asleep. I don't think that that is a very healthy habit ... it is certainly worth taking a break when it gets to be that bad.
You might wonder why I think this ... There are a ton of reasons, but here are the TOP FOUR:
1. It is a black hole of lost opportunities. For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these "it might have been." This past general conference, Robert D. Hales gave a super awesome talk about personal conversion and he used this quote. I was actually at the Conference Center when these words were spoken and they have stayed with me through the year. I have always wondered the things I could accomplish if I spent less time on the computer and more time serving others and bettering myself. Well, as the week has gone on, I found myself doing exactly that. I found time in my day to serve, to clean, to bake, to read and read and read. In fact, I finished Spencer W. Kimball's biography (which was excellent) and also a book he wrote called "Faith Precedes the Miracle" which has become one of my favorite church books! I was also able to read the ENTIRE New Testament -- this in and of itself made the whole Facebook free week worth it. I learned so much about the gospel and my testimony was strengthened, especially my testimony of Jesus Christ. It is incredible what might be if we just avoid or limit the time we spend on the internet and Facebook, specifically. I am not suggesting that Facebook is evil in itself, but it does have a bit of a time sucking quality. Am I right? Have you ever found yourself sitting down for a just a few spare minutes and then getting up an hour later? Or have you ever woken up and flipped over your phone to automatically see how many notifications you have gotten over the course of the night? Please don't tell me that it's just me that finds myself doing it! That would make me feel like a loser ... which brings me to my next point.
2. It damages real life relationships and social skills. I have been on Facebook for longer than I care to admit. Its been a friend or foe all through out my awkward years and through my social prime. Through it all, I have noticed how I am just a little different behind a computer screen than out in person. I tend to be a little wittier online, a little more bold in my thinking, and a little more offended when people do not respond the way I think they should to the way I act. Some people are more vulgar online than in person. Some are more reserved. There are some shy people (in real life) that I know that are able to open up over the internet. I think this is an incredible thing to behold! I think that because the computer is such a convenient way to contact people, it is slowly replacing face to face communication with others. If I have a problem to solve, or if I don't want to offend someone too much, if I want to confess my love to someone ... I'll post it on Facebook! Once again, I'm sure it is not this way for everyone, but I think that when I was younger, Facebook made me a little bit too comfortable with who I was on the computer, leaving my real self wondering how to move forward. Luckily, I have been able to grow out of that, but it really makes me wonder how much our interactions online determine how we are as a real person.
3. It encourages stalking. One of the things I missed the most about Facebook during the week was the stalking. That seems incredibly stupid, but it is so true. Fun fact -- as a youngster, I was the nosiest person in the world. I love knowing other people's business, whether it be how they are feeling or who they are going out with currently. Facebook stalking is such an easy, unobtrusive way to get that information, but it is so wrong for me to enjoy! I found myself seeing the things that others would put on Facebook and wanting more, but to ask in person would admit that you have been Facebook stalking! Such a tricky thing. And then there is the fact that others could be stalking me as well ... which just wasn't something that I was comfortable with.
4. It is potentially addictive (and therefore harmful). I really do think that Facebook, in little doses, is a wonderful tool to connect and share the gospel. It has been a lovely thing for me to help reach out to less active people and my friends from various summer camps. However, I have an extremely addictive personality. I get obsessed about things very easily and Facebook is not excluded from my obsessions. I sometimes find myself rolling out of bed and checking my phone to see what's happened on the Facebook world while I've been asleep. I don't think that that is a very healthy habit ... it is certainly worth taking a break when it gets to be that bad.
October 24, 2011
graded english assignment
I am a little bummed out. I turned in all of my papers in to BYU Independent Study, and today I received one packet back.
So far, I have gotten a 98 on my assignments that I have had to write.
I know that doesn't sound too bad, but when I looked at those papers, I knew that it wasn't the grade that I deserved. I looked at the answers that I wrote for To Kill a Mockingbird that were "so thorough" and I remembered that I had already read that book several times. I looked at my persuasive essay (that I wrote last year -- it was the same assignment, so I didn't consider it cheating) and I realized that I have really degraded when it comes to my writing skills. For me ... this is big. This is a HUGE realization. Writing is one of my special talents (in my own opinion) and I saw the half thought out papers and I wanted to cry.
How did I write that? Did I actually write that paper?
But it's true. I wrote every single page, and most of it was terrible! TERRIBLE. I made silly mistakes and I could see where I could have expounded a certain idea.
Hind sight really is 20/20. (But so is my regular eyesight.)
Yesterday, I went to bed crying. I realized that I had gotten nothing done this week. I did a lot of babysitting ... a lot of being sick ... a lot of watching movies about Jesus and princesses ... but I learned nothing. I did ONE lesson of Spanish the whole week. I studied for two finals I have next Monday for a total of TWO hours. (So not ready). I felt a little useless ... and a LOT disappointed in myself.
I have been having legit nightmares that I will go back to school and I wont be able to function. That my teachers will ask me to do something I can't do. I am pretty sure I am a freak in that phobia area.
I really, really, REALLY hope that there is a good reason for this. I know that there is. I know that there are things I need to learn that I can't in school. But I feel like there is a lot that I am missing by not going to school. Not even socially. I miss doing math. I miss writing good papers. I miss time away from the computer and actually thinking for MYSELF instead of vegging off of what the computer gives me.
On the bright side (I just reread over this post and it made me want to go sit in a dark room. Sorry.) Heavenly Father is looking out for me. I know that he loves me. Now I need to find the motivation to get things done. And I can do it.
So far, I have gotten a 98 on my assignments that I have had to write.
I know that doesn't sound too bad, but when I looked at those papers, I knew that it wasn't the grade that I deserved. I looked at the answers that I wrote for To Kill a Mockingbird that were "so thorough" and I remembered that I had already read that book several times. I looked at my persuasive essay (that I wrote last year -- it was the same assignment, so I didn't consider it cheating) and I realized that I have really degraded when it comes to my writing skills. For me ... this is big. This is a HUGE realization. Writing is one of my special talents (in my own opinion) and I saw the half thought out papers and I wanted to cry.
How did I write that? Did I actually write that paper?
But it's true. I wrote every single page, and most of it was terrible! TERRIBLE. I made silly mistakes and I could see where I could have expounded a certain idea.
Hind sight really is 20/20. (But so is my regular eyesight.)
Yesterday, I went to bed crying. I realized that I had gotten nothing done this week. I did a lot of babysitting ... a lot of being sick ... a lot of watching movies about Jesus and princesses ... but I learned nothing. I did ONE lesson of Spanish the whole week. I studied for two finals I have next Monday for a total of TWO hours. (So not ready). I felt a little useless ... and a LOT disappointed in myself.
I have been having legit nightmares that I will go back to school and I wont be able to function. That my teachers will ask me to do something I can't do. I am pretty sure I am a freak in that phobia area.
I really, really, REALLY hope that there is a good reason for this. I know that there is. I know that there are things I need to learn that I can't in school. But I feel like there is a lot that I am missing by not going to school. Not even socially. I miss doing math. I miss writing good papers. I miss time away from the computer and actually thinking for MYSELF instead of vegging off of what the computer gives me.
On the bright side (I just reread over this post and it made me want to go sit in a dark room. Sorry.) Heavenly Father is looking out for me. I know that he loves me. Now I need to find the motivation to get things done. And I can do it.
July 8, 2011
i want ...
I went on a shopping trip recently ... It went well, all things considered.
I haven't been in a shopping mood recently, but I have fallen into a bit of money. Usually I have just the opposite problem. Most of the time I stare longingly at beautiful prints and pants and shoes that make my heart pound. Most of the time, I can't afford anything. But now that I have money, I find I want to spend it less and less.
But a couple of days ago, I realized that EFY was coming up ... and I had absolutely NOTHING to wear. Actually, I have quite a bit in my closet and the clean clothes hamper downstairs, still waiting to be folded and put away.
The need to shop made my brain go slightly crazy momentarily. Usually my gas ends up sucking up most of my paycheck, so I had to be sure to use my money sparingly. But of course, even with my modest budget, I splurged.
I bought five adorable shirts and a cover-up to hide their garish immodesty. I got two pairs of adorable shoes (on sale!) that I just fell in love with. At the end of the trip, I even had enough money to lend to my mom to pay for our monthly eye-brow threading ritual. It seems painful, and it is ... apparently. I actually never do this lovely technique because I maintain my eyebrows pretty well on my own ... and Savannah's tears of pain have made me a little afraid of the little Indian woman that informs me that my eyebrows need a treatment of their own.
Even with this lovely shopping trip, I find myself wanting things. Is that an awful thing? I feel pretty awful when I think about it. But it's true. I am human, for those of you that might be thinking I am an emotionless robot. I burp, I am a recluse, and I want so many things.
I want a Vera Bradley shoulder bag for school -- Despite the fact that my dad hates Vera with a passion now. I want a cute shirt that I don't have to modify to make it modest. I want a couple pairs of pants that actually fit me. I want a forty-nine cent ice cream cone from McDonalds. I want to be a painting, running, flirting, hair-falls-exactly-into-place, apostle's wife.
All that aside, five shirts and two pairs of shoes make me feel pretty darn happy! Hooray for shopping!
(I am feeling a little post happy ... bear with me! =) )
I haven't been in a shopping mood recently, but I have fallen into a bit of money. Usually I have just the opposite problem. Most of the time I stare longingly at beautiful prints and pants and shoes that make my heart pound. Most of the time, I can't afford anything. But now that I have money, I find I want to spend it less and less.
But a couple of days ago, I realized that EFY was coming up ... and I had absolutely NOTHING to wear. Actually, I have quite a bit in my closet and the clean clothes hamper downstairs, still waiting to be folded and put away.
The need to shop made my brain go slightly crazy momentarily. Usually my gas ends up sucking up most of my paycheck, so I had to be sure to use my money sparingly. But of course, even with my modest budget, I splurged.
I bought five adorable shirts and a cover-up to hide their garish immodesty. I got two pairs of adorable shoes (on sale!) that I just fell in love with. At the end of the trip, I even had enough money to lend to my mom to pay for our monthly eye-brow threading ritual. It seems painful, and it is ... apparently. I actually never do this lovely technique because I maintain my eyebrows pretty well on my own ... and Savannah's tears of pain have made me a little afraid of the little Indian woman that informs me that my eyebrows need a treatment of their own.
Even with this lovely shopping trip, I find myself wanting things. Is that an awful thing? I feel pretty awful when I think about it. But it's true. I am human, for those of you that might be thinking I am an emotionless robot. I burp, I am a recluse, and I want so many things.
I want a Vera Bradley shoulder bag for school -- Despite the fact that my dad hates Vera with a passion now. I want a cute shirt that I don't have to modify to make it modest. I want a couple pairs of pants that actually fit me. I want a forty-nine cent ice cream cone from McDonalds. I want to be a painting, running, flirting, hair-falls-exactly-into-place, apostle's wife.
All that aside, five shirts and two pairs of shoes make me feel pretty darn happy! Hooray for shopping!
(I am feeling a little post happy ... bear with me! =) )
May 10, 2011
school year's end
When I'm close to tears at a Thespian Picnic, I know it's the end of the year.
When I start panicking and laughing hysterically because I am too relaxed, I know it's the end of the year.
When I start planning outfits for my summer activities, it is definitely the end of the year. (And time to find a new hobby).
I'm having some bitter-sweet feelings about the end. At the beginning of the summer I felt like I needed to get home schooled because I didn't feel like this year was going to be good at all. I didn't want to loosen up with my standards and all the good feelings that I had experienced during the year. I didn't want to face the friends that I knew I would have to drift from.
But something encouraged me to stay.
And even through one of the hardest years of my life, I think I know why I needed to stay. Through my trials this year, I have been blessed with such strength. With every emotional break-down, I have been able to be lifted up and built to be a better person. As I have tried new things and met new people, I have been able to grow as a person.
So, while I go and have one of those emotional breakdowns again, I hope that everyone I have interacted with this year knows that even though I am a tight-wad, try-hard, Mormon, you made me better in every way! :)
Thanks!
When I start panicking and laughing hysterically because I am too relaxed, I know it's the end of the year.
When I start planning outfits for my summer activities, it is definitely the end of the year. (And time to find a new hobby).
I'm having some bitter-sweet feelings about the end. At the beginning of the summer I felt like I needed to get home schooled because I didn't feel like this year was going to be good at all. I didn't want to loosen up with my standards and all the good feelings that I had experienced during the year. I didn't want to face the friends that I knew I would have to drift from.
But something encouraged me to stay.
And even through one of the hardest years of my life, I think I know why I needed to stay. Through my trials this year, I have been blessed with such strength. With every emotional break-down, I have been able to be lifted up and built to be a better person. As I have tried new things and met new people, I have been able to grow as a person.
So, while I go and have one of those emotional breakdowns again, I hope that everyone I have interacted with this year knows that even though I am a tight-wad, try-hard, Mormon, you made me better in every way! :)
Thanks!
April 2, 2011
the great prom dilemma
What do I SAY?
First of all, this kid is one of my better friends (not really my best friend but not an acquaintance) and so I didn't want to disappoint him. I've known him for a pretty long time and he gives great hugs, but the relationship is purely platonic. I figure that if I did go with him, nothing awful would happen and I would most likely have a good time. But to be honest, the whole idea of prom with him ... it intimidates me. I keep thinking about the what ifs, and they make me want to curl up in a ball and never leave my room. My parents keep telling me that the idea they've instilled into my mind of devilish dancing and music is not really true.
Boy, am I having a hard time believing that.
Also, I told this guy that he had to find 5 couples to go with us to the pre-prom stuff so that I would feel comfortable. Is this unreasonable? I didn't think so, but he does ... And so I've been informed that if he doesn't find the couples, he's going to go with someone else. It makes me feel a lot better that he wouldn't try to make me go for one less couple or even two (as far as I know, he has three couples). He respects my guidelines (or my dad's) and that makes me respect him that much more. What a nice kid!
If he doesn't find the couples, than I guess its no big deal. I don't have to find a modest prom dress -- phew -- and I don't have to worry about feeling uncomfortable the whole time. I'm not wishfully dreaming about this lovely state of mind, but I hope that everything works out ... That's what is supposed to happen ... right?
March 18, 2011
weather: rollercoaster style
Other wise known as why I love Missouri. There seems to be a mystery behind every change in the weather, which makes it practically impossible for me to stick with a weather man. Take today for example -- the forecasted temp? 75 degrees ... and it started out that way. As soon as I got the urge to wander aimlessly outside however, the perfect warmth was replaced by a blast of cool air. This spring break is quickly turning into another winter break, which is okay with me, but I will be so ready for the surety of at least warm weather rain or shine.
After a quick trip up to Nauvoo (more later) I am feeling drained. I really can't find the energy to do anything I had planned. The jeans I woke up in are still on and I am sporting a two day straightened pony tail. The contents of my wallet fell out while we were going to the courthouse to pick up our passports and my dad commented that I was, "falling apart." While this was said jokingly, I am starting to feel like it's the truth. Ahhh ... the trials of being a teenager. I wonder if it gets any better ... will I ever feel solid -- no matter how I look? I don't know the answer, but I do know that the shower is calling my name!
And then maybe I'll find the motivation to catch up on cleaning and writing those papers. Wish me luck!
After a quick trip up to Nauvoo (more later) I am feeling drained. I really can't find the energy to do anything I had planned. The jeans I woke up in are still on and I am sporting a two day straightened pony tail. The contents of my wallet fell out while we were going to the courthouse to pick up our passports and my dad commented that I was, "falling apart." While this was said jokingly, I am starting to feel like it's the truth. Ahhh ... the trials of being a teenager. I wonder if it gets any better ... will I ever feel solid -- no matter how I look? I don't know the answer, but I do know that the shower is calling my name!
And then maybe I'll find the motivation to catch up on cleaning and writing those papers. Wish me luck!
January 27, 2011
after a bad day, things can only get better.
Yesterday was not a good one according to my books.
It seemed that nothing went right. It was cold and depressing at school (like always) and then after a long 2 and half hours spent after school, there was mutual. I won't go too into depth, but I feel out of sorts with the girls in my new group. They are already BFF's (and beaaaaautiful!), so there really is no place for me to squeeze my tiny personality in between.
Needless to say, I had a little get to know me time with myself. And it involved crying -- a lot of crying. It was for good though. It was really selfish of me to cry at all, but I felt as if I walked away with the knowledge that friends would come to me and that I would be able to endure whatever was put before me. I also realized that my whole concept of "womanly attributes" is based on what I like in others, not what I like in myself. What I really need is some confidence pants to get me out of these endless trudges I go through.
Off the yesterday train, today was much better. It was warm outside, I got most of the things I neglected to do yesterday done -- it was just ... better. I can't explain the feeling I had throughout the day. It gave me power. I felt as though I was okay and not alone. I know the Lord's hand was prevalent in my life today.
As George Harrison says, "here comes the sun." Spring is on the verge and just knowing that makes me way happier.
It seemed that nothing went right. It was cold and depressing at school (like always) and then after a long 2 and half hours spent after school, there was mutual. I won't go too into depth, but I feel out of sorts with the girls in my new group. They are already BFF's (and beaaaaautiful!), so there really is no place for me to squeeze my tiny personality in between.
Needless to say, I had a little get to know me time with myself. And it involved crying -- a lot of crying. It was for good though. It was really selfish of me to cry at all, but I felt as if I walked away with the knowledge that friends would come to me and that I would be able to endure whatever was put before me. I also realized that my whole concept of "womanly attributes" is based on what I like in others, not what I like in myself. What I really need is some confidence pants to get me out of these endless trudges I go through.
Off the yesterday train, today was much better. It was warm outside, I got most of the things I neglected to do yesterday done -- it was just ... better. I can't explain the feeling I had throughout the day. It gave me power. I felt as though I was okay and not alone. I know the Lord's hand was prevalent in my life today.
As George Harrison says, "here comes the sun." Spring is on the verge and just knowing that makes me way happier.
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