Week Thirty-Eight: More ...

Picture sent by Hermana Bucerei taken a few weeks ago

Area: Fruitillares

Companion: Hermana Caseres

Dear, dear, dear familia,

Did you know that I love you a lot? It makes me so happy to hear from you!! I can't even believe that things are moving by so quickly! Thanks for being the BEST family in the whole world.

Mom, you really have outdone yourself with the packages. I have gotten three in the past three weeks. They tell me that the people in the post office know me by name now haha. I have LOVED the packages. I use the leaf from the Sacred Grove in our lessons and the people just cry because they can't believe that I have a little peice of that holy ground. I wear my prarie diamond every day and people ask me all the time what it means. I also have been sharing the American candy with the members when they come out with us and it helps them to want to keep coming out with us. I am so grateful for these little packets of heaven. Thank you sooooo much! It means the world to me!!

Whooooo, this week was a little bit hard. I think that training is just a little bit more stressful ... More than anything it is because I want everything to work out perfectly and when it doesn't and Hermana Caseres gets sad, it breaks my heart. But, I am learning so many really, really important things.

We found a REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome family of menos activos this week. He (Hermano Arias) actually contacted us in the street when I was on a mini-cambio with Hermana Heslop. He explained to us that his family was a little bit alejado (basically this means menos-activo) from the church and that they had moved here a couple of weeks ago. They moved here from Punta Arenas (which is basically the South Pole of Chile) because the Hermano has a disease with his lungs and the frigid environment in the south wasn't doing him any good. He was a bishop in the south, but because of his disease, he hasn't gone to church for five years. He told us the day that we contacted him that he was sick of being away from the church and that he was ready to work where ever he was needed. Basically, I died a little of happiness. What a miracle for our little branch!

We went to visit this family in their house this week and had such a spiritual experience. Together, we read DyC 4 and explained to the family that if they were ready to work, we were ready to PUT THEM TO WORK. They were sooo excited and willing ... and I am so excited that they are that way. I think that they are going to change our branch completely. He reminds me a lot of Grandpa Blau, and I felt really at ease talking with him. His wife, Nora, is incredible as well. She sang us In the Hollow of Thy Hand and I realized how much I have been learning and growing on the mission. I feel a little bit more like an adult now. I am feeling a lot more stable emotionally and my testimony has deepened sooo much. I had an experience this week while I was praying ... I felt the love of God and it was TANGIBLE. It filled my whole body. I know that God lives and that he loves me! This knowledge is something that is priceless for me. What a joy it is to be a missionary.

I have also been humbled greatly in this time as a missionary. I can see all of my weaknesses soooo plainly and it kills me. My teaching has improved, but it still isn't exactly how I want it to be. For example, one day this week, we passed by a menos activo family of the elders. I really had NO IDEA what to share with them ... but I felt like we should visit them so we headed over with a member that always accompanies us. We chatted for a little bit and then it was time for the message. I opened the scriptures and found a scripture that I thought applied, but I had the hardest time explaining what I thought. I struggled for a couple of minutes trying to get this family to understand ... when Hermana Caseres said, "I testify of what my companion is saying." She took the wheel and the lesson ended up being alright. I felt SOOOO LAME. I just wanted to cry. I have 9 months in the lesson. I've almost hit the half way and I can't even teach right.

The tender mercies that followed were a great lesson to me. We went to have a noche de hogar with a family that I love in the ward and we watch the bible movie from the church about the Prodigal Son. I felt so guided by the spirit as we taught this lesson and everyone was crying by the end. (Did you know that Heavenly Father's love is soooo gigantic? It stuns me every time I think about it.) The funny thing is, even though I felt like the lesson was sooo lame, Elder Hampton thanked me yesterday for teaching it. He said that the family LOVED the lesson and that they really felt the spirit as we were sharing. Hmmmm ... I felt a little bit better about our teaching and being a missionary. Every day, there are little things that help me to remember that I am still learning and that it is okay to make mistakes ... as long as we learn from them. I am still struggling to learn that.

We had so many investigators this week that I was sure were going to go to church on Sunday. I prayed on Saturday night that they would be able to come. That they would be able to overcome what is keeping them from progressing. I prayed that our menos activos would be able to come as well ... because we worked so hard with them this week and they promised to us (and to Heavenly Father) that they would come. I said, "Heavenly Father, if they are there, I will be so happy. I will know that my work has paid off." We woke up and it was raining really hard ... and I had a strange feeling in my heart that the people weren't going to show up (because in Chile ... it is a little bit like that ... if it rains, the people don't come).

We walked and walked in the rain to pick people up from their houses, but nobody was home (or they didn't answer the door). When we showed up to the church, hardly anyone was there. I worked really hard to animate Hermana Caseres and help her to realize that everything was alright, because it frustrates her when the people don't act. Surprisingly, even though we only had two menos activos in the church this week, I felt pretty okay ... because I knew that we had done our very best to get the people there. Also, the people that came, Carlos Garrido and Magaly Bustos are basically my favorite people on the planet ... and they came early. I was pretty content.

Actually, yesterday, we gave our numbers for this week and I felt good about them. We really worked our tails off this week trying to get people to church and working with the members. The thing is, we are still struggling finding people. Our District Leader was talking to me about it and he said, "Hermana, everything starts with faith. If you have the faith to find ... and that Heavenly Father can help you to reach your goals, Heavenly Father will help you to reach your goals." I know that that is true. I KNOW that God can work miracles in my mission. I have sooo much faith in that respect. I prayed last night to ask for more. More faith. More consecration. More work. I don't know, I was just a little frustrated, because I feel like I am giving everything, but I also feel like I am giving sooo little. I realized something during this little prayer. I don't lack faith in Heavenly Father ... I know that he will bless me! I think that I lack a little bit of faith in my ability to do everything that the Lord requires of me. I don't know if that makes sense. I am going to start working on that.

Basically, I am still loving life as a missionary. I want the time to STOP. I am so grateful for every second that I have as a missionary, and I hope that I am using my time wisely. I am working really, really, really hard ... but I still feel like I need to consecrate myself more. I just want to be who God expects me to be. I am loving training Hermana Caseres! She still is such a joy and I am learning a ton from her. We are learning together how to be even better missionaries and better servants of God.

Funny story of the week, Hermana Caseres and I have a problem ... because Hermana Caseres doesn't really like using the bathrooms of other people (even though I think that the bathrooms of the people in Chile are better than our bathroom in our house ... six woman in one house ... eugh). I don't like going back to the house for anything, because I want to be out working. So, we have to hold it all day or Hermana Caseres has to use the bathroom of the members. One of the proudest moments of this week (I was prouder than when Hermana Caseres invited to baptism for the first time) was when she finally asked a member to use the bathroom. Haha, the joys of training. We have cute little moments and triumphs like that all of the time. I love my life. :)

Anyways, I hope that you have a wonderful week! I am praying for you all! I really trust that Heavenly Father is taking care of you guys!! :) I LOVE YOU A LOT!!

Love,
Laney

Week Twenty-Eight: por algo estamos aquí (we're here for some reason)

Area: Fruitillares
Companion: Hermana De León

Dear familia,

Oh my word. It sounds like this week has been super nutty. Nutty weeks are good every once and a while, but thank goodness they don't happen all of the time. I am so glad that Girl's Camp went well! I was praying this week that everything would run smoothly!! :) I have to admit that I teared up a little bit to see Grandpa's birthday celebration. Grandpa is my hero ... and it makes me really sad that I probably won't be able to see him again in this life. But, something that is wonderful about being out on a mission is that I tell people every single day that I believe in eternal families ... and it is true. I know that our families can be together forever! Let Grandpa know that I love him somehow.

This week was filled with miracles. It was soooo long. So many things happened. I don't know where to begin!

On Tuesday we had interviews with Presidente. I was super nervous (not exactly sure why) but we were one of the first people to arrive. I LOVE Presidente and I LOVE his wife. Hermana Arrington is pretty much the most precious woman that I have ever met in my life. She doesn't know a lot of Spanish, but she sure knows how to love people. That love just radiates from her!! I love the part of interviews where we wait to go in to talk to Presidente because I have a couple choice minutes to talk to Hermana Arrington. We chatted for a little bit while Presidente was interviewing Hermana De León ... and then it was my turn.

How are you doing, Hermana Blau?

I decided to be completely honest with him. I told him about all of the trials that I have been having and how I felt like EVERYTHING was happening right at once ... I was a mess. I must have looked like a crazy person. He listened to me super patiently ... and then he gave me some good advice. I put my hands in my lap and listened attentively.

Basically, his advice went in this order:

1. Stop feeling guilty.

2. You don't always have to be the strong one.

3. Don't look for the reasons for your trials. Just live as best as you can.

4. Apply the Atonement and LET HEAVENLY FATHER HELP YOU.

I thought the advice was sound. These things are things that I know in my head, but when I was talking with Presidente, I really felt them in my heart. Later that day, I made an assessment of my carga (load). I wrote down everything that I was stressed out about. Then I looked for promises in the scriptures that had to do with lifting burdens. Basically, I found that my burdens aren't actually that heavy ... in fact, they are relatively light -- especially when I remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want to help me to lift them. This knowledge changed my week. I think that it will change my mission and my life! What a lesson to learn.

This week, we put into practice a lot of things to improve the work. We started calling members one day before citas to have them come out with us and it worked like MAGIC! We worked really, really closely with the members this week and it helped us immensly to improve our teaching and our numbers. Wahooooo! Also, every week, we make a list of things that we want to do to find more people. This week, we made the list ... did the things we put down ... and we found people! We had lessons with 8 new people, and a good majority of these people are REALLY PREPARED to hear the gospel. Oh my goodness, this was such a miracle. Heavenly Father blessed us with so much success this week! I cried last night ... but not because I was sad ... it was because I was SOOOO stinking happy. We reached every single one of our goals this week. I have never ever done that on my mission (sometimes it was because we set unattainable goals ... butchaknow). We are working hard here.

Another tender mercy: This week, we were walking home at night. It was a little bit FREEZING, so we were walking pretty quickly when suddenly, a car pulled up next to us. "Hermana Blau, we came to get you!" It was Obispo Torres and his wife! Ahhhhhhhh! We hopped into the car. They told us that they had been dropping off the Hermanas from 18 de Septiembre when the Hermana felt the impression that if they started to drive, they would find me. Bahhhh, I love this family sooo much. They call me their angel from Chillán ... it makes me SOOOO happy to run into them every once and a while. :)

We also had a mini-cambio this week with our Sister Training Leaders. They live in the same house as us, so it is not the most glamorous thing in the whole world ... but it is something different which is always exciting. All that I asked from Heavenly Father was ... "Hey, if I could leave the sector and not have so much pressure ... that would be awesome." (There is always a little bit of stress in showing the sector around to the leaders). My wish was ... not granted. I was going to stay in Frutillares with Hermana Lopez. Ahhh, well. I put on a smile and prayed that our plans would work out just a little bit.

Really, nothing worked out exactly as we planned. We were going to go up to a neighborhood suuuuuuuper far away in the hills to visit a few people, but those plans fell through. We were going to visit one of our new investigators ... fell through. We were going to visit a couple of people near our house ... fell through. But I loved the attitude of Hermana Lopez. "Por ALGO estamos aquí!" she said with every cita that fell. We began to knock doors. We entered in houses and found more and more and more people that were interested in learning about the gospel. Hermana Lopez is a master teacher! I learned so much about how to teach concisely and with authority. INCREDIBLE. Heavenly Father kept me in Frutillares and I am really grateful! He knows what we need.

Ahhhhh! CHILE AGAINST BRAZIL. What was that all about? I could not believe it when I heard that we were in overtime with Brazil. Holy guacamole. Of course, we were in the house watching church approved movies ... but there was such a buzz of excitement. Everything was perfectly silent in town. It was like nobody breathed while we waited to hear what happened. Ah, Chile lost ... but still, the world cup was awesome while it lasted! I don't even like soccer ... but it is so much fun to be in a country where everyone is nuts for something. I had a little trunky moment when I thought about where I would be watching Chile play four years from now ... oh my, it makes me sick to think about. One day at a time is good enough for me.

The dog is basically from heck.
It has tried to bite me soooo many times ... but
I have gotten really good at punching in my defense. :)

Hermana De León and I are working really, really well with the members. We are building and building our relationships with them and it is working! I think that everyone loves and trusts the Hermanas again, which is such a good feeling. Really, I think that the members always loved and supported us ... but now I really, really feel that support. We were driving home from a Noche de Hogar last night with the Presidente de Estaca ... and he wished us good night and said, "Go to your house, our little regalonas." (I think that that means something along the line of the baby of the family). It is a weird Chile thing, but I felt the love the Rama in that statement. I really do love EVERYONE now. It was hard in the beginning ... and I know I say this pretty much every letter, but the more I serve and the more I worry about these people and their lives ... the more I love them. It is beautiful.

With Hermana de León

Hey, a little Spanish update ... I love Spanish. I love talking to Hermana De León in Spanish all day every day. I finally feel like I can say whatever I want. There are some vocabulary gaps, but I really feel like I am starting to get a handle of things. Waaaaahoooo! It is sooo nice to have open communication with the people. It is something that I haven't realized that I have missed ... but it sure makes a difference when you can tell people what is going on. I cannot believe that I practically know another language now. What a stinking change!

Does it look like I'm getting fatter? It's for a good reason ... Chileans eat fried dough of pretty much any kind to help warm them up or something ... and they always feed us these things. The picture where I am holding the fried dough is with one of my favorite people, Magaly Bustos. These things are called Picarones (or something) ... pretty delicious.

Sea lions are really, really ugly in person. They are huge and terrifying. They can jump around really fast on their fin things ... I don't know. Cool but ugggggggly.

Every other week we have lunch with a family that is less active. The wife ... I don't know if she is going to come back any time soon, but they give us lunch ... so we visit them and we love them. They are really sweet, sweet people and they LOVE us (they want me to marry their son) ... but they always give us a LITERAL MOUNTAIN OF FOOD. If it isn't a huge thing of rice with a slab of meat, it is a huge, huge pile of mashed potatoes with meat. And salad. And bread. Oh my word, it is a challenge to finish every single time. This week, we ate at their house. I warned Hermana De León, "Prepare yourself for a big lunch today." She didn't believe me. To our surprise (well, actually, I wasn't surprised at all), Hermana Aldana pulled out a huge plate of papas. I just tried to shove it down as fast as I could. Luckily, this week, I didn't have to spend a few minutes breathing against the bathroom door to recover from the lunch ... I think my stomach is expanding ... but it was still difficult. When we were walking home, Hermana De León said, "Hermana Blau ... I am going to throw up." She didn't ... but that is the amount of food that people give us. It is an inhumane proportion. :)

So, the mission is still a little bit hard ... but not unbearable. I am learning more about the Atonement. I am reading the Book of Mormon again. I am studying Preach My Gospel. I am working to be better and better. It is such a wonderful growth that I am feeling right now. Heavenly Father is pushing me to the next level and now I am learning to enjoy it. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It has changed my life. It IS CHANGING my life. Every day, I have the choice to choose my attitude. I know that for some reason, I am where I am with who I am with. Now, with that attitude, I just have to continue in faith that it will all work out in the end. 

I love you SOOOO MUCH! I thought about you guys while I was praying this morning and I really missed you. But I know that what I am doing right now is the most important thing that I will ever do in my life ... so I am happy to be here. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful week!! :)

Love,

Hermana Blau

Week Twenty-Five: Sunday ALWAYS Comes

A really ugly picture of me and the rainbows that we see basically every day here in Frutillares. I don't know if it is because it is always off and on raining ... or maybe the sea ... but it is really gorgeous. With my jacket, I wear that jacket, a huge down coat underneat, and my rainskirt ... basically every day. It is crazy.
[Mom's Note: I thought this picture fit perfectly with the message of Laney's email this week ...}

Area: Fruitillares

Companion: Hermana De León

Dear, dear, dear, familia!!

Wow, English is a little unfamiliar! This week was the baptism by fire Spanish wise ... actually in every aspect it was the baptism by fire. Ahem ... let me expound.

Right now, I am with Hermana De León from Guatemala. It is actually her 22 birthday, so we are going to celebrate like nobody's business today. She is a gem and a half. A little bit quiet, but her humor is exactly like Savannah's, so we get along really, really well. She loves bold colors and playing soccer and English (so, basically, she is like a good ol' Latina haha). So far, I have LOVED being with a Latina. It has been soooo different, but not crazy hard. The thing is, I got super lazy with my Spanish when I was with Hermana Peterson because there wasn't really the necessity for me to speak. When I did speak, I stumbled over words and I didn't hear a single compliment about my Spanish (I am a little vain about my Spanish hahah). This week, my Spanish has just flown out the roof. It is still way difficult to communicate ... just because I lack in vocabulary, but it has been a pretty good transition. I love Hermana De León.

Hermana De León -- cutey patootie

This week has been the absolute hardest and most beautiful weeks of my mission. When we left the terminal and I gave my last hug to Hermana Peterson, I almost felt the weight of Frutillares slip on to me. And boy oh boy, the weight is HEAVY. I realized this week that I have never felt very responsible in the mission. So far it has just been ... wow, I am the new kid here ... I don't really know that much about being a missionary. But as soon as Hermana De León and I entered the bus in the pouring rain on the bus to Tomé, I felt the responisibility. We got home, I sat down in our study room ... and I started to cry. I cried for a good five minutes. Why? I was afraid, for one thing. I have never had a Latina companion. I was nervous to show the sector around. I was also scared out my mind for interaction with the drama prone members without Hermana Peterson. They loved her SOOOO MUCH. They loved her so much that it didn't really matter when we were in Executive Committee meetings and she said, "We're still looking for investigators!" Without her, I felt a little bit like I was drowning.

Hermana Blau and Hermana De León

We left to work on the first day. The plans that I had made were AWFUL. We walked and talked to a lot of people. We met some members. We didn't teach a single lesson. In every lesson, I could not feel the spirit because I was thinking about what we needed to do next and I was anxious as heck. As we walked, I tried to tell Hermana De León about the sector in a way that made it seem like paradise, but I knew that by the work we were doing, she would know that it has been a little bit of a struggle here. I remember thinking that it was really stupid that all of my companions so far have felt really pressured to be perfect in the first week of being together ... but now I know that those feelings are REAL. I felt like all of the pressure was on me. I had to make the plans on my own. I had to introduce Hermana to all of the drunk men on the street and to all of the members. I had to explain to her that we don't really have that big of a pool of investigators.

I cried the second day, too. I felt completely out of control. Of course, I didn't tell this to anyone else. I only cried in the time that Hermana De León was showering ... but I felt like the world's worst missionary. I had nightmares for the first time in my mission about coming home being a failure. I had crazy anxiety when we were in houses for more than fifteen minutes. It was crazy. I have never experienced that on my mission! It was something that I had to work through.

The good news is that this week we had a focus as a mission on the Atonement. I have never had to rely so much on the Savior in my life. I have never felt the need to repent for my shortcomings so much in my life. But as I studied about the Atonement and what Christ did for me, I began to apply it to my situation of the week. I didn't cry the third day. I told Heavenly Father, "You know what, I am doing the best that I can ... and I know that it isn't enough. Please, please, help me." From that moment, I felt an insane amount of tranquilidad. It washed over me. I still was a little anxious when we were in houses for a long amount of time (just enough to help us get out of there). I was still a little unfocused with planning. I still made mistakes ... but I realized that if I really did my best, Heavenly Father would make up the difference.

This peace kept growing and growing. I have been having a hard time loving the people of Frutillares ... but after this week, I think I have found true charity for all of them. I think that you have to shed a few tears for people before you can really start to love them like your family. I have been trying for so long to brace myself for some imaginary fall when it comes to attaching myself to people ... now that I have felt the fall, there are no barriers between me and loving these people.

We ended up having a lot of miracles happen this week. We went to this member family's house and baked cookies that we were going to share with their neighbors ... and found a sweet family that we are teaching now. We ran into members on the street that were willing to come with us to lessons with less-active members and our new converts. We asked references from everyone and we were able to find more news from that. My Spanish has really improved in a way that I can talk and joke with Hermana De León in a way that makes life enjoyable for her. I have felt the strengthening power of the atonement more in this week than in my entire life ... and really, it has been such a humbling and beautiful lesson.

A noche de hogar with the family of Melanny (the little girl ... she is a new convert).
Denisse, Justina, Melanny, (I don't remember her gma's name)

Hermana De León shared a talk with me this week called Sunday Always Comes by Joseph B. Wirthlin. Basically, in the talk he talks about how there will always be Fridays like the Friday of the Crucifixion (I don't know how to spell that anymore) ... basically like the entire week for me. But, he is quick to point out that SUNDAY ALWAYS COMES. This week, it wasn't Sunday that came for me ... it was Saturday. We met all of our goals. We taught a lot. I felt a little less of the pressure. I felt love. Suddenly ... I wasn't looking up from a bottomless hole. Things were managable. The rain wasn't pouring. There were rainbows. I know that Heavenly Father gives us exactly what we can handle. I know that He is shaping me into a better person and a better missionary. I needed to cry for the first couple days of this week ... it helped me to realize how awesome my life actually is. Now, I have learned that if I rely on the atonement, everything will end up working to my good. It is a good life lesson.

Feliz Cumpleaños, Hermana De León!

Anyways, a sweet story from this week ... We were in a neighborhood contacting a couple of references that we had when we came into contact with this Evangelical man that I have talked to before. He really was not interested at all in our message, but Hermana De León is a perfect excuse to talk to people again and to give them a second chance. Basically, he gave his same shpeel about being a member of the Ejercito Evangelico de Chile ... blahblahblah. He stopped talking suddenly and just looked at me. Uhhhhh, weird. He started talking again, "You know what ... you look like a disciple of Christ. His image is in your countanance. I am happy that you are trying to go about doing his work ... even if we think about his work a little differently." I was soooo touched by his comment. I am trying really hard to be an example of Christ ... but sometimes I feel like I fall soooo short. I was happy to hear this ... even if it was from a random man on the street.

Anways, I hope that this was a better letter for you guys! Have a wonderful, wonderful week. I am praying for you every day!!! LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!!

Love, Hermana Blau

In Concé today! :) It is super fun to go to the office ... because we can talk to the old couple missionaries and we get to see all of our friends. I love being closer to Concepción.

november 20

I am grateful for SPANISH.

Yesterday, Sister Eyring (daughter in law of Henry B. Eyring) gave a faaaaaaaabulous devotional about life in general. It was about the decisions that we are making now and how Heavenly Father is anxious to help us make these decisions. Seriously, this was one of the best devotionals of the semester. Anyways, in her devotional, she talked about deciding a major. I really loved the story that she related, so I'll just post it here.

"Because of his great love for science, Henry Eyring [Henry B. Eyring's father] encouraged each of his sons to major in physics as preparation for a career in science. It was while Hal was studying physics at the University of Utah that an exchange with his father marked one of those defining influences. He asked his father for help with a complex mathematical problem. “My father was at a blackboard we kept in the basement,” Elder Eyring recalls. “Suddenly he stopped. ‘Hal,’ he said, ‘we were working this same kind of problem a week ago. You don’t seem to understand it any better now than you did then. Haven’t you been working on it?’”

A little chagrined, Hal admitted he had not. “You don’t understand,” his father went on. “When you walk down the street, when you’re in the shower, when you don’t have to be thinking about anything else, isn’t this what you think about?”

“When I told him no,” Elder Eyring concludes, “my father paused. It was really a very tender and poignant moment, because I knew how much he loved me and how much he wanted me to be a scientist. Then he said, ‘Hal, I think you’d better get out of physics. You ought to find something that you love so much that when you don’t have to think about anything, that’s what you think about.’”

I have found this in Spanish. I think about Spanish constantly. When I am sleeping, I try to translate my thoughts into Spanish. When I pray, I usually end in, "En el nombre de tu hijo Jesucristo, Amen." I work really hard to get good grades in my Spanish class. I am way super excited to go to Chile so that I can be immersed in the language (almost as much as I am to be a missionary). I am so grateful that I have found my passion and that it is something that I can actually do. Love it!

november 12

I am grateful for TECHNOLOGY.

I think I should take a step back and mention that I am not a huge advocate for using technology all the time. In fact, sometimes the new things that are being developed for the technological world scare me to no end. However, I am soooo grateful for technology because it helps me to stay connected with my friends and family. With text and email and Facebook being so convenient, it makes it really, really easy to connect with others that I might have lost contact with.

For example, yesterday I got two emails from missionary friends of mine (Heath and Jess). I love them both! It made me so happy to hear for them. Heath is finally in Argentina, but he had a hard, hard week. It is heartbreaking to read about, but it was nice to hear that he was alive and learning. Jess had an amazing week! She's only a couple of hours away from me ... which is bizarre to think about. I am grateful that technology can take a distance of a few hundred miles (or a few thousand miles) and make the gap so tiny that I can feel every triumph and cry for every frustration and setback. I'm going to be on a mission in just a few weeks! AHHHHHHHH! I'll be experiencing this stuff, too! I seriously can't wait.

I am grateful for technology because it makes finding information so much easier! I am currently making some delicious Pastel de Choclo for Spanish class (like, right as I'm typing it's in the oven). In the ancient days, I am not even sure what I would do to find that recipe. I guess I'd look in a library for a Latino cookbook? But now, I just typed in Pastel de Choclo on Google and more than a million results popped up. How incredible is that? I wonder how people of even a century ago would respond to this increase of information and networking.

I am also grateful for technology because it made changing my major incredibly easy. Yesterday, I sauntered into the Language and Letters office and said, "I'd like to change my major to Spanish education." In a few clicks, my major was changed and my minor was declared. I headed over to the library, and, with a few hundred more clicks, I changed my grad plan. I haaaaaate, hate, hate doing that kind of stuff. When I made my grad plan for Elementary Education, I basically followed the sheet exactly and planned out my classes. However, this time, I had to consider when I would be testing out of Spanish classes (because I will be fluent in just a year and a half) and when I would put certain classes together. It stressed me out ... just a little bit. But as I was doing it, I realized how much easier it was for me to accomplish than it would be without technology. Awesome. I also felt so good about it as I walked away from the library.

Because of technology, there are things called Mormon Messages that you can watch from the comfort of your own home. My dad shared one with me a couple of days ago that I really loved.

This video was PERFECT for my whole "changing my major" situation. I really did pray about being an Elementary Education major. I felt good. So good that I had a burning feeling in my chest testifying to me that this was an acceptable path. However, when I started down the road, I didn't feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of the spirit. Instead, I felt confused. I didn't really like my Education class that I was taking, and I realized that I didn't like the idea of taking all of the classes required for the major. Elementary Education isn't something that people go into for all of the money that you make ... it is something that requires love. And I just wasn't feeling that love. I am so grateful, though, that Heavenly Father allowed me to go down the WRONG path, to be sure that I was on the RIGHT path. I know that I needed to be a Spanish teacher all along. It is something that I love and am interested in. I can't shut up about it because I am so excited.

Life is really awesome when you notice all of the wonderful things in it.

so, life plan change

I've been thinking about changing my major. A lot. I really like the idea of teaching little kids, but I don't really like the idea of going into Elementary Education ... So, I've been thinking and praying about it. Like I mentioned before, I have sooo many interests. It is way hard for me to make decisions, especially when it comes to the major things of life. Today, it kind of just came together. I was talking to a new friend that got her call to Chile and she was talking about her fear of losing the language after she got home. I agreed ... I don't want to become fluent and then just have it be for nothing. I want to speak the language that I already love for the rest of my life.

So, I think I'm going to be majoring in Spanish Education ... and minoring in English Education. Does it sound like a good plan? I think it really, really is right. I prayed about it and felt super good. I mean, I have until after my mission to really hunker down ... but I think that is what I am going to do. It's funny, because I think this is almost exactly the same thing my dad did (except he had english ed as his major and spanish ed as his minor). I am following in his footsteps.

In between writing this post and being kind of excited for this change, I mapped out what my potential grad plan would be with Spanish Ed ... it is soooo perfect! When I was sitting down to do my El Ed plan, I just didn't feel really wonderful about it. But I feel so good about this. I don't know. It's kind of an impulsive decision. But I feel good. Yeah ... random blurb.

I CAN'T GET OVER HOW PERFECT THIS FITS!!

I love this. I love this. I am passionate about Spanish. I am passionate about teaching. I am passionate about English. I am so in love with this life plan. I am sooooo in love with it! Yes. Heavenly Father does answer prayers in his own time and in his own way!

puedo hablar español

This is not a grateful post ... actually, kind of ... it is. Anyways, something momentous happened today. Spanish clicked a little bit more in my mind. Up until this moment, I have feet a little bit wary of speaking Spanish. It was difficult for me to go back and forth between Spanish and English translations in my head AND THEN to speak it. At times it is hard for me to even speak in English! Anyways, you get the picture.

I have been going to Spanish tutoring twice a week and then going to the Spanish Speaking Lab once a week for a while. The speaking part has ALWAYS been my struggle! I leave the tutoring center and the Speaking Lab wanting to cry because I am so discouraged about my progress. I really have the desire to be fluent in Spanish. I am absolutely determined, and when I don't measure up, I am really hard on myself.

Today, however, I went into tutoring without any grammar principle to talk about. My amazing, amazing tutor, Jeff, taught me a bit about the principles that we are going to be going over in the next chapter for class and then I practiced speaking for the rest of the time. It took me a while to get my Spanish brain on, but when it was on ... it was on.

Suddenly, I just was able to say what I was thinking. It wasn't embarrassing for me when I didn't know a word. It wasn't even close to being a terrifying and discouraging event. Instead, I could speak. I felt my tongue loosened. Holy cow it was an incredible feeling. I know that I am going to have language issues in Chile and Mexico ... I have already accepted that! I know it is going to be hard. But I have already progressed SOOOO much from where I was at the beginning of the semester when I was afraid to even say, "me llamo ...". Isn't that amazing?? Heavenly Father has been helping me soooo much! I am super grateful for that! Puedo hacer todas cosas!

november 6

I am grateful for MY MISSION CALL.

Something happened yesterday ... I don't know what it was. It was just a normal day with a few wonderful things sprinkled in. But when I was in bed thinking about what I was grateful for, the list just wouldn't stop. I kept thinking of more and more things that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. My Spanish tutors, my speaking abilities, getting my homework done before today, having the scriptures to read, Heath Tenney being in Argentina, my call to Chile, the snow ... seriously, the list went ON and ON.

I woke up this morning excited to be alive.

I think I like this challenge.

Anyways, I decided to narrow down my list to just one thing today ... and the lucky winner was my mission call! I am sooooo grateful that I have it. When I am not feeling well or motivated or (insert negative emotion here) I just remember that I am going to be a missionary and that I can do ALL THINGS! It also has helped me to avoid emotional crisis with the boys here. It really has been a protection for me and a goal. This has been such a wonderful blessing in my life!

I am so excited to get to Chile and fully immerse myself in the Spanish there. I am excited to fully love the people that I get to know. When I think of Chile, I am reminded of how good Heavenly Father has been to me. I am glaad that I get to turn my life over to him for a few short months ... I know that he can make it better than anything I can ever imagine. And for that, I am grateful.

on weakness

I'm super sorry for not blogging more. Really, there is no excuse. I have just made it less of a priority. This is super bad, because I want to remember the blessings that I've been receiving here at BYUI. I want to remember the random experiences that aren't going to last with me forever.

Anyways, this week was awesome. (Every week has been awesome). It all culminated with one awesome weekend of General Conference. For the first session, I went up with Mara and her two brothers (Myles and Christian) and had a super fun time. It hardly seems like it was real life. We woke up and left Rexburg at four, went to the morning session, and then were home by 6. What the random? Anyways, that session was AMAZING. I felt the spirit super strongly and got answers to a ton of questions that I had written down in my journal. Heavenly Father is really an incredible person. He knows me exactly and knows what I need.

This was seen in my life today especially. General Conference was great yesterday ... today was even more marvelous. I just left the morning session feeling like all was well. I am soooo grateful for the knowledge that I have that the true gospel of Jesus Christ is on the earth today. It affects the way I do everything. I am nowhere NEAR perfect; in fact, I'm sometimes incredibly awkward and not thoughtful and impatient. However, during conference, I felt like I knew exactly what I needed to change in my life in order to begin to fix these things. I felt the spirit like crazy. I was super, super fired up to live the things I learned and to pound out these last few weeks before the mish (what I've been calling my mission). I felt confident that I had the tools I needed to succeed, especially if I trusted in the Lord.

And then I looked at I-Learn. And I saw my Spanish Oral exam.

I studied for HOURS for this thing. HOURS. I felt really great leaving the exam, but I got a little bit of a lower score than I wanted to. When I looked at I-Learn, my spirits sunk. Thoughts like, "Man, I am never going to be able to teach effectively if I am struggling with planned conversations ..." and "Wow, I guess Spanish isn't my thing ..." flooded through my mind. I was overwhelmed. I was sad. I felt like crying my eyes out.

I felt better as I talked to my parents on Google Hangout. I sure do love them and miss their support. While I was talking to them, I realized that any mistakes I made on that test were because I didn't prepare enough for the exam. I remembered that I hadn't read the Book of Mormon in Spanish hardly at all last week, nor did I pray as hard to learn the language. I guess my results from the previous exam I had (a 100 percent) really fluffed up my pride ... and unfortunately, I totally fell for it!

After I hung up with my parents, I made a mug of herbal tea and opened up the Spanish Book of Mormon I had. I picked up where I left off (2 Nephi 26) and began reading. I read the Spanish out loud, and, although I understood nothing from it, I felt a little better about my life. A quiet peace replaced my despair--the Holy Ghost. One of the verses that I read out loud made me bawl, and I didn't know why. After all, I didn't understand a lick of it! I looked up the verse in my English Book of Mormon and it said:

For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith.

I felt that this answered my fears and insecurities perfectly. Heavenly Father can take me, a total GRINGA, and shape me into this fluent Spanish speaker. He can ONLY do it through my faith though. It is all up to me. Verses in the Spanish Book of Mormon continued to pop out to me as I continued to read. Each one of them applied to me personally. It was INCREDIBLE.

My friend John Bonney wrote me a letter this week (he's serving in Belgium right now). In it, he suggested something that I've been thinking about over and over again for the past couple of days. His advice to me was, "Pray like everything depends on Him; work like everything depends on you."  The Lord is aware of our needs. He knows what we need and he wants us to be happy. He wants us to have his peace continuously, but we have to be willing to turn to him, rely on him, and work like crazy. That is the only way that he can help us live up to our full potential.

I think that there are times in my life like the one I had earlier today for a reason. Heavenly Father has said that he gives us weaknesses so that we can be humble. That is SO TRUE. I am grateful for these humbling experiences. They never fail to provoke me to some kind of positive action. Today, I am going to rely on the Lord ... and read a few more chapters of El Libro de Mormón.

i swear ... i'm not crazy

The good days have been rolling in. I can't tell if it's because my eyes have been opened to the blessings in my life or if it's still from my call ... it's probably a healthy mixture of both. I really love my life.

It was the first day of school for the Waynesville School District ... all of the kids left the house ... that being said, I had a really productive day! I got three awesome mission things and one super gross thing checked off my to-do list.

1. Like I've mentioned before, I dropped out of my Chinese class the hour I got my mission call. I was really hoping to be able to get into the highest level Spanish class that I could, but every single class had prerequisites that I couldn't meet. I had my dad call the Language and Letters office of BYUI to see what I could do to get out of these classes. It turns out that it was as easy as taking a free placement test online and then discussing further options. I took the placement test and I really surprised myself at how much I knew. I've been praying to have my mind be receptive to the Spanish language. I have also been reading and listening to the Book of Mormon in Spanish. I listen to Spanish hymns in my free time. I guess I'm just really anxious to understand everything I can. 

So, I took the test ... not super confident in my ability ... and I qualified to CLEP out of Spanish 101 and 102! I was pretty stinking excited. However, the class for Spanish 201 looked absolutely terrifying, especially considering the fact that I have only had 2 years of online Spanish for preparation. So, I decided to get into Spanish 102 ... in a class that is during the exact time my Chinese class would have been and for the same amount of credits. Increíble! Also, it turns out that I don't even have to take a CLEP test for the class. Instead, I get to take vertical credit, which basically means that if I receive a good grade at the end of the semester, I will be able to pay for the credits I skipped and earn that class as well. It's the perfect situation for me! I am so happy that it worked out so that I'll be able to speak a lot of Spanish before I get to the MTC.

2. I wrote my mission call acceptance letter. This is basically a note that tells the First Presidency and the Twelve Apostles that I accept the call to serve wherever I am called to go. It was such a sweet experience to write my letter. I looked back on what had led me to go on a mission and I felt a ton of gratitude and peace. It's nice to know that you are being guided by Heavenly Father ... even when you don't know it. I am so grateful that Thomas S. Monson lowered the age at which missionaries can serve. I am so grateful that the Brethren knew exactly where to put me. I am grateful for that every hour. I really have so much that I have yet to learn. I don't know Spanish ... I'm still not a very good teacher ... I wrote in my sample acceptance letter that, "I will work harder than I know I can -- with Jesus Christ, it is possible." I really will work hard in these months I have to prepare.

3. I made these SUPER cute missionary announcement cards. The template can be found here. They are simply darling, and will be EVEN CUTER when I can put pictures on them and mail them out. Oh, and when I find a good color for the last line of my super long MTC address.

I was a pretty busy bee today. I found time to finally track down the last of my scholarships, wait for Minsy at the bus stop ... and I even found the time to clean out our super yucky downstairs bathroom. This bathroom isn't actually that bad ... it's just that all of the lights blew out a couple of months ago and nobody could see how truly dirty it was. It was just in darkness and not a pleasant place. I won't go into detail about what I felt bound to do, but after I screwed in new lightbulbs to the fixture, the room was totally lit up. It almost looked "usable" according to my mom. With the light came a total realization of how stinking dirty it was. Everything was dusty and dirty and DISGUSTING. I was a little discouraged by the sight, but as I began wiping away the scum, it was totally easy to wash away. After I was done cleaning, it was like a totally new bathroom.

I might be going a little loco (I am starting to hear these random Spanish phrases in my head that I cannot comprehend ... I also cannot stop them from bubbling up in my brain. I'm losing my mind), but I guess that this dirty bathroom is kind of like the Atonement. Haha, that was such a weird sentence. We may not recognize how unclean we are when we don't know about the Gospel (the light), but when it turns on, we can totally see every mistake. It's a little scary to change and to clean up our lives through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but when we do it, it's like we're not even the same person anymore. We are totally clean.

Yeah, I'm going insane. Here's a video for you.