graduation

We've already established that I'm a bad blogger, so I won't mope and moan about it for a whole paragraph. I would be doing my posterity a big wrong if I didn't document the most amazing and long non-spiritual day of my life. There have been other days in my life that have topped it, but none that were strictly secular experiences.

The day of graduation was INCREDIBLE. I think it might have been one of my favorite days of high school (which is pretty sad). I still had to wake up early for seminary, but it was just a matter of habit. The last day of seminary was awesome. I can't remember exactly what we did, but that is a pretty accurate description of my entire seminary experience. I can't remember very many distinct lessons, but the spirit I felt there EVERY MORNING was undeniable. It was definitely worth the sacrifice of waking up early.

This was our awesome seminary class. I loved seeing their beautiful faces every morning.

After seminary, I leisurely drove to the high school so that I could pick up my cap and gown. This was kind of a surreal experience. It was actually the first time that graduating seemed real. In fact, it still hasn't really sunk in that I am graduated. I just don't feel like a college student yet. I hope that will change in the future. I'm learning to savor transition, but I like being settled, too.

Waynesville, sometime long ago, decided that it would be a good idea to have men graduates wear black ... and to have women graduates wear pumpkin orange. I was kind of sad about that, but really, I was happy to be finally graduating that those kind of things didn't matter to me. I picked up my little packet (plus a tassel from NHS) and tried it on for size. Yeaaaaaaah, I can deal with this. I liked being a graduate. With those robes on, I truly felt like I had accomplished something spectacular. It felt awesome.

We promptly left the auditorium where we received our caps and gowns and went to the gym for Passing of the Torch. Passing of the Torch is a sweet little ceremony where the seniors sit on the floor of the gym and then all of the other classes take their places in the next chair position up. It is a little award ceremony where departmental awards and A+ scholarships and other things are awarded (like teacher of the year). I usually look forward to these things, especially when I am unaware of the gun threats that "occur" almost every year. Something crazy is always going down at these things. Three years ago, there was a fight and our school cop had to jump the railing. One year ago, the entire school sang We Are Young by Fun. This year, I totally could have cared less about what was going on around me. I was just really into the moment.

I sat up with the other valedictorians of my class (did I mention there were thirteen of us?) and I just looked and looked around me. This was the gym where I worked so hard to stay physically fit (har har) throughout the years. This was my school that I was about to leave for-hopefully-ever. It was bitter-sweet ... I'm just kidding, it was totally sweet. I am so grateful for high school, but I am so grateful to be moving on with my life.

I won a few awards, which I am super proud of. I'm actually more proud of these awards than I am of any of the scholarships that I won. I am more proud of them than the fact that I was voted most likely to succeed by my classmates. There is something special about being recognized for all of the hard work you do. I always enjoyed receiving awards in elementary school ... I guess that enjoyment carried on into high school.

I first received the English award from Mr. Ward (my senior English Literature teacher). It may not look like it on my blog, but I love English with all of my heart. I love learning the history of English and reading and writing ... the whole she-bang. This year, I worked really hard on learning things for me. This really paid off in English. I went from being a super passionate student with little interest in learning and a lot of interest in earning the grade to being a super passionate student with an interest in learning and accepting whatever grade came because of that. There were a lot of challenges to that attitude this year, but it was such a great experience. For that award, I got a nice card from Mr. Ward, a medal, and Republic by Plato.

Next, I received the Journalism award (also awarded by Mr. Ward, but given by my journalism teacher, Mr. Tucker). I was Editor-in-Chief of the newspaper this year and it was such an interesting responsibility. For the first semester, I had the hardest time delegating responsibilities and letting other people help me. It was such a hard semester. I was putting in hours of extra-curricular work by myself and I just felt like I was on my own. Sattaporn and Savannah jumped on board next semester, specifically because I mentioned that I would really like people to be in the class with me that liked me. I eased up and let others help me and show their competency. I delegated tasks to others. The second semester was still hard, but it was so much more enjoyable! I really have learned a lot about life from journalism. It was a perfect outlet for writing and creativity; I plan to continue with journalism through college.

Like my English award, I got a medal for Journalism. I also got a gift bag that was filled to the brim with sentimental things. The only time I cried during graduation day was while I was sorting through that bag. Inside was a journal and a copy of All the President's Men (a book about Watergate that I had been asking to borrow from Mr. Tucker for ages) and a copy of the movie (which I LOVED). There was also a journalist's notepad and a note from Mr. Tucker. He has been such a mentor in my high school education. I had him as a freshman English teacher, as a Shakespeare teacher, A+ tutor sponsor, and then as a journalism adviser, but he has been so much more. He infuriated me because he told me that my standard of excellence wasn't good enough as a freshman, but he pushed me to become a fantastic writer. He listened to me when I was frustrated and listened when I just needed to cry and let it all out (true story, I broke down in front of him sophomore year). Mr. Tucker was such a motivator for me and his support and encouragement continues to help me.

Just as soon as I finished bawling, I got called up for an award that I totally was not expecting. I was honored to receive the History award ... and I'm not exaggerating when I say honored. When I was a freshman and sophomore, I hated going to my history classes. I didn't feel challenged ... I felt like we were trying to be taught specifically so we could pass the standardized test that we had to pass at the end of the year. Now that I think about it, that has been my experience EVERY year except for this year. This year, I took super challenging AP courses for history (Political Science and US History). It was kind of scary, because I knew that the workload was going to be intense if I wanted to do well on the test. I'm not going to lie, it was intense. I read over 1,500 pages worth of textbooks, churned out 20-30 pages of material every few weeks, and studied non-stop. As I invested that time in the classes, I grew to LOVE history. I became more and more self-motivated and more and more interested in the subject. My teachers were so supportive of me and they helped me believe that I could do well on the AP tests and in the future. It was a full 180 switch in my experience. I was really excited that my teachers recognized the effort that I put into these classes and were willing to put my name up in front of the whole school.

Minsy and I after Passing of the Torch.

Passing of the Torch was over sooner than I would have liked to believe and we were shuffled outside to head down to the football field for outdoor graduation practice. This was just a glorified run through of what we were going to be doing for tomorrow. Dylan (another valedictorian) and I announced a special element ofour valedictorian speech to the class. We picked up tickets. Then the general class was released to go paaaaartay until we were to meet at 6 at the school. The valedictorians stayed behind for an hour or two to practice our speech, which ended up being a very good thing. We had struggled for so long to write the speech that there was very little time for us to practice. Thank goodness Mr. Ward and his wife were willing to help us. I definitely direct all of the credit to them.

After our practice, I went home to chill with the fam before graduation. I love my family, and I love that my Aunt Laurenda and my little cousins were willing to come down for the graduation (even though my aunt was 8 months pregnant at that time). I was horribly sunburnt from the practice graduation and a little tired, but I made it a point to hang out with all of my family a little bit before I left for graduation. Leaving for graduation was just like leaving for any other event (except I was a little more dressed up). It was finally time.

It was fun to see all of my friends dressed up in their graduation gowns. In about three hours, I realized that I would probably never see the majority of them again. It was sad ... (and this time I'm being sincere). There were a lot of people that I grew to care for during the past year that I would never see. There were life long friends that I would never see. We were all starting different chapters to our lives. Somehow, I knew that it would be a-ok, but it was still difficult to come to terms with.

We were loaded on to buses and shipped over to the middle school. Ah, the hall of higher learning that I struggled so badly in. I felt triumph as I walked through these halls to the very front of the line. As silly as that sounds, it is true. Look at me, I thought as I walked towards the rest of the valedictorians, I got through this place and am now on a fast track to success. Haaaaahaa! While in line, the valedictorians got yet another medal. I practiced shaking hands and receiving my diploma from my dad. We took a picture outside of all of the valedictorians ...

And then the graduation march started. Oh, what a wonderful sound. I had a lot of thoughts as I walked, many of which were completely sentimental. I sat down and waited for the rest of the class to be seated (which took forever ... I empathize with the band). After a few remarks from Mrs. Blackburn, our school district's superintendent, the valedictorians were recognized and brought up on the stage for our speech.

Like I mentioned before, getting our speech to be right was such a struggle. It is super hard to coordinate thirteen different speeches to flow coherently. Our theme was number, simply because we spent thirteen years in school, had thirteen valedictorians, and were graduating in 2013. The theme was clever, and with Mr. Ward and his wife's excellent advise and help, we had a pretty solid speech. The number that I was assigned was 1. I was the LAST speaker, which I thought was pretty stinking awesome. As I waited for my turn, I just observed my class. There were moments during the speech when everyone was laughing ... there were also moments when everyone was bawling. It was perfect. I'm not sure how my speech went, but for posterity, here are the words:

And, finally we are ONE. Each of the 400 members of this class is a different individual. Due to our close connection to the military, we call different places home. We experience different friendships and interactions with others on a daily basis. We are devoted to different interests and extracurricular activities. Our plans for the future vary. We are so uniquely different, yet we are remarkably the same. We experience the joy that comes with acing a test and the heartache that inevitably follows suffering and loss. We know the appeal of going to Walmart when there is nothing else to do. We also know what it takes to wake ourselves up and get ready for school, despite the comfort and warmth of our own beds. We grew as one student body this year under the watchful eyes of God. This is only one day, but it is a significant day. It is our last day of being together as Waynesville Tigers. After today, our paths will differ; however, we will always consider ourselves lucky to be connected through what we have accomplished by graduating tonight. Although we are many, we are one. We are the Class of 2013.

After saying "We are the Class of 2013," the entire class shouted it in unison. It was a pretty sweet moment.
I sat back down ...  and then I was the first person of the class of 2013 to graduate.

I didn't mess up the handshake. I gave my dad a huge hug. I took my picture. I sat back down. And then the four hour wait began ... as every single member of my class went up to get their diploma, I was amazed to see how many people I didn't know. I was also amazed to see how many people I did know. I don't think I was very popular in school, but I did try to get to know people and to be nice to everyone ... and I guess I never realized that these friendly hello's in the hallway or small conversations were actually creating friendships that I cherished.

After the ceremony was said and done, I went out onto the football field and greeted my friends and family that had come to see me. So many people showed up that I had grown to love throughout my schooling. I am so grateful for these relationships that I made. I think, really, that these relationships are the crowning achievement of my high school experience. These were more important to me than any award or recognition I received.

So, I graduated. I still don't feel like a gradutate, but life has been just dandy. Soon, I will begin college ... I don't really know what to expect, but if it is even a little bit better than high school, I know that I will have an awesome time. I am so excited to see how the Lord will continue to bless and direct my life!

hey, world, hey

I have been the worst blogger in the whole wide world.

Imagine your computer screen is actually my face and throw tomatoes at it. Never read my blog again because you are so offended that I stink at updating you on my life.

Or keep reading. It's whatever your heart desires.

Personally, I would keep reading for a couple of reasons.

1) INSPIRATION -- I have been getting a lot of spiritual whispering coming my way lately. It's been about a LOT of general things, which has been awesome. I love having the spirit as a companion in my life ALWAYS. One thing that has really been sticking out to me, however, is the great potential my blog has to uplift and inspire others (Mormon or not). I don't really think that the things I write are that earth shattering, but there is ONE thing that I know for absolutely certain: when inspiration comes from Heavenly Father, following it can bring so much strength and power from no where. So, I'm not sure about my ability to lift and inspire others. Maybe the things I vomit on to this blog will turn out to be wonderful ...

2) I AM SO BEHIND -- Part of the reason I have been slaaaaaacking can be found in my blogger que. I have so many blog posts that I have started writing. Just a few of the things that I owe my lovely readers are as follows: Senior trip, graduation, EFY, my stint as an au pair, Project grad, scholarships, college craziness. Yeah ... I have a lot. Updating y'all will take time. I wouldn't expect a flood of posts in the next few days ... After this month, my life will become significantly less busy as I wait for the super late beginning to my semester at BYUI.

3) EXCITING THINGS ARE HAPPENING IN MY LIFE -- If you're not too into the religious, inspirational side of the blogiverse, never fear! I kid you not when I say that my life is about to be incredibly awesome. CORRECTION. My life already is super awesome. I have been busy, busy, busy these past couple of weeks. But the future looks incredibly sunny. I just hammered out my schedule for college in the fall (I'm SO stoked). My family is going on a 50 mile hike next week (I'm SO stoked). I'm putting in my papers for my mission in almost a month (I AM BEYOND STOKED!). If you couldn't tell, I am pretty excited about how my life is panning out. Tune in to watch the saga continue.

I promise (with extra delicious cookies attached) that I am alive and well. This post is the revival of a wonderful habit. So, just to whet your appetite (and to get me into the swing of real blogging again), here are a few pics of the fun things I've been up to.

I was one of the thirteen valedictorians in my class. I thought that was pretty sweet.

And then I actually graduated ... and my dad handed me my diploma ... and I realized  that I would never have to attend high school again. That was REALLY sweet.

My lovely parents have been supportive through it all! I am super grateful for their guidance and their general greatness.

This picture happened a couple of weeks ago. I went to my very last EFY and it was kind of bittersweet. Something that was really, really cool about EFY this year: my sister, brother and I all got to attend.

Are you satisfied? Are the tomatoes back on the kitchen counter?

Good. More is coming.

ebb and flow

I've noticed a lot of teenagers have trouble finding reasons to be happy and stay happy. They tend to find reasons to be insecure about themselves and their relationships with others. They live too much in the future and the past and forget to live in the present. They fail to see beauty in the little hamster-wheel that exists as their current life. I'll admit that I am not always incredibly peppy. There are weeks when I feel super unmotivated. Some days, I like to listen to sad, nostalgic music and think about all of the things I desire for my future and the things that haven't gone the way they've planned.

But I choose to be happy.

Today was weird -- and not in a bad way. In fact, it was in an incredibly good way! I just found myself thinking (sometimes with tears in my eyes ... I am getting a little tired again) about how everything in my life is much different then what I would have anticipated it to be a few years ago. It is SO MUCH BETTER. And yet I feel like I get trapped in a position where I can't find anything to be grateful for. I have pretty much the same routine every week and I hardly go out and have a great "night on the town" (or whatever the cool kids do these days).

But I choose to be happy.

I spent the day thinking about the past two semesters. I could not believe that in just two short months ... I'll be graduating. I'm a SENIOR. Who will I miss? What will I miss? It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been so anxious to leave Waynesville, Missouri that I think I've forgotten what's really beautiful about my life. I drove home with the windows rolled down and I saw the endless blue sky over the kind of Ozark mountains and I felt incredibly in tune with my own thoughts. The past few months have been turbulent.

But I choose to be happy.

A few of my super close friends are always fluctuating between heartbreaking drama and extreme bliss. Sometimes, when these said friends are incredibly happy, I wonder why I don't have these swings back and forth. Is there something wrong with consistent happiness? I see their daily ebb and flow with increasing bewilderment and I wonder what on earth gives them the motivation to keep swinging forward. I feel pity for these emotions, but I don't let them affect me.

I choose to be happy.

I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the guidance it gives me. So many things in my life are changing right now. I have a totally different set of close friends then I did a month ago. I have scholarships to fill out. I have to survive through the last bit of high school. But I have felt the love of the Savior as I have continued a habit of personal scripture study. As I was driving home from school today ... while I was thinking about the wonderful state of constant bliss I live in, I realized the evolving nature of things. I don't know why that revelation came as a surprise to me, but it did. I realized that the days that I am happy and the days that I am sad depend entirely on my attitude. Others around me may be discontent with their lots; others around me might not have eyes to see the little things that make life wonderful; others may not have the same faith that everything will work to their advantage.

Things may happen in my life that are hard. Things have happened in my life that have been hard. Heartbreak and suffering and anguish are bound to be part of the human experience. I really don't know what lies ahead for me. I know that there are great things in store, if I can maintain a cheery outlook and optimistic attitude about life. Storms may arise.

But I choose to be happy.

why my friends are slightly chilly AKA flipping cool

The story of today began a little more than a week ago, but I don't want to go into my personal feelings and whatnot so ...

the story of my day began at 3 o'clock in the morning. I woke up in a cold sweat because I had had an unusually vivid dream. I can't remember what the dream was, but I know that in it, my day stunk. I threw on a pair of sweats and a form-fitting shirt in anticipation and left for seminary. It was a pretty typical morning.

I couldn't focus through seminary because I was anticipating a few things throughout the school day. I couldn't focus as I was driving to school. A depressing Regina Spektor song (it's an oxymoron, I know) was running through my head as I hopped out of my car. Usually, my sister accompanies me to school, but today was her birthday, so she skipped and I walked in alone.

Chipper.

The intercom rang in first hour and a voice asked for me to come down to the office with my keys. I thought that my dad might have wanted to take The Green Rocket to the shop (because The Green Rocket is practically falling apart). The hallways were super sunny and I felt hopeful. That kind of died when Officer Lopez told me I had left my lights on. My stomach sunk because I knew that if I had left my lights on for even five minutes, my battery would be dead.

I tried to start it, and, of course, it didn't work. But I had scholar bowl today, so I knew that one of my friends would be able to help me ... right?

With that in mind, I wasn't too worried. I felt like an idiot for leaving my lights on, but I was confident that it would be okay. Somehow, I was going to make it home.

At the beginning of journalism, I asked my friend, Kyle, if he had any jumper cables. Luckily, he thought he did, and I felt better immediately. The end of the school day came and went (I love that part of school) and I checked with Kyle to make sure he'd be able to jump my car. He was staying for French Club (if I wasn't so dedicated to Scholar Bowl, I probably would have stayed for it too. They were watching DESPICABLE ME! IN FRENCH!) for the first part of the night, but he said that he would find me at the end of Scholar Bowl.

Scholar Bowl was super fun, as always. My team rebounded from losing 10-50 to winning 150-110. We have class. At the end, a bunch of hooligans, my friends, came sauntering in. "How was the movie?" I asked. Kyle said that they hadn't gotten to watch the movie because he had to go home. Why would he ever miss out on Despicable Me? To get jumper cables for my car. He got three thousand cool points in record time.

The end of Scholar Bowl came and went (that is my least favorite part) and I was ready to be home. Today was average at best, and I felt a little sniffly and sentimental. And that Regina Spektor song was still playing in my head! Kyle, Tristan, and Ethan were gunna help me out, and I was so appreciative. We started to head outside ... and it was raining.

Not just the warm kind of rain that you can go out and dance in. This was give you hypothermia and kill you rain. With a slight breeze. Tristan and I forgot to bring jackets today because it has been so warm, so we were freezing and dripping wet. After popping my hood, I patiently waited for the guys to take over. Since The Green Rocket is such a stinky car, I'm pretty skilled at jumping things, but I wanted to see what would happen.

First, we couldn't get the hood to Kyle's truck to open. Kyle has been driving for a grand total of three days, so there wasn't much help experience wise. My Advanced Composition teacher and her husband pulled up and offered to help instead. (Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Scott)! As a bystander, it was awesome to watch them work it out. It was so awesome that I didn't even care that someone came up and asked what color my car was. It was so awesome that I didn't mind the pouring rain. I was super impressed and super cold and my hair was dripping wet.

After, we went out for hot chocolate.

It was an adventurous day ... and it turns out my dream wasn't prophecy (I guess my dreams of becoming an oracle are ruined). Even though everything went wrong, my day was actually pretty great. As I drove home in the rain, the Regina Spektor played through my head, "Samson, get back to bed ..." and that's where I am. Toasty warm and content.

come what may

I'm sorry it's been a little quiet here. I've just been getting back into a routine because now I have responisibities and homework and yadadada. I thought that since school just started , and because beginning to feel like fall, and because BYU is playing football again, I would catch y'all up on what's going on in Laney Land.

Probably the biggest question that EVERYONE has been asking me is, "How is going back to school?"

The answer is tricky, but also incredibly simple. I love school, and I love that I decided to stay at home another year. I feel like my decision was inspired and so, now, I am totally okay with my choice. Before I actually went to school, I wasn't so sure. I thought about just skipping town and heading off to college/adventure in Rexburg. Or maybe staying half a semester and then graduating. When people asked me if I was looking forward to returning, I would say, "Not at all," because to me, going back was sealing the deal that said you're going to cry all year and have no fun whatsoever. Since I have been in school for a couple of weeks, I have found the opposite to be true.

My classes are incredibly hard, but my teachers believe in me and won't let me fail.
My time is completely gone, but I still find time to snuggle with the babies and play the ukulele.
I meet new people that rely on my friendship every day.
So far I've only had one meltdown ...

It's been a good experience! There aren't many things that I feel like I am missing out on, and I am just loving life in general. Learning how to learn this last year has helped me so much in handling the transition.

Another big transition that has been on my mind recently is the transition from high school to college! Thank goodness that I am not graduating early!! I have a feeling that going through all of that paperwork would give me a conniption. We had a college fair last week (I was volunteering, so I didn't get to really participate) and it was almost overwhelming to see how many directions my life could go. I have always leaned towards a church school (and am still leaning that way, despite the tons of options) but just acknowledging that there were still colleges that I hadn't even heard of that might fit me better. Cray-cray. (That's a slang word for crazy that I've picked up recently. Thanks, School!)

Speaking of church schools -- BYU has been rocking football. Well ... sort of. They won the two home games that they had, but have been committing errors like nobody's business. This all was leading up to their big game against the Utes which they lost for the same reason. To tell you truthfully, I am not a huge, huge megafan of football (I only know the basics of the game) but I am a huge MEGAFAN of BYU football. It has been so fun to get into their games this year as my family, with a slightly mocking attitude, watches behind me.

I went on a run outside the other day and I was just thinking about how blessed I am. I know it's still early in the year, but I can tell that my lesson for the year is going to be my complete reliance on the Lord. Believe it or not, that is something I have struggled with in the past, but this year it has played a key role to my happiness. For example, that one melt down I had came after a fantastic day! I really was walking on air, but I think I became a little prideful and didn't rely on the Lord as much as I should have. That being said, I humbled myself very quickly and from that day on, I have been trying the Lord to see the blessings that will come. And from the direction of the first few weeks of the rest of my life, I can just tell I am going to love it.

I have seen this quote going around recently and I LOVE IT. Joseph B. Wirthlin is one of my heroes and this quote puts so much vibrancy in my life, especially when things get tough. "I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it. As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say, as did my mother, 'Come what may, and love it.'"

It will be interesting to see how this year plays out. I hope I can keep perspective as I move forward!

school year's end

When I'm close to tears at a Thespian Picnic, I know it's the end of the year.

When I start panicking and laughing hysterically because I am too relaxed, I know it's the end of the year.
When I start planning outfits for my summer activities, it is definitely the end of the year. (And time to find a new hobby).

I'm having some bitter-sweet feelings about the end. At the beginning of the summer I felt like I needed to get home schooled because I didn't feel like this year was going to be good at all. I didn't want to loosen up with my standards and all the good feelings that I had experienced during the year. I didn't want to face the friends that I knew I would have to drift from.

But something encouraged me to stay.

And even through one of the hardest years of my life, I think I know why I needed to stay. Through my trials this year, I have been blessed with such strength. With every emotional break-down, I have been able to be lifted up and built to be a better person. As I have tried new things and met new people, I have been able to grow as a person.

So, while I go and have one of those emotional breakdowns again, I hope that everyone I have interacted with this year knows that even though I am a tight-wad, try-hard, Mormon, you made me better in every way! :)

Thanks!