looking forward

2015 was pretty momentous for me!

For half of it, I was on my mission in Chile. This was definitely a highlight composed of thousands of little daily highlights. I can't begin to mention all of the wonderful bright spots my mission brought to my life. Just like everyone promised me, I think about my mission every day. I dream about my mission every day. It continues to be a huge part of my life. I love the people of Chile. The challenges that I faced on a daily basis, paired with the immense grace I was able to feel from Heavenly Father, helped to change and define who I was as a person.

Sadly, but also awesomely, I came home to experience the biggest challenge of my life. My life. I was at home to see my sister Savannah get her mission call to Bakersfield, California. I went to the temple with her. I taught Sunbeams (the five year olds at church) about repentance and how to appreciate clothes. I spent some time finally learning to knit and getting caught up on the pop culture I missed during my 18 month service as a missionary.

I went to school at BYUI. I was called as the Relief Society president. I made so many friends that shaped and influenced me to become a better person. I learned more about myself and what I want for my future. My classes stretched and helped me to view the world with different eyes. I got closer to Heavenly Father in so many ways -- through scripture study and prayer. I started the process of applying to become an EFY counselor.

It was a beautiful year.

I love it when a New Year happens. It offers a new start -- no matter how crazy a year has been, a new year gives new opportunities. No matter how wonderful a year has been, a new year can hold the promise of a year that is even more spectacular. 

It is amazing to think that EVERY PERSON HAS BEEN GIVEN THE SAME 365 DAYS THIS YEAR! But what I made of my year is completely different than the next person because of the choices I did or didn't make. I want to use my time more efficiently this next year in order to learn, grow, and experience even more than I was able to this past year.

It's quite the challenge -- because, like I said, I had a pretty stinking incredible year. But I have a couple of goals for 2016 that I want to accomplish.

So, without further ado, my goals!

1. I am going to get control of my finances! The apostles counseled about this in the past General Conference, so I am going to learn to live by a budget and the principle of SAVING money! Dave Ramsey tapes, here I come.

2. I am going to eat healthily and work out every day. I really want to start forming healthy habits so that it will be easier for me to maintain in the future. I plan on following a meal calendar and taking advantage of the workout classes that are offered at BYUI.

3. I am going to blog once a week! I feel like blogging would offer me a good time to think introspectively and focus on the big lessons that I learn throughout the year.

4. Spiritually, I want to prepare better to keep the Sabbath Day holy by reading the lessons for each class before Sunday. Also, I want to attend the temple once a week!

There are a lot of other things that I want to accomplish in 2016, but for now, I feel like this is a good list to work on! Wow! The potential awesomeness of this year is hitting me right now. I am so grateful that each day is a blank slate that I can write my story on each day. I am especially grateful to Jesus Christ who made that possible. He makes every day possible!

Week Seventy-Six: A Consecrated Missionary

Hermana Parkin and I. I love her soooo much! We have been working really, really hard together.

Area: Collao
Companion: Hermana Parkin

Dear familia,

I can honestly say that this has been the best cambio of my mission. It is the last cambio, but I am working hard every day to make it a good one. I am praying harder than ever to be able to give my all and to finish strong. And this concentrated effort really is making a world of difference. I have never felt so good in my life. I have never felt so much enthusiasm for the gospel of Jesus Christ as I do right now, in this very moment. I love it so much.

This week has been so wonderful. Every week has been so great. I feel like now that I only have one more letter to write ... I don't know what else to say. We saw some miracles. We made some awesome contacts. It all is the same but so different at the same time. I am feeling so much joy in the routine of things. It is a good feeling.

The Scholes and me.

We had a class of Elder Scholes and it was a great minute to reflect my mission a bit. We have had these trainings ever since the third cambio of my mission. I have learned so much about how to teach well and how to communicate the gospel in such a way that people can feel the spirit and act according to those feelings that they have. I am soooooo grateful for these skills!! They are going to last me for the rest of my life (just like all of the other things that I have learned on my mission).

 

It was super super funny during the meeting, because I was the oldest person of the mission there. I ran into a newbie that is serving in Frutillares (Hna. Herrera) and I started to ask her about the people there that I love so much ... she couldn't see my nametag, so she asked me my name. It was so funny to see the look on her face ... "Everyone talks about you!" More and more as I have been on the mission, I have realized that I really don't deserve anything like that. I am sooo far from perfect, but it was super funny to see this new missionary just starting out with this learning process that I am still working on. It never really ends.

Sister Osborne and me at the E'Scholes class.

Our mini cambio for the week was with Barrio Norte. I was in Collao with Hna. Saunders and we had a great time! Hermana Saunders just started the mission last cambio and she is the sweetest thing in the world. We worked really hard to obtain our goals and were able to do it! At one point of the mini cambio, we were walking around with a member trying to find someone to teach after one of our appointments fell. I had a feeling that we should go and visit a menos activo family that the elders are working with named the Familia Castillo. The only problem ... I didn't know exactly how to find their house ... and their house was on the opposite end of our sector. But we decided to go anyways.

After praying and making a few phone calls, we were able to make it to their house. The spirit was sooooo strong in this lesson. We talked about small and simple things, and it was so sweet, because Hermana Saunders was trying to express herself, but couldn't exactly find the words to say. Hermano Walter (the dad of this family) said, "Some day she will learn." I nodded and said, "I know that that is true. I was in her shoes a year and a half ago ... and now I can joke and communicate and everything!" 

And suddenly I realized that we are all in this process. We are all trying to become more and more like our Savior and Heavenly Father ... and it is a BIG GOAL. Learning a language is also a BIG GOAL. But I feel like we have been given the tools and the time to be able to learn to do it. I sure hope to have more time to work on being more Christ-like. I know that I am so far away. Really, we all are ... but Heavenly Father loves us so much and is soooo patient with us in the meantime.

The family committed to come to church and I just KNEW that they were going to keep their commitment. It is amazing what the Spirit can influence us to do.

Our ward really is catching on fire with missionary work. It is awesome to see! We are finally having frequent meetings with our ward mission leader. We are finally having meetings with the bishopric. We are finally getting together a focus group as a ward. It is amazing because it helps SO MUCH to have that support of the ward. I feel like I never really understood that before the mission, but now I want to go home and just start working working working as a member. It is such a great opportunity to keep building the kingdom!

Hermana Camila Puchi, Leslie Yañez, and Rosa Placencia

We had an awesome activity of desserts on Saturday! We have been announcing it like crazy and planning like mad-women and it worked out really well. We had 5 investigators that came and really, really enjoyed it! I feel like the KEY to success with an activity is FOOD and PEOPLE. If those two things are there, the people are going to have a great time.

Our activity.

Today was my last consejo as a leader in the mission. I am so grateful for the chance that I have had to be serving as a Sister Training Leader. I have been able to grow sooo much and learn so much more. Heavenly Father really truly loves me. I know that I am so inadequate, but He still felt like I was ready to be in this position to help so many other people. It just makes me so happy!

Hermana Parkin and I were in charge of the activity for consejo and it was awesome. We have been planning it for a good two weeks, because we wanted it to turn out perfectly. Our theme ... CONSECRATION. Say what? I really had no idea how we were going to find an activity for consecration, but we were able to brainstorm a lot and the Spirit helped us to know what to do. We ended up playing spoons with a ton of distractions. Hermana Arrington helped us a TON ... she brought in cookies while the Elders and Hermanas were playing as a temptation. It was so funny to watch how into the game the Elders got. Nothing could distract them from getting their spoon. I felt so much power as we applied it to consecration. "What are we doing to eliminate the distractions from our mission ... which is so much more important than a game of Spoons?" No distraction is worth it. Nothing is worth losing the Spirit.

Our consejo was SOOO good. I loved learning more about how I can be a consecrated missionary ... and really, a consecrated member of the church. The call that I have to become more like Jesus Christ isn't something that is going to stop when I get off the plane in Springfield. No way! It is for all of my life. All of my life, I need to work EVERY DAY to apply the Atonement in my life and to seek the inspiration of the Spirit so that I can keep progressing. It is a promise that I have made ... and I intend to keep it! That helps me to feel good about ending the mission. It is just the beginning of an eternal progression.

My heart is so full. It is so full. I feel like I am a blubbery baby all of the time now, because everything makes me cry. I am just so grateful to be alive. I am grateful for this time that Heavenly Father has given to me. I feel like I am making the best of it with what I know to do. My life is great ... and it will continue to get better. 

I love you all sooooo much! Remember that Christ is the most important thing! His atonement is everything! I hope that every week we can work to be just a little better and a little more dedicated!! I am doing everything that I can to give a little bit more every day. :) I'm praying for ya!

Love,

Laney

Hermana Antillon and me. Baaaaah, the last time that I will see her in the mission. :((

Week Twenty-Six: i am trying ...

Area: Fruitillares
Companion: Hermana De León

Dear familia,

This week was a week ... it wasn't actually that bad, but it sure felt like a little eternity. It has been sooooo much harder for me recently to be at peace with the work I am doing. I have been feeling a lot of frustration ... mostly because Hermana De León and I have been working soooo hard and so diligently to talk to everyone and to find people to teach, but we haven't been too successful. I have been studying a lot about faith, and I leave the house every day CONFIDENT that Heavenly Father is preparing people for us to teach ... only to have people be super rude to us in the streets and from their homes. Oh, well. Something that I am learning is that I just have to get out and do it anyways. No matter how rude the person I talk to is, I always try to put as much enthusiasm into the next contact that I do. It is a fun test against myself to see how disciplined I can be with my emotions.

First of all, THE MUNDIAL. I sure hope that you guys are rooting for Chile!! We didn't go out to work on Friday because there was NO WAY on this planet that a Chilean would let us into their house during this sacred time of Futból. It was super fun to be in our house for that night. We could kind of hear the game through our paper thin walls while we were planning and we could definitely hear the ruckus in the streets when Chile won. It really wasn't important in that moment that it was raining and super windy (like pretty much every day this week) ... every Chilean and their dog ran out of their house, playing their blow horns and screaming at the top of their lungs. "What do you know," I said to Hermana De León, "Chile won." It is so fun to be in a country where everyone cares about soccer during the Mundial. You can't help but feel excited.

I said a prayer this week that was really an incredible experience. Basically, I asked Heavenly Father what were the most important things that I needed to know. I very distinctly felt:

1. I love you.

2. I have got everything under control.

This answer was something that sustained me through this week, even though it could have been super easy to lose sight of. We worked really, really, really hard to find people (like I mentioned before). We planned better than I have in my whole mission. We wasted no time walking. We knocked on every door. We offered to sing a song and say a prayer. But at every turn, there was rejection. The dogs seemed to bark more than ever (I am sick of dogs. I had a dream that I killed a dog last night). We really tried ... but nothing happened. There was one day that the wind was blowing harder than I have ever felt it before. The other days were super cold and super rainy. I know that we were working diligently, but it just breaks my heart that it doesn't show in our numbers. We hardly taught at all this week.

But, from my prayer, I was certain that Heavenly Father loved me and that He had a grand purpose in these trials that I have been facing. I still don't know what that grand purpose is ... but I know that He wants me to grow ... and so I am humbly trying to take life by the punches. If Heavenly Father has all power ... and I am doing all that I can to work my hardest ... and nothing happens still ... that must mean that this is something that I was meant to pass through, right?

Saturday was especially hard for me. I woke up and got ready. I studied (again about faith in Jesus Christ) and I pumped myself to leave. "You wanna know why I am excited to leave?" I asked Hermana De León, "I am excited to work some miracles today. I am excited to find people. I am just really excited." I packed up all of my stuff, minus the keys to the church, and we knelt to pray before we left the house. "You've got the keys, right?" asked Hermana De León. "Mhmmmm." And so we left. Our first item on the list of things to do was to tell a family that we weren't going to be able to make it to lunch that day because we had been double booked. We went to their house relatively early ... and it broke my heart to see that they had already prepared the lunch for us. Ahhh, I felt horrible. I begged a thousand pardons and they kindly forgave us, but I still felt like junk. It started to rain.

We talked to some people on the way to the boondocks of Frutillares where we had lunch that day. All of them were really rude and not that interested in what we had to say. We knocked on doors but nobody let us in. We went to one of our investigators' house and she had a pamphlet of an Evangelical church opened on her sofa. I took some deep breaths to beat down the sorrow that I was beginning to feel. A person called us from the church and asked us to bring him the keys so that he could get into the church ... and I had left them in the house. Not only had I left the keys to the church in the house, but also the keys to the house. I felt soooo stupid. Set back in our plans by an hour and a half, we finally started to get some real work done. We made our way back down the road the the boondocks. From the contacts that we have made in the past weeks, we started eliminating the ones that didn't exist. Finally, we found the house of a really promising girl that we had contacted earlier in the week.

When we knocked on the door, a little old lady looked at us for a grand total of three seconds and said, "Come right on in! We wouldn't want you to catch a cold! (the Chileans are very concerned that I don't always wear boots and pantyhose)." I thought to myself, "Yaaaaahoooo, someone that finally let us in that is NICE! Maybe we can get a lesson in before lunch!" This little old lady began rifling through her things to find something for us to wipe our wet hands with. After finding a couple of old baby wipes, we settled in a bit. "I don't know if you have shared with the missionaries before ..." I began. To my disappointment, she said, "Yes, I have talked to many missionaries. I just want to let you know that I am a Catholic and I am never going to change." Ahhhhh, man ... "But," she continued, "That does not give me any right to reject you from my home and to help you in any way that I can. That is what Jesus would do, right?" I felt a warmth of love for this lady wash over my soul. "Yeah," I said, "that is what he would do."

She chatted a little bit about her life. Her husband entered and she introduced us, "Hey, honey, the sisters of Christ are here!" We sang her a hymn and got ready to leave her house, grateful for the little moment that we could spend with her. Before we left, she began rifiling through her drawer again. "I can't give you lunch," she said regretfully and sincerely, "but I think I will give this to you. You need it more than I do." She pulled out the biggest Chilean chocolate bar that I have ever seen and placed it in my hands. With tears in my eyes, I thanked this woman for her kindness. We didn't get the chance to share a lesson with her, but I sure learned a lesson ... Christian kindness knows no bounds. There are a lot of people here that profess to believe in Christ and to be devoted disciples of him ... they preach it from the corners and try to Bible Bash with us in the streets ... But I knew that this little old lady believed in Christ, even though she barely raised her voice above a whisper to talk to us. It was a wonderful experience.

I am amazed by Chilean kindness, even with all of the rudeness. Yesterday in Sacrament Meeting, I cried and I cried. "I am trying," I thought over and over in my head. I am doing the best that I know how. After crying all of my frustration and my pain out, I felt much better. I felt so close to the Savior in this week ... I know he was helping me and bolstering me up, even in the tough experiences. I was also amazed to feel the love of the members of the branch as they came up to me and hugged me after Sacrament. "Why are you hurting?" they asked me over and over again. "Are you okay?" I blinked a couple of times and felt sooo much charity for these people that I am serving. I LOVE Frutillares. I LOVE the people here. Very soon, we are going to be seeing miracles ... very, very soon. But until then, I am going to keep working as hard as I can. I know that in the end, that is what will matter to me.

I love you all sooo much! Please have a wonderful, summery week! :) I am praying for each and every one of you!!

Chao until next week,

Laney

Week Twenty-Five: Sunday ALWAYS Comes

A really ugly picture of me and the rainbows that we see basically every day here in Frutillares. I don't know if it is because it is always off and on raining ... or maybe the sea ... but it is really gorgeous. With my jacket, I wear that jacket, a huge down coat underneat, and my rainskirt ... basically every day. It is crazy.
[Mom's Note: I thought this picture fit perfectly with the message of Laney's email this week ...}

Area: Fruitillares

Companion: Hermana De León

Dear, dear, dear, familia!!

Wow, English is a little unfamiliar! This week was the baptism by fire Spanish wise ... actually in every aspect it was the baptism by fire. Ahem ... let me expound.

Right now, I am with Hermana De León from Guatemala. It is actually her 22 birthday, so we are going to celebrate like nobody's business today. She is a gem and a half. A little bit quiet, but her humor is exactly like Savannah's, so we get along really, really well. She loves bold colors and playing soccer and English (so, basically, she is like a good ol' Latina haha). So far, I have LOVED being with a Latina. It has been soooo different, but not crazy hard. The thing is, I got super lazy with my Spanish when I was with Hermana Peterson because there wasn't really the necessity for me to speak. When I did speak, I stumbled over words and I didn't hear a single compliment about my Spanish (I am a little vain about my Spanish hahah). This week, my Spanish has just flown out the roof. It is still way difficult to communicate ... just because I lack in vocabulary, but it has been a pretty good transition. I love Hermana De León.

Hermana De León -- cutey patootie

This week has been the absolute hardest and most beautiful weeks of my mission. When we left the terminal and I gave my last hug to Hermana Peterson, I almost felt the weight of Frutillares slip on to me. And boy oh boy, the weight is HEAVY. I realized this week that I have never felt very responsible in the mission. So far it has just been ... wow, I am the new kid here ... I don't really know that much about being a missionary. But as soon as Hermana De León and I entered the bus in the pouring rain on the bus to Tomé, I felt the responisibility. We got home, I sat down in our study room ... and I started to cry. I cried for a good five minutes. Why? I was afraid, for one thing. I have never had a Latina companion. I was nervous to show the sector around. I was also scared out my mind for interaction with the drama prone members without Hermana Peterson. They loved her SOOOO MUCH. They loved her so much that it didn't really matter when we were in Executive Committee meetings and she said, "We're still looking for investigators!" Without her, I felt a little bit like I was drowning.

Hermana Blau and Hermana De León

We left to work on the first day. The plans that I had made were AWFUL. We walked and talked to a lot of people. We met some members. We didn't teach a single lesson. In every lesson, I could not feel the spirit because I was thinking about what we needed to do next and I was anxious as heck. As we walked, I tried to tell Hermana De León about the sector in a way that made it seem like paradise, but I knew that by the work we were doing, she would know that it has been a little bit of a struggle here. I remember thinking that it was really stupid that all of my companions so far have felt really pressured to be perfect in the first week of being together ... but now I know that those feelings are REAL. I felt like all of the pressure was on me. I had to make the plans on my own. I had to introduce Hermana to all of the drunk men on the street and to all of the members. I had to explain to her that we don't really have that big of a pool of investigators.

I cried the second day, too. I felt completely out of control. Of course, I didn't tell this to anyone else. I only cried in the time that Hermana De León was showering ... but I felt like the world's worst missionary. I had nightmares for the first time in my mission about coming home being a failure. I had crazy anxiety when we were in houses for more than fifteen minutes. It was crazy. I have never experienced that on my mission! It was something that I had to work through.

The good news is that this week we had a focus as a mission on the Atonement. I have never had to rely so much on the Savior in my life. I have never felt the need to repent for my shortcomings so much in my life. But as I studied about the Atonement and what Christ did for me, I began to apply it to my situation of the week. I didn't cry the third day. I told Heavenly Father, "You know what, I am doing the best that I can ... and I know that it isn't enough. Please, please, help me." From that moment, I felt an insane amount of tranquilidad. It washed over me. I still was a little anxious when we were in houses for a long amount of time (just enough to help us get out of there). I was still a little unfocused with planning. I still made mistakes ... but I realized that if I really did my best, Heavenly Father would make up the difference.

This peace kept growing and growing. I have been having a hard time loving the people of Frutillares ... but after this week, I think I have found true charity for all of them. I think that you have to shed a few tears for people before you can really start to love them like your family. I have been trying for so long to brace myself for some imaginary fall when it comes to attaching myself to people ... now that I have felt the fall, there are no barriers between me and loving these people.

We ended up having a lot of miracles happen this week. We went to this member family's house and baked cookies that we were going to share with their neighbors ... and found a sweet family that we are teaching now. We ran into members on the street that were willing to come with us to lessons with less-active members and our new converts. We asked references from everyone and we were able to find more news from that. My Spanish has really improved in a way that I can talk and joke with Hermana De León in a way that makes life enjoyable for her. I have felt the strengthening power of the atonement more in this week than in my entire life ... and really, it has been such a humbling and beautiful lesson.

A noche de hogar with the family of Melanny (the little girl ... she is a new convert).
Denisse, Justina, Melanny, (I don't remember her gma's name)

Hermana De León shared a talk with me this week called Sunday Always Comes by Joseph B. Wirthlin. Basically, in the talk he talks about how there will always be Fridays like the Friday of the Crucifixion (I don't know how to spell that anymore) ... basically like the entire week for me. But, he is quick to point out that SUNDAY ALWAYS COMES. This week, it wasn't Sunday that came for me ... it was Saturday. We met all of our goals. We taught a lot. I felt a little less of the pressure. I felt love. Suddenly ... I wasn't looking up from a bottomless hole. Things were managable. The rain wasn't pouring. There were rainbows. I know that Heavenly Father gives us exactly what we can handle. I know that He is shaping me into a better person and a better missionary. I needed to cry for the first couple days of this week ... it helped me to realize how awesome my life actually is. Now, I have learned that if I rely on the atonement, everything will end up working to my good. It is a good life lesson.

Feliz Cumpleaños, Hermana De León!

Anyways, a sweet story from this week ... We were in a neighborhood contacting a couple of references that we had when we came into contact with this Evangelical man that I have talked to before. He really was not interested at all in our message, but Hermana De León is a perfect excuse to talk to people again and to give them a second chance. Basically, he gave his same shpeel about being a member of the Ejercito Evangelico de Chile ... blahblahblah. He stopped talking suddenly and just looked at me. Uhhhhh, weird. He started talking again, "You know what ... you look like a disciple of Christ. His image is in your countanance. I am happy that you are trying to go about doing his work ... even if we think about his work a little differently." I was soooo touched by his comment. I am trying really hard to be an example of Christ ... but sometimes I feel like I fall soooo short. I was happy to hear this ... even if it was from a random man on the street.

Anways, I hope that this was a better letter for you guys! Have a wonderful, wonderful week. I am praying for you every day!!! LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!!

Love, Hermana Blau

In Concé today! :) It is super fun to go to the office ... because we can talk to the old couple missionaries and we get to see all of our friends. I love being closer to Concepción.

november 10

I am grateful for MY TESTIMONY.

Since it is Sunday, I figure that this is a pretty appropriate post. I am soooo grateful for my personal testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. It's kind of cliche to say, "I don't know where I would be if I didn't have the gospel in my life." I really don't feel that way ... I know where I wouldn't be. I wouldn't be here at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I wouldn't be preparing to serve a mission. I wouldn't think of others and I wouldn't be truly happy. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is EVERYTHING to me. It affects every single moment of my life.

I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live! Now, more than ever, I have a firm testimony that they love me and they had a definite plan for me. I know that I lived before I came here and that I will continue to live after I die. Eternity is such a long and wonderful time ... It is up to me to keep the proper perspective to help me to endure to the end. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father loved me (and everyone else, of course) enough to send a Savior to earth so that I could repent of my mistakes.

I know that Jesus Christ lived a perfect life. I really, really love him! He is the best example of every quality that I try (and fail) to emulate. I have faith that, through his Atonement, I can be made clean from all of my sins and can have the strength to be better than I naturally am. Utilizing the Atonement is something that I am still working on in my life, but as I have done a better job at doing it, I have definitely felt the love of the Savior enter my life. I have felt that peace which "passeth all understanding"!

I know that, in answer to sincere prayer, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. I've walked through the Sacred Grove a couple of times and I have had several experiences that have helped me to know that this is true. I know this is true! Joseph Smith was such an awesome man (definitely on my spiritual stud list). He was a prophet of God!

By the power of God, Joseph Smith was able to translate the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for this knowledge. The Book of Mormon is true. It has a special spirit to it that has brought so much comfort and understanding to me in my life. I love the Book of Mormon! I have read it and I have prayed about it!

I know that we have a living prophet on the earth, today! Thomas S. Monson leads and guides me to know what I need to be doing in my life to stay on the path that will lead me back to Heavenly Father. When I went to Conference last October, I truly felt the spirit witness to me that he is a PROPHET. I am so grateful that he was inspired to change the age for missionaries. It has been the MOST AMAZING BLESSING IN MY LIFE.

I know that families can be together forever through the blessings of the temple. As I have been able to go to the temple every week for the past semester, this knowledge has been solidified. I am excited to get married in the temple because I am excited to spend eternity with those I love. I am so grateful that, even though I am away from home, I can know that no matter what happens, I will see my family again!

There is so much more about the gospel that I love. I am not particularly eloquent when it comes to expressing the deepest feelings and desires of my heart, but I do know that the church is true. I know that if we honestly seek to find the truth, Heavenly Father will help us to find it. I found the truth. It is here. It is with the Church. That knowledge has changed my life for the better!

november 1st

I am grateful for JESUS CHRIST.

Yesterday, I was feeling really frustrated. "Why, Heavenly Father? Why have I been sad for the past couple of weeks? Why do I feel so homesick!?" I did not expect this kind of thing to happen to me. When people asked me if I would be homesick out here in Idaho, I would reply, "No way. I know exactly how to avoid that kind of thing." I guess it turns out that I don't have all of the answers. Despite my efforts to stay super involved, I have felt so homesick for the past couple of weeks. Add that to school stress and some drama with the roomies and I have been one hot mess. A quiet hot mess, though. One content with being silent.

So, I was feeling frustrated. I was tired and sad and alone. I found myself in the Taylor Chapel (which is a beautiful, beautiful place). I took a little nap ... because I could. And then I woke up and started to pray. I prayed for courage and strength and comfort. I prayed against the fear that I would never want to come back here again. I prayed for friendship and for my family. I prayed for Heath Tenney and all of my other missionary friends.

This simple prayer helped so much. I know that the Gospel is true with all of my heart. But sometimes, I forget that it works for me just as much as I know that it will work for others. Sometimes I comfort people by saying, "Jesus Christ knows what you're going through. He will ALWAYS be there to help you." I say this to them, yet while in my struggles I sometimes forget.

After I napped and prayed in the Taylor Chapel, I knew something that I had momentarily forgotten. Jesus Christ loves me. He knows what I am going through and wants to help me. I felt waves of comfort wash over me. I began thinking about perspective and was really struck by how fast time has gone by out here at BYUI. I only have six weeks to go until I enter the MTC. I am going back home in 18 days for the Thanksgiving break. I started thinking about the people of Chile. I thought about how I would be there in just a few short months and was comforted.

This too shall pass ...

Please don't think that I am sad or lonely or depressed. I really have wonderful friends out here. I love going to school here. I am just so grateful, now more than ever, for the atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful that when I feel completely isolated, I know that I can always have the spirit with me. Life is so, so good.

on weakness

I'm super sorry for not blogging more. Really, there is no excuse. I have just made it less of a priority. This is super bad, because I want to remember the blessings that I've been receiving here at BYUI. I want to remember the random experiences that aren't going to last with me forever.

Anyways, this week was awesome. (Every week has been awesome). It all culminated with one awesome weekend of General Conference. For the first session, I went up with Mara and her two brothers (Myles and Christian) and had a super fun time. It hardly seems like it was real life. We woke up and left Rexburg at four, went to the morning session, and then were home by 6. What the random? Anyways, that session was AMAZING. I felt the spirit super strongly and got answers to a ton of questions that I had written down in my journal. Heavenly Father is really an incredible person. He knows me exactly and knows what I need.

This was seen in my life today especially. General Conference was great yesterday ... today was even more marvelous. I just left the morning session feeling like all was well. I am soooo grateful for the knowledge that I have that the true gospel of Jesus Christ is on the earth today. It affects the way I do everything. I am nowhere NEAR perfect; in fact, I'm sometimes incredibly awkward and not thoughtful and impatient. However, during conference, I felt like I knew exactly what I needed to change in my life in order to begin to fix these things. I felt the spirit like crazy. I was super, super fired up to live the things I learned and to pound out these last few weeks before the mish (what I've been calling my mission). I felt confident that I had the tools I needed to succeed, especially if I trusted in the Lord.

And then I looked at I-Learn. And I saw my Spanish Oral exam.

I studied for HOURS for this thing. HOURS. I felt really great leaving the exam, but I got a little bit of a lower score than I wanted to. When I looked at I-Learn, my spirits sunk. Thoughts like, "Man, I am never going to be able to teach effectively if I am struggling with planned conversations ..." and "Wow, I guess Spanish isn't my thing ..." flooded through my mind. I was overwhelmed. I was sad. I felt like crying my eyes out.

I felt better as I talked to my parents on Google Hangout. I sure do love them and miss their support. While I was talking to them, I realized that any mistakes I made on that test were because I didn't prepare enough for the exam. I remembered that I hadn't read the Book of Mormon in Spanish hardly at all last week, nor did I pray as hard to learn the language. I guess my results from the previous exam I had (a 100 percent) really fluffed up my pride ... and unfortunately, I totally fell for it!

After I hung up with my parents, I made a mug of herbal tea and opened up the Spanish Book of Mormon I had. I picked up where I left off (2 Nephi 26) and began reading. I read the Spanish out loud, and, although I understood nothing from it, I felt a little better about my life. A quiet peace replaced my despair--the Holy Ghost. One of the verses that I read out loud made me bawl, and I didn't know why. After all, I didn't understand a lick of it! I looked up the verse in my English Book of Mormon and it said:

For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith.

I felt that this answered my fears and insecurities perfectly. Heavenly Father can take me, a total GRINGA, and shape me into this fluent Spanish speaker. He can ONLY do it through my faith though. It is all up to me. Verses in the Spanish Book of Mormon continued to pop out to me as I continued to read. Each one of them applied to me personally. It was INCREDIBLE.

My friend John Bonney wrote me a letter this week (he's serving in Belgium right now). In it, he suggested something that I've been thinking about over and over again for the past couple of days. His advice to me was, "Pray like everything depends on Him; work like everything depends on you."  The Lord is aware of our needs. He knows what we need and he wants us to be happy. He wants us to have his peace continuously, but we have to be willing to turn to him, rely on him, and work like crazy. That is the only way that he can help us live up to our full potential.

I think that there are times in my life like the one I had earlier today for a reason. Heavenly Father has said that he gives us weaknesses so that we can be humble. That is SO TRUE. I am grateful for these humbling experiences. They never fail to provoke me to some kind of positive action. Today, I am going to rely on the Lord ... and read a few more chapters of El Libro de Mormón.

day one

Today was crazy nuts insane. Imagine a ton of boy crazy girls, handsome Mormon boys, and a super sweet spirit on campus. It's exactly my type of place. My roommates are stellar! I spent a crazy night partying with a bunch of Mormon people. I walked to the temple in the morning.

I guess I'm just kind of flustered. College is kind of like I thought it would be ... but at the same time it totally isn't. It still stinks leaving my family, but I almost feel like I'm making one big huge family here. I've already seen SOOOO many people I know, but I am meeting a ridiculous amount of new people.

At the temple, I was kind of thinking about the things that I can be doing to have a great experience and I really didn't what to do. I didn't have any idea what college would be like. I looked in the scriptures and flipped open to a verse in John.

5 Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?
6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
7 If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him.

That was it. That was my answer. Jesus Christ is the way to having a joyful life. I fully intend to take this semester to grow closer to him and to learn to love with Christ like love. I can't wait to see how this all plays out. It's definitely going to be ... interesting.

College rocks. I'll be posting a debrief every night (if I can).  Jesus Christ lives. His church is on the earth today! I'm so glad to be here at BYUI.