That's definitely an exaggeration, but I have attempted over and over again to put the right words together to convey just how incredible my experience at EFY has been.
I've talked a lot about EFY on my blog ... I've been kind of obsessed with this program for the past 7 years. As I have gotten to have the EFY experience as a counselor this summer, my obsession has expanded and matured. EFY has always marked important life change decisions in my life, and the time that I spent as a counselor has been even more life changing.
A couple of the big life changes are as follows:
1. I am in the process of applying to be a teacher at the MTC.
2. I am transferring to school in Utah.
3. I am dating the most incredible human being.
4. I have felt my heart expand 150 sizes.
EFY has been quite the ride.
I'll expound later. I feel like I am at a loss for words - mostly because there is no way that I can adequately describe how I feel about EFY without the appropriate changes in voice inflection, arm waving, etc. But a wave of information and memories is coming. I promise.
I treasure the memories and experiences that I was able to have on my mission. I feel like I was able to see God in the details of my life every minute, hour, day. I felt His infinite love, shown in the little blessings that He granted to me and those around me, based on our faith.
I remember one family in particular that was struggling financially. This little family consisted of a young couple and their five year old daughter, and they were working to be sealed in the temple. One HUGE obstacle that they faced was the unemployment of the father. He quit his job as he was returning to the church because his hours made him work on Sunday and didn't allow him to attend Sacrament Meeting. He had done this on the premise that he would be greatly blessed for his sacrifice, but after a year of waiting for a job, desperation was overtaking the faith that he had once had.
I was in awe and heartbroken as I talked to the father of this family. I marveled at his incredible faith and endurance and wondered how I would feel after a year of relying on another person's income to support my family. He confided that although he quit his job with faith that things would work out in the end, he was beginning to feel abandoned by Heavenly Father.
An incredible scripture in the Bible promises that "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." This man was having such a hard time opening his eyes to see the blessings that Heavenly Father had in store for him. Desperately, my companion and I tried to open his eyes. After a quick lesson on faith, we came up with an eye-opening plan of action. We would fast with this family for one day, the whole time praying that they would be able to find work ... and then see what blessings the Lord had already prepared for this faithful family.
The day of the fast was one of the hottest days of the year. When anticipating what the effect of climbing up hills in that heat would be like after a day without food or water, I thought that my sweet companion and I were going to die. However, we completed our fast. With faith, we prayed for a miracle.
A day or two later, our phone rang. The father found a job.
Some people might chalk that occurrence up to coincidence. However, I truly believe that Heavenly Father had a part in ensuring that our faith and the faith of this little family didn't go unnoticed. He was in every detail of their lives. Because I was able to plainly see that, I was also able to learn that Heavenly Father is also VERY personally aware of every single one of us.
For all of my life, I have tried really hard to do what Heavenly Father has wanted me to do. I feel like that is really what it means to LOVE Him. He asks me to seek His will and obey. In return, He promises to guide me and those blessings that my natural eyes cannot see right now. I have made so many seemingly wacky decisions in my life based on promptings that I have felt (i.e. fasting on the hottest day of the year ... or homeschooling my junior year of high school) that my dad once remarked (jokingly) that my God is a God that doesn't make sense.
Although my decisions have sometimes not made a lot of sense, I have found so much pleasure and comfort as I have moved forward in my life relying on Heavenly Father's perfect wisdom. This daily struggle that I go through has helped reinforce the idea to me that Heavenly Father is perfectly aware of my needs. He is intimately involved in my life. He has protected me from the evil influences in the world by surrounding me for as long as I can remember with wonderful friends, both inside and outside of the church. He gave me the best family I could ever hope to have. He has granted me my wildest dreams.
Sometimes, I am blind to the blessings that the Lord has perfectly placed in my life. Getting distracted is pretty easy in today's world. However, every time I take a moment to open my eyes to the wonderful blessings that surround me, I am filled with awe. The little glimpses that I get of eternity and the happiness that I feel when that happens makes me think that we have a whole lot to look forward to after this life ... if only we will love Heavenly Father enough in the meantime to trust that He will help make everything right in the end.
A couple of months ago, the following email popped up in my inbox.
"Dear Student,
The Admissions Office at Brigham Young University Idaho is pleased to offer you a special opportunity to attend this upcoming Spring 2015 semester in addition to your regular Fall/Winter track."
Aside from the fact that was a deeply impressed by the personalization of this letter, I was excited with the idea of being able to continue my studies at BYU-Idaho. Yes, dear reader, I was actually EXCITED to keep on studying, even after two semesters of heavy courses and responsibilities. Strangely, I was sad to be leaving behind paper writing and being a Relief Society president and busy work ... okay, maybe I wasn't too broken up over the busy work.
Needless to say, college has been excellent for my personal development. As weird as this might sound, podunk Rexburg, Idaho, was my veritable paradise because of the constant availability of stimulating and novel opportunities. I won't be too far removed from this strange but wonderful college-town atmosphere -- when I move to Provo in the summer, I will be able to have similar experiences -- but in the meantime, I am back in sleepy ol' Waynesville, MO.
I decided in coming home that I was going to try to keep up having new learning experiences every day so as to not fall into a Netflix-binge depression. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, seeing as I see at least seven people I know on an average trip to Wal-mart (thanks to my family living in the same place for twenty years). I have found, however, that instead of throwing my daily energy into building relationships with lots of different people, I am using this precious time that I have at home to build relationships with my family. They are my eternal best friends, and I have come to the conclusion that I only have a limited amount of time to show my adoration and appreciation.
Being home with this differently angled goal has been so much fun. My family is kind of like an exclusive club with our own humor and social cues, and it is awesome to participate now that I am officially feeling less post-RM awkwardness (it only took me ten months!). Even though the kids are at school during the day, I stay busy with house work and helping my parents. When the kids are home, I summon the energy to put together puzzles and hold tickle fight-club matches. The experiences that I am having are so very very different from my experiences at college ... but every day brings me just as much happiness and satisfaction.
I think that If I were in Rexburg right now, I would be having a ball. But if I were out west right now, there would be a lot of things that I couldn't do. I couldn't ruffle the boys hair as they play endless Studio C videos on YouTube. I wouldn't be learning the ins and outs of the family business. I couldn't talk to my mom about boy woes. I wouldn't be fixing broken radiators under Dad's watchful eye. I couldn't learn to build out-of-control fires that rival the Boy Scout equivalent. I wouldn't be able to visit Grandpa after his back surgery. I couldn't be chatting with Nandy about life while cleaning her house. I couldn't teach the primary kids at church about the insects and Jesus.
In other words, in my time at home, I have learned that everything in life has its season. I am glad that for this little season, Heavenly Father is allowing me to attend the university of life ... taught from within the walls of my childhood home.
It just goes to show that you can't learn everything at school.
Hey! I'm playing a little bit of catch-up with my pictures ... but we were able to go to General Conference in honor of Hyrum's 12th birthday!! Such a fun experience!!
Before I get to the meat of my post, can I just say that I have come to LOVE running? It has become a necessary part of my life. This winter semester, I have been brutally forced to run indoors on the treadmill because of the consecutive days of below freezing weather ... but things have been turning around lately.
The beautiful, 55 degree weather of Rexburg allowed me to run outside today.
I usually leave the house without having much of an idea where I want to run. Rexburg is only a couple of miles in diameter, so there aren't a ton of ways to get lost or in harms way. Today, I found myself gravitating toward Nature Park. This is a beautifully secluded part of town (even more than the rest of it, surprisingly). As its name suggests, Nature Park is nature with a sidewalk cut through it.
I can remember the times that I have been to Nature Park in the past almost eight months (!) that I have been at school.
The first was on a run with one of my friends from the mission.
The second was with my first college boyfriend, as we sat on a bench and talked about nothing significant.
The third was the first "warm" day of the "spring" ... warm being 40 degrees. In my insanity, I ran there with a short-sleeved tee-shirt. Living in Idaho will do that to you.
And the fourth was today.
As I ran around the park, I came to the park bench where visit number two took place. I came to an abrupt halt in front of the bench and felt the overwhelming desire to sit down and look out over the pond that lay in front of it.
So I sat down.
I can't exactly explain the feeling that I felt as I sat down, but I can try to explain what it wasn't. It wasn't de-ja-vu, but it was just as stirring. It wasn't nostalgia ... because there was nothing really extraordinary about any encounter that I had in that park.
It was the beginning of revelation. As I looked out at that same duck pond on the same bench that I sat on almost six months ago, I realized how constant the change of the world is. The seasons change when they're supposed to (well ... I guess that is debatable in Rexburg ... but I digress). The ducks flee when they begin to feel the chill of winter and come back at the first sign of warmer weather. Nature Park has been the same for years and will continue without change for years to come.
The place hadn't changed. But I had.
As I sat on that bench, I thought back on my time in Rexburg and was stunned by the amount of personal growth and life lessons that Heavenly Father has packed into my experience. I lived my life out here, and I think I lived it pretty well. I was refined in my education. I was refined socially and spiritually. I worked hard to control my finances.
I hate to say it, but I think in the past two semesters, I have grown closer to being an actual adult. It's been pretty gradual and I still have a whole lot of life experience to have before I can officially drop the young from my young adult status, but the need to leave behind the things of my past and push forward into exciting new territory is becoming more and more obvious. Sometimes that future is scary and hard, but other times it is full of happiness and love ... and EVERY SECOND is worth living.
Each second gives me the chance to change and grow and develop. There is nothing more exhilarating than that! I hope that the weather will be beautiful when I return to Rexburg in the fall. I hope to return to that same bench in Nature Park and to feel the same amazement as I look at the local family of ducks. I am sure that the place will be no different ... but I have hope that I will.
After being in a foreign country for a while, coming home to the idiomatic phrases of English was a little jarring. I heard words like salty in contexts that I had never heard before. My siblings rattled these phrases off like nothing significant had changed in their language, but to me, it felt more foreign than Spanish.
I heard the phrase, "You do you, girl," so much. It was rather self-explanatory, so I didn't search it up on Urban Dictionary ... but I did wonder about how it applied to me in my life.
I should do me. I should be true to myself. But what on earth did that mean? I really didn't know the answer until recently.
College has been a huge eye opener to the possibilities and horizons that lay endlessly before me. With every day of learning and becoming more involved, I feel like this feeling of opportunity focuses in and intensifies itself. One of the amazing things that college has given me is curiosity and a passion for life-long learning.
For the longest time, I have felt this passion with little to direct it towards. I sporadically have jumped from interest to interest. All the while, I have felt like I was stuck between an ADHD of being overwhelmed by the many options of life and at the same time waiting for something meaningful to stick for longer than a couple of weeks.
However, as my studies have deepened, I have felt a deepening of my interests and direction. I find that all truth (spiritual and temporal) is connected, and I love to look for it. I now feel motivated by the things that are callings to me. I feel called by my church calling, but I also feel called by Spanish and learning everything I can about it. I feel called by being a mentor for the Disciple Leadership Conference, and I feel that same sense of calling from my job as EFY counselor. These callings have honed in on my sense of purpose and have thrown me onto an enjoyable and fulfilling path.
BYUI has been promoting something called P2B for the entire semester ... basically, from the posters that lined the halls I gathered that P2B was a hip conference for young professionals looking to learn networking. From the raffle prizes, bowling and Mario Kart tournaments, and rounds of putt-putt golf, I gathered that BYUI was really invested in the program and worried that this thing was going to flop. I passed by these things and refused to make eye contact with the people running the stands because I wanted nothing to do with it. If BYUI had to make such a fuss about this program, they were obviously trying to hide something fundamentally flawed about P2B.
The buzz continued, however. My friends were signing up by the dozens, either to get extra credit or because they were sucked in by the hype-tables. In solidarity and as a sense of duty to the school, I joined with them and bought a ticket. I kept my expectations pretty low, but I found that I was catching on to the hype. I wanted to participate in the Mario Kart competitions. I wanted to win the prizes. I was hooked.
The conference was AMAZING. Filled to the brim of life changing awesomeness. It was worth every cent of the 10 dollars I paid to go. I felt the Spirit SOOOO strongly as I was there. It whispered, "You're in the right place. Right now you are in the right place." As the speakers talked about finding passion and pairing it with success, I was stunned to realize that I have the remarkable blessing of KNOWING what my passion is, knowing the path that I'm on is acceptable to the Lord, and knowing what lights me up with the ability to move forward.
I am driven when challenges arise, when I have a chance to be an influence for good, when I feel needed, when I am given the chance to overcome my own weaknesses. I have learned and continue learning about who I am. And then I try to be true to those things that I discover. That is my passion.
I am who I am, and the atonement makes it possible for me to become more of the person that Heavenly Father sees me as every day.
So, I do me. And you do you, girl. When paired with Heavenly Father's guidance, it is so rewarding.
I can't miss the opportunity to write about a miracle that happened in my life last week.
After buying the cheapest plane ticket that I could to get up to Rexburg for the start of the semester, I was pretty much broke. Gone were the reserves of money that I had been saving up from before the mission (really, before the end of senior year), finally exhausted after having a good, long run in my bank account. My situation isn't terrible because I have a couple of investments that give me monthly money, but I knew that after paying rent and all of the other start of school expenses, I would be totally and completely out of money.
The comfort of being at home for the holidays lessened my worry about this particular problem. But when I started to think about buying textbooks on my first day of class, the worry began to creep into the back of my mind. I calculated on my fingers my assets and what I needed to buy. I remembered that on top of all the things I needed to buy, I still hadn't paid my tithing for that month. Ayayay ... I thought this to myself several times as I tried to think about how to make ends meet.
I have heard my entire life that tithing brings blessings. It has always been a known fact, and I never have had a problem paying tithing because I have always been aware of those blessings. On my mission, I told people all the time about these blessings: "Prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." In not seeing a way forward financially for the beginning of this semester, I had a chance to prove the Lord.
I went home after class and paid my tithing. I then set out on all of my errands that I had to accomplish for the day. Pay rent. Pay for the necessary books. Pay for food. All the time, in my head, I was calculating how much money I had left. When I was at the checkout line in the grocery store, I stared in disbelief at the total for my shopping cart. It was a little bit less than the money that I had left to spend. I don't know how, but somehow, Heavenly Father stretched my money to be enough. And I believe that that is part of the blessing that he poured on me for paying my tithing. What a miracle.
Later that night, I posted on my Facebook about this little miracle. Since I have been home from my mission, I haven't been an avid Facebook poster because I don't want to bother anyone with trivial things. I knew, however, that I HAD to testify of my experience and the goodness of Heavenly Father ... because I knew that the blessing of having enough money to pay for everything I was stressed out about was a direct miraculous response to my worries and fear.
Not one hour after I posted that Facebook status, a couple of my friends came over to catch up after the break, and they said, "Hey, Laney! Someone left you some food outside. We thought we'd bring it in for you!" I blinked two times, processing what they had just said. Bags of food for me? I immediately said to myself, "Oh my word, they shouldn't have gone to the trouble ... I am not in a desperate situation. It will all work out eventually." I guess I haven't had the chance to be on the receiving end of such thoughtful charity.
But I saw the Lord's hand in those bags of groceries. It was an anonymous thing, and I wondered who my benefactor was as I put the contents of the bags in my cupboard. Boxes of macaroni, a huge bag of rice, applesauce, and other food replaced what was once almost bare (my average college diet). This random act of kindness reminded me of God's mercy and love. It reminded me of the goodness that is still in the world. It also reminded me of the responsibility that I have to help those whose needs are so much greater than my own.
I am so grateful to those who have helped me get through the beginning of this semester (which is going to be amazing, by the way). Thank you, anonymous friend that was willing to go out of your way to make my day. Thank you, parents who taught me the value of paying a full tithe. And thank you, Heavenly Father for showering your blessings upon me when I proved you. I do not have the room to receive all of the blessings that He has given me.
For half of it, I was on my mission in Chile. This was definitely a highlight composed of thousands of little daily highlights. I can't begin to mention all of the wonderful bright spots my mission brought to my life. Just like everyone promised me, I think about my mission every day. I dream about my mission every day. It continues to be a huge part of my life. I love the people of Chile. The challenges that I faced on a daily basis, paired with the immense grace I was able to feel from Heavenly Father, helped to change and define who I was as a person.
Sadly, but also awesomely, I came home to experience the biggest challenge of my life. My life. I was at home to see my sister Savannah get her mission call to Bakersfield, California. I went to the temple with her. I taught Sunbeams (the five year olds at church) about repentance and how to appreciate clothes. I spent some time finally learning to knit and getting caught up on the pop culture I missed during my 18 month service as a missionary.
I went to school at BYUI. I was called as the Relief Society president. I made so many friends that shaped and influenced me to become a better person. I learned more about myself and what I want for my future. My classes stretched and helped me to view the world with different eyes. I got closer to Heavenly Father in so many ways -- through scripture study and prayer. I started the process of applying to become an EFY counselor.
It was a beautiful year.
I love it when a New Year happens. It offers a new start -- no matter how crazy a year has been, a new year gives new opportunities. No matter how wonderful a year has been, a new year can hold the promise of a year that is even more spectacular.
It is amazing to think that EVERY PERSON HAS BEEN GIVEN THE SAME 365 DAYS THIS YEAR! But what I made of my year is completely different than the next person because of the choices I did or didn't make. I want to use my time more efficiently this next year in order to learn, grow, and experience even more than I was able to this past year.
It's quite the challenge -- because, like I said, I had a pretty stinking incredible year. But I have a couple of goals for 2016 that I want to accomplish.
So, without further ado, my goals!
1. I am going to get control of my finances! The apostles counseled about this in the past General Conference, so I am going to learn to live by a budget and the principle of SAVING money! Dave Ramsey tapes, here I come.
2. I am going to eat healthily and work out every day. I really want to start forming healthy habits so that it will be easier for me to maintain in the future. I plan on following a meal calendar and taking advantage of the workout classes that are offered at BYUI.
3. I am going to blog once a week! I feel like blogging would offer me a good time to think introspectively and focus on the big lessons that I learn throughout the year.
4. Spiritually, I want to prepare better to keep the Sabbath Day holy by reading the lessons for each class before Sunday. Also, I want to attend the temple once a week!
There are a lot of other things that I want to accomplish in 2016, but for now, I feel like this is a good list to work on! Wow! The potential awesomeness of this year is hitting me right now. I am so grateful that each day is a blank slate that I can write my story on each day. I am especially grateful to Jesus Christ who made that possible. He makes every day possible!
"Country roaaaaaaaaaads, take me hoooooome ..." I could not get the croonings of John Denver out of my head as my dad, Spencer, Savannah and me careened down the iced-over highway of Utah. With the promise that there would be nothing SCARY or LIFE THREATENING in between Provo and the mountains of Colorado, I hopped into the car, more than willing to take over from my dad, who had been driving for more than 24 hours to come and pick me up at school in Idaho. So, with that false hope of safety, I began to drive.
And then the road began to curve and we began to ascend. I felt my ears increase in sensitivity and I felt the tension in the car rising. My dad didn't say anything, but I could tell he was not sleeping, so I assumed the silence stemmed from terror. I couldn't tell if the road was icy, or merely brushed over with the salt mixture that Utahns and Idahoans love to use. I tried to manage my speed based on the trucks that were cautiously driving with their hazard lights on, but it was hard to tell if they were going the appropriate speed because there were also cars that were whizzing past me at high speeds.
I think my dad started to lose a few years of his life prematurely in that canyon mountain thing. He called out for me to find a place to pull over and park so that we could switch places, but there was no place in existence. I couldn't see the signs very well, so I failed to notice that the two lane highway had narrowed to just one lane. A huge semi was suddenly right next to me and I was freaked out.
I am not sure when we exited the canyon. I kind of blocked the memory out already. But I do remember the feeling of relief that came from handing the wheel over to my dad and taking a back seat position of honor. My dad poked fun at me, but I know he knew I did the best that I could. I mean, I think he did. His power to maneuver the situation was so much more than my own, however.
And so it is with Heavenly Father. This semester has been really good in teaching me that Heavenly Father is so capable of guiding my life if I will just let him. If I don't, it's not like my life will be completely messed up. I can still manage ... just barely adequate in my ability to make decisions and to handle my talents. But He definitely can guide me waaaaaay better than I can myself. And in a way that causes a lot less stress.
This semester, I had to a lot that I needed to learn. I needed to learn about my passions, about the way that I demonstrate love to people, and how to choose happiness despite my circumstances. There were moments that I started to feel really comfortable with myself and I began to take my own wheel and drive in the way that I wanted to. I thought that the road would be easy and without bumps ... because I was capable.
But I soon learned that I didn't have things under control. In fact, I lost control. I started getting terrible grades, I had less than satisfactory relationships with the people around me, and I wasn't really able to handle my callings. I was lacking balance. I gripped the wheel with terror, trying desperately to get back on track, but feeling really stressed out.
In those moments, I chose to turn to the Lord. I literally cried out, "JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!!" I studied the scriptures with more intensity than I have ever read in my life. I prayed for strength and to have my heart healed. I changed my perspective to be able to see my trials as building blocks instead of stumbling blocks. I gave my life over the Lord and I found so much satisfaction in what he was able to do with my life. I ended my semester back on track, thanks to the heavenly assistance that Heavenly Father was able to give me.
I'm reading in the Book of Mormon in 3 Nephi right now. This is the BEST part of the Book of Mormon because it describes Jesus's visit to the Americas. I love the pure simplicity of the doctrine that he teaches. In his second sermon to the Nephites, he talks about the promises that was made to the people of Israel. One promise that he made stuck out to me as I was reading today:
"For I will go before them, saith the Father, and I will be their rearward."
I love this description. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father leads me in my life. He gives me little impressions about my decisions every day that help me to know that. He has helped me to know what I need to study, who I need to be friends with and date, what I need to accomplish on a day to day basis. He guides my life with such precision that I can't begin to understand how wonderful it will be when my life is over.
I also know that Heavenly Father has got my back. He supports and uplifts me in my righteous decisions. He helped me all semester with my calling as Relief Society president. He supported me through my trials, especially on the days when I felt lonely or afraid. He sent angels in the form of great friends and family to sustain me when I was weak. He gave me amazing professors and leaders that gave me advice and helped me to gain my academic and professional confidence back.
The road was bumpy and icy this semester (literally and spiritually and in every way actually), but Heavenly Father was always there for me. That was the most personal and beautiful lesson that I could have learned during my second semester of college. It is going to help me throughout my life -- because life is a highway (hahahahahah, so many country road songs) and it is taking me home, to my heavenly home. I am so grateful for this knowledge, and the safety and happiness it gives me despite the challenges that I face.
My awesome roommates (plus Kaesi, minus Chelsea [who graduated this semester and was super busy with homework when this pic was taken]). It certainly was a pleasure living with them this semester!!
My Relief Society -- I love them so much!!
One of my very best partners in mild crime this semester -- Kaesi! She made me such a better person and helped me to experience new things!
The Escape House -- so, basically you are locked in a room and you have an hour to escape. It was super fun -- and the company was AWESOME! :)
I got the chance to teach my favorite little sunbeams on Sunday! They are the cutest and are growing up so much! No longer are they the squirrely three year olds I taught over the summer! They are little grown ups. I adore them!
We got a visit from Santa ... which was awesome. I asked for a ring (JUST KIDDING).
Wow. It's been a while since I have written anything. I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I just haven't had any words to describe exactly how I feel as a recently returned missionary. It is a crazy and emotional ride, but it is good.
I am happy to be home.
I remember that the first day that I was home, I felt pretty lost. Sometimes I still feel a little lost. I mean, we go from having every single minute planned out for every day ... to nothing. We go from trying to avoid all types of worldly entertainment to watching Frozen and listening to the Radio and dancing ... and it's hard to catch your ground.
Talking to people about my mission was a little weird, too. Everyone asks, "So, how was your mission?" which is a wonderful question. Everyone continues to show so much interest in a part of my life that was SO IMPORTANT to me. But every time I looked for an answer to that question, I felt the familiar answer, "It was so awesome, thanks!" come up. When that doesn't even begin to describe how grateful I am for my mission and how changed I am. It's frustrating not being able to communicate that ... but it is still awesome to talk to people about the mission. It's the best!
Another weird thing -- I feel like I have never left my house. My mission was like a long, Spanish filled dream. It was sweet and wonderful and uplifting, but it was so strange to come off that plane and feel as though nothing had even happened. I slipped back into being at home and doing normal things so easily that it worried me a little bit. Shouldn't this be harder? But that's really silly ... of course, Heavenly Father helps everything to be a lot easier. Even though it feels like my mission was a crazy dream, the wonderful thing is that I KNOW that my mission happened. And I can feel that I changed.
I guess I expected to have some earthquake experience where I knew that everything had changed and to feel a little devastated about not being in the mission anymore. But I feel so hopeful and good about the future. It is so bright! I have so many wonderful things that are getting ready to happen in my life ... which helps me a little bit to find tranquility.
Since I've been back, I have kept myself busy. I am learning how to knit, reading self-help books, reading the scriptures deeper than I ever have before ... I am cleaning and baking and working out and making appointments and signing up for classes. I am going out with the sister missionaries. I am subbing at church for the Primary and staying active with the Young Single Adults.
I keep busy and that has helped a lot in my transition.
And I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. But I am learning them for the eternities. This week, I thought a lot about perfection.
One of my dearest, dearest friends in the mission told me that she had been reading my blog (she was a youth from the branch I was serving in). It had been a really hard time and it kind of hurt me that she was reading about my experiences ... because I wanted to keep up the game face that said that everything was perfect in Hermana Blau Land. I asked her what she thought of my blog she said, "I LOVE it! I love reading about your experiences." She hugged me so tightly and then whispered, "But you're a bit of a perfectionist. You are doing a wonderful job here. Let perfection go."
I will always remember that huge hug and that advice. Perfectionism is a hard thing that is disguised as a Christ-like attribute. I mean, obviously we are supposed to be like Jesus Christ, who was PERFECT. But I feel like perfectionism forces people to try and fix their own weaknesses and problems and to not rely as fully on the enabling power that Jesus Christ can give all of us if we just ASK.
I think that the deepest things that I learned as I pondered about my mission is that it wasn't perfect. I mean, I don't think that anyone has a 100 percent perfect journey on a mission ... just like not a single person who has ever lived on this earth has had a 100 percent perfect, without bumps journey through life. But I have come to trust that it is okay. I did a good job. I tried the best that I could. I was able to love and help so many people.
And somewhere in all of my crazy, beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and every other good describing word that I can't remember (because my English is still struggling) mission, I was able to learn of Heavenly Father's love and his grace.
It's enough. I let the lack of perfection go, and I found a little world of perfection anyways. That's the best feeling.
So, I feel happy. I feel like I am transitioning well. I am having new experiences every day. I continue to learn. With all of the weirdness of being an RM, it is still really really awesome. It is great to know that I was once part of God's army ... and that the work continues. It is awesome to be with my family. It is awesome that Chile won the Copa America.
I finished. I finished my mission and I finished it working hard. I don't even know how to feel right now. To be honest, I don't feel anything except a happiness that is a lot bigger than my heart knows how to handle. I feel like my mission has been a perfect perfect perfect way to start my adulthood. I am so grateful for the time that Heavenly Father has given me to be here in Chile and to love these people and serve them. It has been the best! I can't wait to see what other adventures Heavenly Father has in store for me. I want to know what the will of the Lord is and do it. Because, really, in the end, what He wants is the only thing that matters.
I'm leaving tomorrow in the morning. We're going to the temple and then I am going to get on a plane to come home. I'll see you really soon.
We had a zone activity today that was great. We got special permission from Presidente to watch The Best Two years and it has me a little bit nostalgic. The Elder in the end of the movie goes home ... and he says, "You have to enjoy every moment. It goes by so fast." And it does.
It's been a good ride.
I guess that this could be the last email that I send home. I can't believe that. I can't believe that I am about to leave this country and these people that I love so much. I have spent 18 months of my life serving the Lord and it has been so hard ... but I have loved EVERY MINUTE of it.
French toast and The Best Two Years. It was a great activity!
This past cambio, Hermana Parkin and I have been working so so so hard together. We have been trying to give our best efforts to the Lord and He has been blessing us so much!
We had a great Sister Study on Saturday. Hermana Parkin and I have been planning it for weeks. When we were walking in the streets, in the time that we weren't calling people to set up appointments and calling members to come with us to said appointments, we were talking about how we could make it a super special experience for the Hermanas.
We decided to have a tea party. Hermana Parkin loves to plan things like that, so we went out and bought a TON of cute things to make it amazing. We printed out little tea pots, made brownies and finger sandwiches, and just really tried to make it different than all of the other studies that we do in the mission.
Our table for the tea party.
It was a complete success! The Hermanas could definitely tell that we put a lot of effort into the party and I think they could feel how much we love and care about them. It was a great way to start off our spiritual lesson about the principle of return and report.
We started out reading our mission calls silently and then we talked about the blessings that are promised and the things that we have to do to gain these blessings. I started to cry as I realized that all of those blessings promised and more have been realized in my mission. It was an amazing feeling.
I think that it is that same feeling that I felt when I was leaving the MTC and I realized that I didn't have any regrets. I feel that same way. I don't feel afraid to end the mission ... I just feel really really really grateful. I am so grateful for this time that the Lord has lended me to be able to serve Him. I know that I am not perfect, but I also know that He has never expected me to be perfect. I feel like He accepts what I have done so far ...
I am bracing myself to make the transition. I never ever deny that I am leaving when the people ask me ... instead, I say, "Yeah, I am leaving in a week, thank you!" And then when they ask me how I feel, I tell them how grateful I am to be a missionary and how hard I am going to work so that the next couple of days are the best of my mission.
The thing is, I don't think that I am done being a missionary. I am never going to be done being a missionary. I am never going to stop working to be more and more consecrated. I am never going to go inactive from the church. I am never going to lose the enthusiasm and wonder that I feel for the gospel. I fasted for that this week ... and it was such a great experience.
Hermana Dominguez, the newbie I was with for the
newbie conference this cambio! She is from Mexico and is
super awesome! We had a lot of success together!
En fin, I am a happy individual right now and always. I am so grateful for the life that my Heavenly Father has given me and I think that the reason why I am so greatful is because I never expected how it would turn out. I have worked so so so hard to know what the will of the Lord is in my life ... I feel like ever since I went to EFY as a teenager that has been my constant quest. I have worked hard in my mission. I have tried the best that I have known how to do ... and I know that I have received blessings for that.
I have grown to love a people and a country that had hardly ever crossed my mind before. I have learned a new language. I have learned a lot about the gospel and about how to share it. Even though I can't really tell, and even though I feel like progress is really slow sometimes, I know that I am a different person than when I left home. I feel a little more mature and grounded. I know that as I keep trying to make righteous decisions, I will be able to keep growing to reach my full potential.
Zone Leaders and Sister Training Leaders who are getting
ready to leave the mission.
This next week that comes is going to be crazy. We are going to have two mini cambios, three activities in the ward, ward conference, Lieslie's baptism!!!!, and my last interview as a missionary. I am so excited for the things that are coming. I feel like part of faith is knowing that there are way better things ahead than the things that we are leaving behind. I know that it's true. The future is BRIGHT!! :)
I love you so much! I hope that you have a great one ... and I'll be seeing you and hugging you real soon. :)
Con mucho amor from this side of the globe,
Hermana Blau
They put our names on the board when we are getting ready to go.
Just after taking the picture I erased my name. haha
I wanted to start off my letter saying how much I really love you guys. I know I say it every letter that I send home, but I love love love you all. I really can feel your support and it has kept me sane and happy. What on earth would I do without my family?
We had a mini cambio this week that was interesting. I was with Hermana G, that has been struggling a long time in her mission with different things. We get along sooo well, so on this mini-cambio, I had a secret mission to see what was going on with her and to see how we could really help her.
For some reason during the mini-cambio, we were not able to get into many houses. Everyone that we had plans to visit were away on vacations. Here in Penco, this doesn't happen very often. We usually are always running to citas and we don't really have moments where we ask ourselves what we need to do next ... but I found myself wondering ... whhhhhhhhhy?
It ended up being okay, because we were able to talk a lot. We talked about everything that has been happening with her. I swear, I have never felt so much love and compassion for someone in my entire life. With Hermana G, it is impossible for me to see her flaws in a dark light. I feel so much love for her that it just hurts me to see her hurting. Seriously, I don't think I have ever felt charity until I started trying to understand her and help her out.
We still don't have a great solution to her problems because she doesn't really like accepting help. But I feel like giving more and more love always helps. It's such an interesting thing that I am learning.
Another thing. This week, we continued teaching Claudia with her four kids. These girls are sooo crazy, but I love them so much and have a lot of patience with them. During the lessons, they are soooo wild and it makes it impossible to teach them. Usually what happens is that Hermana Romney takes over the doctrine part while I just let the girls color in my agenda/braid their hair/feed them cookies ... anything so that their mom can feel the spirit.
We had a kind of Sound of Music moment on Friday. We were walking home with the family from a Noche de Hogar and the girls wanted to run ahead. So I grabbed their hands and ran and laughed and joked with them. I was just like Maria. Something that I have realized here in that I love love love working with kids. I love it so much. I love THEM so much. They really are so quick to accept and forgive. It is so true that we have to become like a child to enter into the kingdom of God.
Something that I forgot to mention last week was that Sacrament meeting with a lot of investigators is a fun experience. Especially when there are a lot of kids. We came with the coloring books and cookies that Mom sent me. We came with sooooo many crayons. And basically, we were there just to be the moms for an hour so that their mom could have a spiritual experience. It was sooo much fun to take care of these kids. It's a riot ... even though it is a little stressful, I just giggled and giggled. Reverence is in the eyes of the beholder. I feel like one of the most reverent sacrament meetings that I have had in Chile has been with these girls.
I had to give my first talk in Penco yesterday. It was a'ight. I love public speaking. I am getting to be a little bit better. More natural. Less planning. More stories. More following the spirit. I just talked about being doers of the word and not hearers only. That is a BIG thing here in Chile. A lot of people just go to church to fill the pew ... but I have learned that living the Gospel is so much more than that.
But the really cool part of Sacrament meeting was AFTERWORDS. Presidente Navarro from Frutillares was there visiting to do some ward business. He got up and said, "Hermana Blau has been a blessing in my life and in the life of the members of Frutillares." He talked about the assistence of the church and how it is booming there. I was beaming with pride for my little sector.
What's more ... He said, "But the really great thing that Hermana Blau did was this ... she trained a new missionary named Hermana Caceres ... and together they found a good man (AKA MANUEL). He is baptized now and just so Hermana Blau knows he continues faithful in the church." I lost it. I just started to cry and Macarena (the daughter of Claudia that is 15) just wrapped her arms around me without really understanding why I was crying.
I was sooo happy in that moment. Frutillares was WORTH IT. 100 percent. I only kind of remember the hard moments. It was all worth it in the end. Just for this one good man that I found and didn't even baptise. All worth it.
Another moment when I was really happy this week. We had a zone conference and watched MEET THE MORMONS! I started to cry when I heard that we were going to get to watch it because I was so happy. (Maybe I am just a little bit emotional this week ... qué sé yo?) It was soooooo good. AND DAVID ARCHULETA SANG GLORIOUS IN SPANISH. Wonderful!!
Sooo, I am happy. I feel good. We are still working with a lot of good people and are helping a lot of people to come unto Christ. With diligence and faith, we are seeing a lot of miracles. We are in Chillan right now and it is sooo weird because it makes me sooo nostalgic ... even though I really wasn't here that much time. I don't even know if the people remember me here, but I will never forget it. I will never forget my mission. I love it. I love being here! Best decision of my life.
I hope that you have a great week! I love you all soooo much!! Besitos y abrasitos!!
Dodgeball tournament today. We won team spirit (because we lost against all of the zones with all boys).
Area: Penco Companion: Hermana Romney Hermana Romney's Blog: Church and Cookies!
Familia ...
Something amazing happened this week. Yesterday, we woke up and the weather was perfect. 75 degrees and clear clear blue skys. The sea was super turquoise -- just GORGEOUS. I knew, knew, knew that we were going to have a good day. And a good day we had. At Sacrament meeting, we were just waiting for all of our little families to come in. The opening prayer happened. The announcements. Waiting, waiting ... and then they came. And they didn't stop coming.
We had 7 investigators in church this week. And five of them with fecha. We also had 126 people in church this week ... which is something that hasn't happened in Crav for a LONG time. PROGRESS. All of the members are so excited and we are too. The mission is changing its focus more and more every day to where we are working with the members to see REAL growth. And it just keeps growing. I love making a difference.
at a class with Elder Scholes
This week, we were able to show the members how much we really love them. We went to a funeral of a family member of one of our menos activo families and they were SOOO grateful. It was a crazy awesome experience because we got to participate in the service. In funerals here in Penco (it only happens here), everyone gets behind the hearse and walks to the cemetery. There, they hold the service and sing songs and all that jazz. It was amazing! I felt the spirit sooo strongly that our families can be together forever ... if we strive to be worthy, it is totally possible. It is!!
That is something that I am completely sure of now. I have always known that our families can be together forever. I love that song from primary and I always have. But ... I feel like here, I have reached such a weird point. I depend soooo much on Heavenly Father that I completely trust that he is in control. That whatever happens at home is what is supposed to happen and that he is in control. I know that it is true!
Training activity about effectively using ward councils
Laney's kind of hidden, but she is in the middle of the picture
We did exchanges with the Hermanas in our house. It was so fun. I love being a STL because I get to help sooo much more, I feel like. It helps me to be more confident in my abilities and that confidence helps me to be a better missionary. We are having some problems with the Hermanas getting along and working super diligently, but I have become a great active listener ... it is awesome to see the results!
With Hermana Romney, we talk a LOT about things we have learned on the mission. She is really reflecting as we get nearer and nearer to the end of her mission. I find myself saying on a regular basis, "I really have learned ... on the mission." Did you know that I have learned a lot? I feel like I have learned a life time of lessons in a year. It hasn't been sooo easy, but it has been oh so worth it.
I really have learned to not wait to be happy on the mission. That is something that I have learned here in Penco really. I knew only AFTER I left Frutillares how much the people loved me ... and that makes me so sad. I wish that I would have enjoyed it more. I wish that I would have recognized the love there while I had it instead of worrying about the things that I might have been doing incorrectly. I feel like I have changed that one hundred percent here and I feel soo much happier. I always have had the things that I have needed to be happy ... I just waited to use them until it was too late. That has been a good lesson.
I have learned to do hard things on the mission. I have never missed a day of going out to work ... no matter how rainy/gloomy/windy/etc. No matter how tired I am. No matter the amount of investigators that we have been working with. It has been soooo hard some days. But every time I do something that I really don't want to, I get so much stronger. I am a lot stronger now than I was before and I love it.
I have learned to get along with all people on the mission. I have developed a lot of patience with investigators and companions and people in general. I have learned to love people in spite of the differences we have. I love every single Chilean that I come into contact with. I adore them! I love the members. I love the little kids. I love the drunk men. I love my companions. I have so much love in my heart!! That is something that I never ever want to forget!
I have learned to trust in the Lord on the mission. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart -- That is my favorite scripture. I feel like I have really tried to follow the spirit in my life. I have tried sooo hard to live worthy of that spirit. But I have never had to depend on the Lord so much in my life like I have had to in the mission. It would be impossible to be a missionary without the Lord. It would be too hard. I would be sooo sad. I would not have energy or patience ... I wouldn't be able to do it.
But I have seen amazing things as I have learned to depend on Him. I have seen miracles. I have felt a mighty change of heart ... without even realizing that it happened. I have prayed and prayed and prayed ... and I have received answers. Heavenly Father knows who I am. He has directed my paths every day for almost 13 months. And that guidance is so so sweet. He has made so much more of me than I could ever make of myself on my own -- and he will continue to do that.
I came on the mission with only that as a goal. I just wanted to know Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father more. And I do! I am not even close to finishing the things that I need to learn on my mission, but I feel like I know. I KNOW that this is the true church. I know it with all of my heart and I bear my testimony to these Chilean people and they can HEAR it in my voice. I KNOW! And that is the greatest thing that I have learned on my mission.
It was a great week and I know that the weeks are just going to keep getting better. We are expecting great things here! Thanks for all of your prayers! I feel them every day! I love you and hope that you guys have a GREAT WEEK!!!
[Mom note: This is an email Laney received from one of her zone leaders in the MTC (CCM). It came at the absolute perfect time. Heavenly Father truly knows who we are, what we are going through, and what we need to keep going. Love this!]
Hermana Blau,
Hey long time no see! I had kind of a special experience this week and it involved your letters addressed to me from the good old days in the CCM. The thing is with every good story we got to build the background first. So without any further ado....
Well I have been struggling lately. I am in a sector called Guaranda. I am literally 2 hours away from any zone meetings I have and my companion has been a real test for me. We had changes two Sundays past. He and i stay another change and he gets made the District Leader. He had pretty much lost all desires to work and now I have another change with him. I feel down. I have been really really sick spitting out blood. I am Really down. I am not generating the Spirit like I used too. I don`t have unity with him at all. Every day my comp just says things that get me down. I don`t really have anyone to talk with about it since my parents always give an encouraging Suck It UP. We have some really rough days without too many lessons. Getting the picture?
Now comes the part where something cool happens.I am sitting down at my desk and my companion, out of nowhere, tells me to read a poem. I read it aloud. It was about a missionary who had really tough days then prayed and had a vision where Christ talks about everyone of his problems and compares it to His life. For ex. my aching hands... Well i know how you feel. It hurt a lot when they pierced my hand to the cross. It was cool. Sparked something. My companion goes to bed and well I feel I need to go through the letters I have from people. I found these words. `` i know god is there. i know he loves you. if you can`t feel it please know that i can. i can feel his love for you. all he wants is for you to live happily. and he wants to help you! please let him help you. we love you elder! do not be afraid to ask for help from us... or from god. god never abandons his children. he never leaves you alone. he can, however, be pushed away. don`t push him out of your life. it takes hard times for us to know the good ones. opposition allows us to know that things may be hard but one day soon, they will get better. i have felt him carrying me through so many rocky shares in my life. he will do the same for you as you find yourself humble enough to ask for help: from god, from your companion, from your leaders, and from your fellow missionaries. we are always here for you.`` (i wrote this exactly how you did in the letter) The only problem was this letter was not signed by anyone. Luckily, I found the note that you said I feel inspired to write this to you and compared them side by side. I found it was yours since you underlined words. Then i knelt down and prayed. I finally let him in. Honestly I have never been so thankful for someone just for following a prompting. I don`t know your numbers. I don`t know if you feel like a successful missionary (though i doubt it because you totally rock) . I don`t really know why these things happen. Just know that if nothing else in a way you have converted me. I am forever thankful. I wish I could do something for you. Well know that I don`t really care what anybody else says. HERMANA BLAU is a SOLID MISSIONARY. I send respect your way.
Now the end. As soon as I did this the next day I felt the sickness go away. It was all thanks to Him. No medication could have helped or any doctor for that matter. The stuff that bugs me about my companion now I really enjoy. My burden is lifted all thanks to an inspired note. Sorry this is so long. Thank you. Really I think you have saved me. Now you can definitely say that you have converted a missionary. If you need anything let me know. You would be surprised of what I can pull off here. You`re right. He is there. He wants to help. He will take away your weight if you let him. Now i see that by small and simple things such as a letter you can literally change someones` future. May you ever be in the infinite love of Him is my prayer. In the name of Jesus Christ amen.
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