inside my infertility

The words, “I’m pregnant,” evoke contradictory emotions as I hear them. Genuine happiness for the speaker. Genuine sorrow and pity for myself. Another friend, sister, or relative entering that sacred sisterhood that I would join in a heartbeat if I only knew how to convince my body to let me. 

Sometimes hearing the news of another pregnancy fills me with disappointment, mixed with a healthy dose of guilt and shame … for feeling disappointed. The injustice of my suffering engulfs me. How can I NOT feel happy for my dear, highly capable friends who have been given the opportunity to parent? On the other hand, how does God allow so many children to enter the world to mothers who are unprepared or unwilling and denies me the privilege, even when I’ve prepared my whole life for that ennobling purpose? 

These feelings creep up and then they pass. They creep up when I hear someone say, “We tried for a few months to get pregnant and the wait was so difficult.” (A. FEW. MONTHS? In the back of my mind: “Try waiting for three years…”). They creep up at baby showers when the time comes for each woman in the room to give advice to the new mother. (In the back of my mind: “What kind of advice can I contribute?”). They creep up with little comments like, “I never knew real, Christ-like love until I had my first child.” (In the back of my mind: “Will I never get to experience real, Christ-like love?).

But those feelings pass. Ryan and I are enjoying this time that we have to spend just with each other, and we have loved the flexibility of our current situation. I find immense joy and satisfaction as a Kindergarten teacher.

So, unexplained infertility--and the contradictory emotions that come with it--is complex. It’s difficult … even though it’s not a life threatening illness and doesn’t feel that hard at times. There are no visible side effects and my life is basically normal. I suppose it is a little lonely … because nobody talks about it (even if they have struggled with fertility, too). Infertility is a deep expectation unmet that is totally beyond my control. And, I’ll admit … it hurts a little bit.

But I believe that the purpose of this life is to become more like God. AND if I am to be like God, I cannot live forever in fear that I will face a trial that will hurt. Christ suffered everything so that He could sit with me in my suffering. He’s been there. He knows me and will give me peace. I know I am already a “mother” to so many, and I know that motherhood is in my future. That’s pretty exciting! Because of Christ, whatever heartache I experience along the way will be for my good.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart … and he shall direct thy paths.”

life recently, ft. Ryan

Blogging is so interesting ... because I don't write when I feel like I have nothing to write because life is dull and I don't write when I feel like I have too much to write because life is so exciting. Recently, I haven't been blogging for the latter. In fact, I don't think I've had a period of time that was this exciting for a long time. This can be attributed to a new character in the Molly Mormon Saga: Ryan.

World, meet Ryan.

As you can tell from the picture, he's handsome. What you might not be able to discern from this picture is the vibrancy and color that he manages to weave into my life every. single. day. I am overwhelmed by the blessing that he is in my life. I want to give the world a small taste of how wonderful this man is, but I'm struggling to find the words. Because a descriptive list of his positive attributes would probably stretch longer than the Wall of China ... and because he's going to be featured in many blog posts to come ... maybe I'll just share a couple of stories to fill you in on the strokes of luck that led to the happiness that is life recently (ft. Ryan).

JUNE 2016

Twenty-four sweaty and enthusiastic teenagers are playing one of the many games found in the EFY handbook. They don't understand the relevance of being captained through a "mine-field" of their peers, but they are thoroughly enjoying it. I look over at my co-counselor and motion that we should wrap up the game. He calls everyone to attention with a whistle and the participants gather without missing a beat. They respect him and they listen to his explanation of the game with rapt attention.

Even though I didn't know it then, I think I fell a little bit in love with Ryan that day. I didn't know that he had a girlfriend at the time. To be honest, I didn't project any kind of future with him because I was going back up to BYU-Idaho after finishing EFY. But I saw the respect of the teenagers and thought ... man, I hope I can end up with someone like this someday.

NOVEMBER 2016

I dial the number of my friend in Provo. I call with a couple of intentions ... partly to catch up, but mostly to find out what kind of housing is available in Provo for the winter semester. After EFY, I have been the worst at keeping in touch with the friends I made over the summer. I assume that it's just a normal characteristic of the summer camp experience. This friend, however, keeps popping up, especially because we have mutual friends that attend BYU-Idaho. After some chit-chat about the weather and classes and life, I ask if he would be able to scout out some housing. He contacts me shortly after with a couple of vacancies in his ward. The conversation is brief but pleasant.

Even though I didn't know it then, I think I feel a little bit in love with Ryan that day. I wasn't sure what my future was going to look like. I had accepted my admission to BYU and was planning to transfer in the winter, but there were so many unknown variables. I didn't know where I was going to live, what I was going to study, or how life was going to look as soon as I left the security of Rexburg, Idaho. I was dating a great guy, but I was unsure of how that relationship would pan out with an impending period of long distance looming on the horizon. But I knew that I would have at least one friend in Provo, so I felt a little less apprehensive about the change.

JANUARY 2017

I trudge through the snow to my Portuguese class, trying desperately to avoid the embarrassment that comes from slipping on campus. I can feel the excitement of being in a new place with new opportunities being replaced by feelings of loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. As I climb the stairs, I see a familiar figure. We're both late to our 8 o'clock class, but he makes time to talk to me for a little bit longer than a "Hey, how are you?" and I make time to talk for a little bit longer than, "So, where are you headed?" We part ways.

This experience happened a couple of times my first semester at BYU. Even though I didn't know it then, I think I fell a little bit in love with Ryan those days. No matter the time of day, Ryan had an energy that was contagious. I didn't expect to run into him on the way to class, but when I did, I was always pleasantly surprised by his good humor and his genuine interest.

JUNE 2017-OCTOBER 2017

Random encounters. I see him at the MTC. I see him walking to the library on campus.

Even though I didn't know it then, I think I fell a little bit in love with Ryan those days. Looking back, I feel like those little encounters were just enough to maintain our friendship. Despite the fact that we only had general, "How are you?" conversations once every couple of months, I continued to be impressed with Ryan.

My summer was fraught with relationship drama, and I went into the semester with a jaded outlook on the Provo dating culture. I felt helpless when it came to my love life and began focusing my energy to building a career, a path that was a little less ambiguous and that I felt I had control over. I started planning to go to China for the first half of 2018. I began making plans to graduate ASAP and then begin a Master's degree.

One day, I was praying to know what I should do with my life and I found myself saying, "Heavenly Father ... I just want to find a good boy. Please help me to find a good boy." My prayer surprised me, especially considering the fact that I was trying to figure out if I should pay the deposit to go to China or not. What was even more surprising was that Ryan texted me the next day with an invitation to go to a concert. I wanted to go ... but I couldn't. So we set up a date to a hockey game later that week ... and I fell, more than a little bit, in love with Ryan.

And so began the happiest period of my life that continues to this day.

Ryan and I have had all kinds of adventures the past couple of months. We've gone hiking. We've sung karaoke. We've run miles and miles and miles together. We've read books and hammocked (sometimes at the same time). We've road tripped to Washington. We've gone to concerts and plays. We've attended hockey games and have played broom hockey. He's taught me to rock climb and to appreciate soccer and to enjoy life to the fullest. We've watched all kinds of movies. We've eaten so many creative, college-budget friendly meals together. We've seen the Christmas lights on Temple Square. We've laughed and laughed and laughed.

Though we've had so many random experiences the past year and a half, I can't point to any one point of our friendship/relationship and say, "That was the moment it happened. That was when I fell in love." But I think that's the most adventurous part of dating Ryan. No matter what we do, I've come to realize that I fall a little bit more in love with him every day. I'll be the first to admit that this is beyond cheesy. It's beyond cliche. Words cannot describe what it's like to experience so much of life with a single person.

Get ready for it, world. Blog posts of incoherent bliss are surely ahead of us, but I hope that life recently (ft. Ryan) is here to stay. :)

the perfect offering

I haven't blogged in a while ...

And this is where I put in a ton of excuses like, "Oh, you know, life is just crazy!" or "Eh, I don't really have anything worth saying."

All excuses aside, the truth is that I hesitate blogging because I want to wait for the prime opportunity. I want to have a flurry of thoughts that I can't HELP but share with the world. I want to be inspirational. In short, I don't write because I'm worried about delivering anything less than perfection.

A casual glance at decisions in my life would reveal a bit of this same tendency. Cafe Rio lines are about the worst thing in the world because I have time to think about the big decision that is "What will I eat today?" and I fear that if I don't buy the perfect thing, I will be doomed to a meaningless existence for the rest of my life. I've spent a lot of time in my past life waiting for perfect conditions in order to become a perfect person. I sometimes hesitate to put my all into something until I am sure that it will give me the perfected results I desire.

I'm learning that there is no such thing as that perfect moment. There is no such thing as a perfect person. There is no such thing as the perfect plate at Cafe Rio (because, let's be real, every plate at Cafe Rio is perfect). I'm also learning that imperfection is beauty. It is interesting and exhilarating. It is a growth experience, because every imperfection that I live is a chance for the Savior to reach out with mercy and power in order to perfect what I have to offer. That is how His light is able to enter my life.

So, I blog this out to the universe. Not because this was a perfect moment to blog ... but because I want to take every opportunity that I can to help people to understand that the Savior's grace is for EVERY SINGLE IMPERFECT PERSON! He is strength. He is support. He is perfection.

a summer in review

The air is crisp and my sweaters are coming out of hibernation. Pumpkin spice candles and drives through the colorful canyons are just around the corner ... and I am ecstatic. At the changing of seasons, however, I can't help but take a minute to reflect on what an amazing summer I had this year.

This summer, I read. I read books that enlightened. I read books that entertained. I read books from my childhood. I read books that kept me awake at night because I was so fired up about the ideas that they gave me. These books played a huge role in the development of my soul. For that, I am grateful.

This summer, I ran. I ran and I ran and I ran. Earlier in the year, I set a goal to run a half-marathon and put in some half-hearted effort during the semester to achieve said goal. With my new summer schedule of only working part-time, I found huge chunks of unoccupied time. Running long distances helped me to fill that time, but it also helped me in so many other ways. Running a half-marathon taught me that I can push myself and endure. For that, I am grateful.

This summer, I climbed mountains (both literally and figuratively). I saw the beautiful world that is out my back door. I explored by myself and with people that have become some of my dearest friends. I faced challenges by simply going forward, one step at a time. I learned how capable I am of doing hard things and being able to still appreciate the views that surround me. For that, I am grateful.

This summer, I loved. I loved my missionaries that I had the opportunity to teach in the MTC. I loved my family members and was able to spend quality time at home. I loved my friends and roommates with all of my heart. I hosted karaoke parties and ate completos in good company. I used to have a hard time defining what I like to do ... but I learned this summer that my dearest and deepest hobby is loving others. For that, I am grateful.

This summer, I learned to trust Heavenly Father. Again and again and again, I learn the same lesson. At the beginning of the summer, I had to decide whether or not I would work continue to work for the MTC or if I would quit for the summer to do EFY again. Even though making the decision between two good things might seem like a silly thing to have anxiety about, it was such a difficult decision for me. I ultimately felt like I needed to stay at the MTC. I wasn't sure why, but I knew that that was the decision that Heavenly Father wanted me to make ... even with that knowledge, I cried as I declined my EFY contracts.

However, like always, Heavenly Father could see so much more than I could. I had so many incredible experiences this summer that would have been impossible had I decided to work for EFY. I wouldn't have been able to see my brother in the MTC as he prepared for his two year mission in Poland. I wouldn't have been able to be on our ward Ultimate Frisbee team. I wouldn't have been able to explore or read or run. I couldn't possibly have foreseen those experiences in April when I made the decision, but Heavenly Father could. He knows me. For that, I am grateful.

my doors are unlocked

My beat up pick-up truck winks at night ... one of the headlights is broken. The engine sputters and shuts off randomly while I'm driving. The defrost heater works (hallelujah), but the AC is long gone. However, I call it Charity because it's been going for 278,000 miles and it still hasn't failed. Even though Charity is a weird little car, I love her. She's been good to me.

One morning a couple of months ago, I woke up to find that someone had broken into Charity. Nothing was broken, but the scent of cigarette smoke and my more-than-normally disheveled glove box clued me into the fact that an unknown person was rifling through my car.

Creepy, right? I was definitely creeped out by this situation. Someone that I didn't know had been in my car! The incident was a complete surprise to me.

But, at the same time, it wasn't unexpected ... after all, I leave my doors unlocked.

For you city-folk that are crying out in protest, I promise that there is a little explanation to my madness. When I lived nestled into the rolling hills of Missouri, my dad attached the keys to the stick ... because I had (ahem ... have) the uncanny ability to lose everything. I trusted my neighbors, I trusted my friends at school, I trusted the random people of Walmart. So I left the keys in the car and I left it unlocked, often with the windows rolled down.

That habit stuck with me when I migrated to Rexburg. I still trusted my neighbors, my friends at school, and the random people of Walmart. I started carrying a purse (so the keys being attached to the stick was no longer necessary), but I left the doors unlocked. I practically invited people to steal my car as a favor to me ... but nothing happened.

I guess that's why the random betrayal of trust in the dead of night was so unexpected. As I installed a new air freshener and wiped down Charity's cracked windshield, I realized that I had a choice to make. I could either be extra vigilant in locking my car every time I left it ... or I could decide to find renewed trust and keep living my life as if nothing had ever happened.

I'm learning that my heart is a little bit like my truck. It's a little bit battered. It's a little bit weird. But I love it. It's been good to me and has kept me moving for the past 22 years. I engage my heart in everything that I do, a quality that has brought me a lot of satisfaction. I try to keep my heart unlocked and to love the people that I come into contact with as much as possible.

Most of the time, leaving my heart open has brought me more happiness than I could have ever imagined. Loving people has become my hobby. There are times, however, that I wake up to find my heart in a similar condition to my disheveled glove box. The experience stinks worse than the smell of cigarette smoke. The choice that I face after those moments is similar to the choice I faced after the break-in ... I can choose to lock my heart and withhold love ... or to find renewed trust and keep living life unlocked.

You can guess which option I chose in both scenarios.

My truck (and my heart) is still unlocked.

adventures in bible reading: bind my broken heart

ACTION ITEM for last week: Prepare to listen to the words of the Prophet by pondering questions that I have and by studying previous General Conference talks.

CONFERENCE IS THIS WEEKEND! It's almost like a Mormon TEDTalk experience ... except three thousand times cooler. I have been preparing myself to listen to the words of the living Prophet and it has PUMPED ME UP. Sure, I have a paper due on Saturday. Sure, I could use the weekend to climb mountains. Even with all of the fun options that studying in Provo has to offer, there is nothing else I would rather do than receive instruction from Heavenly Father!

On a little bit of a different note, I have been LOVING the opportunity to study the Bible more in depth and to apply it to my life. The Old Testament still is a little intimidating, but doing these challenges every week has helped me to understand that ALL scripture is INSPIRED and that Heavenly Father has specific messages for me. If I am willing to look, He has hidden little golden nuggets of inspiration waiting to be found.

A couple of weeks ago, on top of the other challenge that I was in the process of completing, I started to pray for humility. Because I associate humility with people like Job (who suffered quite a bit), the thought of praying for those types of experiences gave me anxiety. However, these past couple of weeks haven't been awful. In fact, I felt that praying for humility was helping me to focus better in every aspect of my life.

Until this past week.

I don't know why, but I was not feeling incredibly motivated. I woke up in the morning, I went to school, I went to work, I studied, I went to bed ... repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I felt a lack of power and divine help. I guess that's how the middle of the semester is for most people, but it felt foreign to me after so many weeks of incredible, spiritually-uplifting experiences.

On Tuesday, I went to class in a similar funk. I was prepared to drudge through the day, to endure. In my Old Testament class, however, I was able to feel lifted from the funk by a scripture from Ezekiel.

FROM EZEKIEL? I have never taken the time to study this book because parts of it are REALLY difficult to understand. In fact, even after studying it for a whole week, parts of Ezekiel are still really difficult. Despite that, I was able to find a truth hidden within all of that craziness.

Ezekiel 34 talks about Christ being a good shepherd. I LOVE this metaphor for multiple reasons. It shows the care and the work that Christ has taken upon himself for MY WELFARE. 

Verse 16 of this chapter beautifully demonstrates that characteristic: "I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up the that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick."

I have seen that in my life over and over again. On days when I feel like I can't do anything more than my little routine, Christ seeks me out and strengthens me. When I have had a broken heart, either from breaking up with a boyfriend or from sin or loneliness, Christ has always been willing to bind me up and help me to start again.

Remembering that truth gave me strength to keep enduring throughout the week. I had a mini-action item after that class of involving the Lord in my struggle to be motivated ... Although this action item seems kind of ambiguous and immeasurable, I have found that as I have prayed for strength and endurance, Christ has stepped in an has strengthened me. I love Him!

He'll do it for you, too. Christ is the good shepherd that Ezekiel was talking about, He is WAITING and WATCHING for you to come to Him so that He can heal you of whatever wounds you may have. All that He asks of you is to come, and then He'll take care of the rest!

ACTION ITEM FOR THIS NEXT WEEK: This week, I am going to study in the scriptures about HOW I can come to Christ more in my life. This may be a stepping stone to another action item that will then involve me APPLYING what I have learned about this process to my life.

adventures in bible reading: jeremiah was a ... prophet?

Last week's ACTION ITEM: Pray to have my eyes opened to the blessings that Heavenly Father has given me. Write down a way that I have seen His hand in my life every day.

Heavenly Father is amazing. That's kind of an obvious statement, but it has been reiterated over and over again as I have studied the words of the Old Testament. I love Him! This week, I was better able to appreciate His influence in my life as I took a couple of moments each night to reflect where I was able to see His hand in my day.

It was another week of insanity. I felt like I was running to every appointment, meeting, and responsibility that I had. Usually, I get stressed out of my mind when life gets crazy. Usually, I start losing a grip on everything that I have to do and I am unable to finish anything the way that I want to. Nevertheless, I felt like this past was the best week that I have had in a LONG TIME. I finished everything ON TIME and was able to serve other on top of it! That's the power of Heavenly Father, y'all. (I don't have a southern accent, but I felt a nod to my semi-southern roots would be appropriate there).

This begs the question: Why don't I live that way every day of my life?

I know it's possible! God wants to give us an abundant life, and He will do it if we acknowledge His hand in all things!

The Israelites were a people that were very slow to remember that. This week, I've been studying Jeremiah. Before this week, I knew very little about this major prophet of the Bible. I'm ashamed to admit that I knew the song, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog ... (duh nuh nuh)" and that was about the extent of my knowledge of the words of Jeremiah. My love for this man has grown exponentially as I have learned about his life and the things that he taught.

It turns out: Jeremiah was NOT a bullfrog. He was a prophet right before the people of Babylon took over the city of Jerusalem. The people were incredibly wicked, and they refused to believe that the Lord would punish them for their wickedness. When the Babylonians started to attack them, these people were TERRIFIED ... but their fear led them to rely on false idols and other nations instead of relying on the Lord.

Jeremiah was called during this time to be a prophet (like Elijah from last week's post) to this people. Although he spoke the words of the Lord, he was incredibly unpopular with the people. He preached that Jerusalem would be destroyed and that the people would be scattered for their wickedness ... and the people mocked him and threw him in jail. 

God supported him during his trials, but even so, life wasn't a walk in the park for Jeremiah. At one point, Jeremiah determined that things were TOO HARD and that there was no way that he would continue to prophesy to the people. But then he repents because he said, "his word was in my heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones" (Jeremiah 20:9). God's word was IN HIM! He was a prophet, called of God to guide and direct the people, and he was determined to fulfill that calling.




I am so happy to testify to you that God has once again called a prophet on the earth today. Just like Elijah and Jeremiah, this man receives the word of the Lord to help guide and direct us. In a world of so much chaos and confusion, like the times of Jerusalem's Babylonian captivity, it gives me so much comfort to know that God will not leave us hanging!

Starting this weekend, the WHOLE WORLD will get the opportunity to hear from a living prophet of God (isn't that the coolest thing??). He, along with other leaders of the Church, will give guidance and counsel that applies to everyone in the whole world, regardless of circumstances.

I invite you to hear the words of God through these inspired people. The fact that God continues to speak to His children is a precious truth that I have come to understand through a lot of study and prayer. If you want to know more about WHY I believe that a Prophet really does speak to us today, feel free to contact me! It's my favorite thing in the world, and I would love to share what I know!

ACTION ITEM for this next week: Prepare to listen to the words of the Prophet by pondering questions that I have and by studying previous General Conference talks.

adventures in bible reading: open your eyes

Last week's action item: testify to one person a day about God's love for them.

I need to make a confession.

I have the best job in the world. That felt good to get off my chest. I feel like screaming it every time I leave the gates of the MTC. I have been so blessed to be working there. 

For those of you that don't know what the MTC is, it is place of training for Mormon missionaries. You know, the guys that walk around in suits with black name tags all of the time? These missionaries (my sister is currently one of them!) go around living my action item for this week EVERY DAY. Every day, they testify of God's love to every person that will listen to them ... and sometimes even to people that won't. I know that they truly feel of that Godly love because I have felt it myself more times than I can count.

I felt it on my mission ... and I get the chance to feel it now as I teach these missionaries.

Focusing on testifying on God's love this week was another incredible experience. I prayed every morning to find people that needed to hear it. It turns out that basically everyone needs to be reminded of that love every once and a while ... and because my eyes were open for opportunities, I was able to tell many people that I love that God was aware of their needs.

If you need that reminder today, I want you to know that God loves you. He does! And I've learned this week that He loves you despite your flaws and imperfections. He just loves, no strings attached.

This week was really rewarding.

I have a couple of stories in the Old Testament that are "gold nuggets" for me. They aren't very big, but the meaning that they carry changes my life every time I return to them. One of these gold nuggets is found in 2 Kings 6. In this chapter, Elisha (a prophet) is in a pickle with his servant. The Israelites are at war with Syria and are prospering, thanks to the guidance of Elisha. As soon as the leader of Syria finds out that Elisha is the cause of the victory of Israel, he sends an army in the middle of the night to surround the city where Elisha was staying.

Imagine this: you go to bed without a care in the world, only to wake up and find that an entire army is intent on capturing you. I would be pretty nervous, to say the least. Elisha's servant certainly was! He sees the army and cries out to Elisha, "[What] shall we do?" Elisha responds calmly with a pretty famous phrase from the Bible: "Fear not, for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." 

I can imagine the servant's look of confusion in that moment. After all, they seemed to be completely alone. Elisha knew better, however, and prays that God will open the eyes of the servant. God immediately grants that request, and the servant looks up to the mountains and is able to see that the mountains are "full of horses and chariots of fire". Miraculously, Elisha and his servant escape the Syrian army and continue their respective missions in life.

Isn't that an amazing story? (also, Chariot's of Fire sounds like a great name for a movie ...)

At the risk of being too open, and with that story in mind, I have another confession to make: I close my eyes to God's blessings way too often in my life.

Last week, I insinuated that my life has been crazy these days. Even though the crazy has been building to a climax, it still takes me by surprise every time. Assignments are due way quicker than I initially anticipated, motivation to avoid procrastination is constantly countered by a desire to socialize and have fun, relationships are crazy, callings need magnifying. The list goes on. 

Life is a lot of (often confusing) work, and sometimes I feel just like the servant of Elisha ... half-awake and nervous about the future. 

But I know that God loves me. I know that He will protect me as I strive to do what He asks of me, no matter how large the challenges are that face me. He that is with me is more than any trial, any pain, or any confusion that I might experience. And that gives me confidence in a bright and happy future ahead.

Action Items for next week: Pray to have my eyes opened to the blessings that Heavenly Father has given me. Write down a way that I have seen His hand in my life every day.

adventures in bible reading: my kindness shall not depart

Last week's action item: Give up a bad habit and start a good habit.

To make this action item a little more specific, I decided that I would give up the habit of scrolling through Facebook when I was bored and that I would take on the habit of praying on my knees every morning and night. I want to be honest: I wasn't perfect at keeping this goal. These two parts of my life have been struggles for a long time; I should have expected that they would be a little harder to maintain.

But, when I did accomplish my goal this past week, something amazing happened. I felt energized. I felt a renewed sense of focus, despite every natural urge to go into a mid-term coma. It was incredible to be a part of.

I think I like this action item idea.

For other reasons, this week was quite the adventure. I had some highlights (like starting the process of volunteering in the temple) and some low lights. One of those low lights was that on Saturday morning, I discovered that someone tried to break into my car (no damage, nothing taken). I also found out some disheartening news later that morning (I'll keep that news vague to give you  the entertainment of guessing). As I drove home from work, I was a little miffed to say the least.

I cried out to Heavenly Father ... which is silly because basically everything in my life has been moving forward without a hitch. But in that moment, I felt like several bad things had hit me at once that Heavenly Father could have prevented in a heart beat ... if He had wanted to. After pouring out my heart to God, I felt a hush. I felt that all these things were meant to give me experience. In a matter of seconds, He calmed the calamitous storm that was my heart and I was able to make sense of the world again.

Things always get better with God.

I have loved reading the later chapters in Isaiah, probably because they carry that same message. The first half of Isaiah's book focuses heavily on doom and gloom ... on God's judgement. But the second half speaks of His infinite mercy and kindness.

I love the words from Isaiah 54:7-10. These verses speak of God's "great mercies" and "everlasting kindness." How is it that the SAME GOD that allows destruction and fire and brimstone can be a God of mercy and kindness? (This might be the gospel according to Laney ... so bear with me) I think that He is willing and able to take any situation that we encounter, negative or positive, and turn it to be for our good. He might allow the trials to happen so that we can learn from them and grow, but He will also be more than happy to support and guide us through those trials if we rely on Him.

Later in that chapter (vs. 11), the Lord promises that he will "lay [our] stones with fair colors." This isn't to say that God is helping us to win a game of Candyland; rather, God is working arduously so that the path we are on will become precious for us, no matter the changes and challenges. 

I am positive that He is working on my path now. I felt that as I cried in my smoke-smelling truck on the way home from work. I felt that as I cleaned out said truck and found some precious items I had been missing for months. I felt that as I took the sacrament and promised to remember Christ always throughout the week. 

Heavenly Father is love. He is kindness. I am so grateful for Him!

Action Item for next week: This next week, I am going to testify to one person a day about God's love for them.

adventures in bible-reading

Hey, mom (and others who read my blog)!

I have a HUGE FAVOR to ask ... but I think that in order to ask it, I'm going to have to give a little background.

My first year of EFY was an AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING experience. I was able to have a mighty change of heart ... the change from a pesky little middle-schooler to a fledgling Molly Mormon. Those were the beginning of the continual good times that seem to make up my life.

I left that week with a lot of new dreams. I wanted to get married in the temple to my COW (crush of the week). I wanted to read the Book of Mormon. I wanted to go to a church school. Another dream that cropped up was the dream of taking a class from my dynamic session director, Brother Hilton, at said church school. During that one week of EFY, Brother Hilton taught me so much about my self worth and he helped me to DELIGHT in the Gospel. I hoped that, if I ever got lucky enough to be attending BYU, I would be able to take a class from him.

Fast forward eight years ... I'm now lucky enough to be attending BYU ... and also lucky enough to have checked off another of my dreams from that first EFY (the only one I haven't gotten was marrying my COW ... but I guess it goes to show: you can't win them all). I am in a class by Brother Hilton!

And it's not just any class ... It's a class about ...

the SECOND HALF OF THE OLD TESTAMENT.

I can already hear the shouts of awe and envy.

To be honest, I never would have expected that I would take this class. It's not required to graduate, and it's based on a pretty intimidating book of scripture. Despite its archaic nature, I have been amazed to learn HOW MUCH OF IT APPLIES TO REAL LIFE! It applies to you and me.

So, for the rest of the semester, I am going to be documenting my adventure in applying the Bible and its teachings to my life. I'll be posting ACTION ITEMS based on principles that I have been learning from personal study and from class discussion. I will put these ACTION ITEMS into practice as perfectly as I can for ONE WEEK, and then report on it in the next week's blog post.

Here's where I'll need your help.

I need you to keep me accountable to my ACTION ITEMS. You don't need to DO the action items with me ... or even read the verses of scripture where they come from. I just need you to slap me around a little bit (in a nice, Christ-like way via internet) if I forget to do them. A gentle, virtual pat on the back when I do accomplish my goals would also be nice.

Or you could just read and enjoy the experience with me. I would love to have you along for the ride!

Before I go, I just wanted to share a little thought ... and my first ACTION ITEM.

I am studying Isaiah right now ... and it's a little bit of a challenge. The concepts that he taught and wrote about are incredible ... and are almost too big to comprehend fully. I have been pleasantly surprised, however, with the little gold nuggets of information that I can understand from what I've read.

I love the verses Isaiah 1:16-17. These verses are an admonition of the Lord to "cease to do evil" and to "learn to do well." My life is a constant struggle to put into action these two principles. I am so far away from Christ and His perfection, but I am trying to get rid of the things that are impeding my progress ... and simultaneously trying to form habits that will speed up that process even more. The beautiful thing is that THROUGH CHRIST, I can do it! I can accomplish my eternal goals! Doesn't that thought inspire hope?

This week, I am going to take some time to think of ONE NEGATIVE HABIT that I can start eliminating from my life and ONE POSITIVE HABIT that I can start implementing. I don't expect mastery in either of these two habits, but I think (and so does Jeffrey R. Holland according to the quote that follows) Heavenly Father is always willing to give us credit for trying.

better than good

Faith is like jumping off of a cliff and hoping that either a) Heavenly Father is building a much more stable ledge somewhere close enough to land or b) He's figuring out a way to teach you to fly. Faith requires so much trust for Heavenly Father, and I have come to the conclusion that the only way to really be able to develop that trust is to go through experiences where God is the only way to move forward.

I'm not going to lie --  these past couple of weeks, I've probably exercised my faith more than I've been able to actually get out and exercise my body.

"But why?" you might ask. "Everything is going great for you! You're at your dream school, you got your dream job ... why do you need faith in a moment when things are so good?" I've asked myself the same question a million times ... and this week, I thought of an answer.

The truth: it takes faith to leave a good thing.

I've been thinking about our life before we came to the earth. We had it GOOD there! We lived with Heavenly Father and knew him and life must have been pretty great ... except that it was impossible to reach our full potential unless we left that GOOD LIFE for something better ahead. Leaving that behind must have been a HUGE act of faith, especially considering that we had no guarantee that we would go through life without trials.

With that lack of knowledge, we jumped ... and I am confident that the experiences we are having on earth are helping us to fly to levels of happiness that we could never imagine.

Similar to leaving our pre-mortal life of splendor (but probably not as big of a deal) was my decision to leave Rexburg, Idaho. I was so content at BYU-Idaho. I knew people EVERYWHERE I went. I knew how to interact with them. I was doing so well in my classes. I had a full-ride scholarship. My brother was there. I had a great ward.

It was good.

But I knew that I needed to leave, somehow knowing that I could never reach my true potential unless I started living outside of my comfort zone again. I felt guided by Heavenly Father to take that jump and come down to Provo, leaving behind loved ones, financial aide, and the promise of academic ease. It took some crazy faith to believe that God was working to make my life better than good ... that he was in the details to making my life extraordinary.

I am happy to say that I have seen God's hand more than ever in my life after my decision to take a step into the uncertainty of my future. I am still so uncertain about so many things, but I am beginning to see the beautiful blessings that come from trusting in Heavenly Father's tiny micro-plan for tiny old me. They are abundant and real.

He has raised me up to thrive at BYU ...

He has helped me to find amazing people to associate with.

He gracefully allowed me to get my job AT THE MTC.

I feel so incredibly blessed! Even with those blessings, however, being in Provo still requires the daily decision of faith in good things to come. In Christ (who is sometimes call a good priest of high things to come), I have a pretty good foundation to rely on.

If you are facing a leap that seems terrifying, take heart. Life will almost never pan out exactly as expected, but I promise that God is a perfect architect of happiness. He is already working to build a future for those that trust in Him that is better than good.

my new dream come true

The past six months have been one heck of a ride. My life plans have seismically fluctuated from one extreme to the other.

I'm going to Idaho, for sure.

I'm staying in Provo.

I'm moving to St. George.

I'm staying in Provo.

I'm going home for a while.

I'm staying home.
I'm going to Idaho, maybe?

I'm going back to Provo.

I'm going back to Idaho, for sure.

I can't believe that all of these plans have legitimately existed in my mind within such a short period of time. I don't think that my parents can believe it either (shout out to them for being so patient as I have worked through my decisions).

Each change in plan came with the death of all previously conceived plans. With each plan, I allowed myself to peak forward into my bright future; my life was almost like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, with each happy ending a seemingly inevitable reality. With every change, I thought, surely this is the straightforward plan from Heavenly Father that I've been waiting for. I craved stability, but as circumstances changed, I tried to change my plans with faith. That bright horizon was somewhere in my future. Heavenly Father promised me some big things and he was going to deliver. At least, I sure hoped that He was.

I finally settled into the idea of living in Rexburg for another semester. As I thought about coming back to school, I was excited, but the memory of my previous dreams plagued me. The thought that kept coming to my mind was, I need you in Provo. And my response always was, Then why did you send me here? These questions and doubts lingered in my mind in the form of "what ifs" and "it could have beens," keeping me awake at night weeks after I had unpacked my boxes. 

Those doubts have long been quieted, especially after seeing the hand of the Lord so abundantly. It's kind of nerdy, but I LOVE school. Learning is amazing, and coming back to school always helps me to value the growth that comes from expanding and changing paradigms. The GIGANTIC bonus to continuing my education this semester has been the people that God has put into my life. My roommates, classmates, FHE brothers, and ward family have shaped me and molded me in an eternal way. My brother, Spencer, is at college for the first time, and I have LOVED living right next to him. For those reasons (and SO many more) I have come to peace with the fact that I am supposed to be in Rexburg right now. Gone are the what ifs ... and I'm just living the dream.

But I still felt a longing for Utah. More progress and growth seemed to await me there. After months of going back and forth between plans, however, I wasn't sure if going to Provo was Heavenly Father's will or just some mortal desire that I wanted. After talking to basically everyone that I came into contact with about my dilemma, I decided that the best thing that I could do while waiting for further light and knowledge was to keep my options wide open ... so I started a transfer application.

I started the application, but I was having a hard time getting the application finished. Near the end of September, I had finished everything but the endorsement from my church leaders. By some miracle, my application was sent at the last possible second before the October 1st deadline ... so all that remained for me to do was to wait for an answer.

This answer was going to help me decide whether I would finish out my education at BYUI or BYU really quickly. Because of BYU's credit transfer limit (and the large amount of credits that I've accumulated the past couple of semesters), a rejection would mark my last opportunity to apply. An acceptance would cause some discomfort due to the lack of confidence that I had been feeling about my ability to make well-thought-out decisions ... but I started to become more and more confident that this discomfort was something that I wanted. I felt my desires shift. Instead of praying to be able to know what I should do, I prayed that I would be accepted. Provo became my new dream.

Yesterday, after weeks, the long awaited email popped up in my inbox: "A decision has been made ..." I read the words several times before clicking the link that would reveal what decision had been reached. In that moment, I knew. I knew that the desire that I had to be in Provo was something more than a mortal desire. I knew that going to Provo was Heavenly Father's will for me. When I saw that I was accepted, I burst into tears. 

It was kind of like this (music and everything!):

Gratitude filled my heart. Just as much as I know that I am supposed to be in Rexburg now, I KNOW that I am supposed to move to Provo. And that finality, especially in the contrast of so much uncertainty, is bliss.

This time, it's really happening, friends. Dreams do come true.

I'm moving to Provo.

EFY in review

Basically every sentence I say now begins, "When I was at EFY, I learned ..." I heard one of my summer lessons summed up beautifully in a talk by Ezra Taft Benson: "Yes, men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace."

Isn't that the most beautiful promise EVER? Like I insinuated in my last post, my summer has been pretty amazing and life-changing. I've tried to lose myself in the service God and of the youth that I have worked with all summer, and in the process I have been able to see these blessings in my life first-hand.

He deepened my joy. I love to be happy. I love it more than anything in the world. Recently, I have been thinking more about the meaning of JOY. Joy is different than happiness. Joy is eternal. I feel like I have been able to experience that deep emotion more than I feel like I deserve this summer. Each week, I am surprised by the depth of joy I can feel as I am silly with the kids. Even more surprising and rewarding is to watch kids come closer to Christ. Although each week has been so very different for me, joy is definitely a common denominator throughout all of the weeks.

He expanded my vision. I have loved the EFY program for as long as I can remember. Each day is filled with super fun and spiritual activities, a combination that helped me to realize that I LOVED the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I didn't realize until I became an EFY counselor, however, just how inspired every part of EFY is. As I danced with the kids and yelled at Games Night, I saw how these seemingly temporal activities were calculated to help the kids have a wonderful spiritual experience on Thursday. I realize now that IN MY OWN LIFE, every single thing I experience is calculated to bring about my own happiness. Every wonderful and every hard thing is designed to help me grow!

He quickened my mind. This summer, I was humbled to come into contact with so many wonderful kids! They taught me sooo much about the gospel and inspired me to live my life better. Many came from broken families or had issues loving themselves. Others faced health challenges (both physical and mental). Others faced crises of faith. I was so grateful for God's help in the moments that the kids revealed these problems to me. Through the Spirit, I was able to discern the needs of the kids I worked with and help them to find answers to their answers and questions.  I am pretty inadequate when it comes to solving problems on my own ...I know that I could NOT have done that by myself. I have come to learn that Heavenly Father KNOWS each and every one of us! He is aware of our fears and doubts and will help us!

He strengthened my muscles. My achy muscles and constant state of tiredness came as a surprise to me after my first week of EFY. As a counselor, I spent the entire summer herding kids to locations, running around to make early morning meetings, and playing games of Ninja to pass the time. All the while, I was trying to do it on 5 hours of sleep. Some days, I felt like I couldn't possibly have the energy to make it through the day. I need naps. I need rest. One of my favorite scriptures filled my mind daily, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength..."I prayed and prayed and prayed for strength, and I got it. Heavenly Father has helped me to exude energy throughout the entire summer. Divine intervention is the only explanation. I could NOT have had this energy without him.

He lifted my spirits. EFY is not only physically taxing ... it is extremely emotionally and spiritually taxing as well, I remember one week when I was in Tacoma, I felt emotionally spent. I lay in bed one night and just cried and cried because I felt so inadequate and so burnt out. I felt isolated (probably in part because I was living in the basement all by myself ...). I felt like I was not reaching my girls. As I poured out my feelings to Heavenly Father in prayer, however, I felt an emotional strength and stability come over me. Hope waved over me again and again. I woke up with a determination to put the past behind me and to face my challenges with grace and dignity. That week, I was able to see the Lord's hand in every little detail. So many prayers were answered and I was able to finish the week recharged for the rest of the summer.

He multiplied my blessings. Holy cow. I don't know if I can adequately describe how BLESSED I feel to have worked for EFY. I feel like every day was filled with so many blessings ... I don't even know where to begin. Heavenly Father answered my prayers ... and sometimes he just responded to my thoughts and the desires of my heart. For example, one week, I was having a hard time bonding with a couple of the girls in my group. I prayed to have an opportunity to be able to talk to them on a more personal level ... Heavenly Father gave me that opportunity -- although it was in a way that was surprising to me.

That week, I had a hard time getting my girls to understand the EFY dress standards. We had to come back to the dorms several times throughout the week to change into more appropriate clothes. Each time, I was pretty annoyed with the long trek that we had to make, but I tried to make use of the time to talk to the girls and to get to know them more. I realized only after that week that Heavenly Father had given me those standards-check journeys as an answer to my prayers from earlier in the week.

Other times, I would get to a spot only to realize that some of my girls were missing. Being left behind somewhere is a terrible feeling (at least from what I remember of being left at school as a child), but losing a kid is worse. I would pray fervently to be able to find the missing girls and then started to walk ... usually a couple of minutes after I offered that prayer, I would find the missing girl. It was such a miracle to me!

I could tell hundreds of stories like those ... I'll spare you for now.

He increased my opportunities. I went to EFY expecting to have an awesome summer and then to return to BYU-Idaho in the fall. It took one week of EFY for Heavenly Father to lift me up off of that path and turn me 180 degrees. I was sitting in a morning meeting one day when I felt the promptings of the spirit saying, "Laney, you need to apply for the MTC as soon as possible." I tried to push that prompting away ... because, first of all, getting into the MTC is SUPER competitive. Second of all, I didn't have any idea how to even begin the process. But I felt the prompting come over and over again. "Apply, apply, apply ..." I told Heavenly Father, "Okay, I'll do it ... but You need to help me to know how to do it."

The week ended and I headed home with intentions to look into applying. No sooner had I walked in the door than my roommate, Sara, told me that the MTC was hiring Spanish teachers for the fall ... and that she had connections with several people that could help me to apply. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? That was such a direct answer to my prayers! I was able to finish my application lightning quick. I took time off of EFY to hop up to the MTC for interviews. They were prompt in responding and now, 8 weeks later, I am in the last stages of the hiring process.

I am not sure what the outcome of this whole experience will be, but I am SOOO grateful that Heavenly Father inspired me to apply! I have learned so many cool things about my own capabilities and about the Gospel. I have taken steps to move down to Provo in the fall and to transfer to BYU in the winter. I have seen so many doors open in my life that I would have never been able to imagine had I not listened to that prompting. His vision is so much greater than my own!

He raised up friends. It has always been super easy for me to make acquaintances in my life. I am a queen at small talk. Making lasting, deep connections with people has always been a little bit harder. I am so grateful for the true, life-long friends that I was able to make at EFY. The counselors that I worked with each week became some of my best friends as we worked together to unify the kids. The leaders that I had were so candid and open and real that it was never hard to be vulnerable and to reveal who I really was at my core when I was around them. I was able to date one of the best people I have ever met in my life for a little bit and it was such an awesome experience! I am so grateful for those relationships that I made! Heavenly Father put so many individuals in my life that I feel were there for a SPECIFIC REASON, no matter how long I was able to know them or to what level I was able to get to in our friendship. What a special blessing for me to have for the rest of my life!

He comforted my soul and brought me peace. Yesterday ended up being one of the hardest days of EFY. I reached a point in the day where I was brought to tears. I felt like I couldn't be the counselor I needed to be for my kids because of outside circumstances that were breaking my heart. Before I went out to rejoin the kids, I washed my face and put on makeup to cover up my distress, but I couldn't get the feeling out of my heart. I looked at myself in the mirror and said over and over again a mantra that I have taken up this summer: "I can do hard things. I can do hard things. I can do hard things." I can forget about myself for a couple of hours. I can be happy for a couple of hours. I can pull myself together. I prayed for strength and the ability to do what I felt like was the impossible. And then I went.

It was a miracle. I felt a comfort that burned in my heart for the rest of the night. That burning started off like a purifying fire and dulled to a subtle peace that warmed me throughout the night. I did the impossible. I was completely present for my kids. I was happy. I didn't feel distressed anymore. Instead, I felt an assurance that I was going to be okay. I felt the peace that comes from knowing that Heavenly Father helps everything to work out, no matter what. Yesterday wasn't the only time that I was able to feel that peace, but in that moment, I was so grateful for an understanding God that helped to heal my heart in rapid time so that I could continue to do His work. He is just so GOOD.

EFY has been such an incredible blessing in my life. The lessons I learned this summer have left me a completely changed girl. Heavenly Father's ways and thoughts are so much higher than my own; He knows so perfectly just what needs to happen in my life to ensure my eternal happiness. I continue to be committed to WHATEVER he has in store for me! Although my future is pretty uncertain right now, I am excited to see where Heavenly Father will take me!

efy (part 1)

I've tried writing this post 1.2 million times.

That's definitely an exaggeration, but I have attempted over and over again to put the right words together to convey just how incredible my experience at EFY has been.

I've talked a lot about EFY on my blog ... I've been kind of obsessed with this program for the past 7 years. As I have gotten to have the EFY experience as a counselor this summer, my obsession has expanded and matured. EFY has always marked important life change decisions in my life, and the time that I spent as a counselor has been even more life changing.

A couple of the big life changes are as follows:

1. I am in the process of applying to be a teacher at the MTC.
2. I am transferring to school in Utah.
3. I am dating the most incredible human being.
4. I have felt my heart expand 150 sizes.

EFY has been quite the ride.

I'll expound later. I feel like I am at a loss for words - mostly because there is no way that I can adequately describe how I feel about EFY without the appropriate changes in voice inflection, arm waving, etc. But a wave of information and memories is coming. I promise.

more than we deserve

I treasure the memories and experiences that I was able to have on my mission. I feel like I was able to see God in the details of my life every minute, hour, day. I felt His infinite love, shown in the little blessings that He granted to me and those around me, based on our faith.

I remember one family in particular that was struggling financially. This little family consisted of a young couple and their five year old daughter, and they were working to be sealed in the temple. One HUGE obstacle that they faced was the unemployment of the father. He quit his job as he was returning to the church because his hours made him work on Sunday and didn't allow him to attend Sacrament Meeting. He had done this on the premise that he would be greatly blessed for his sacrifice, but after a year of waiting for a job, desperation was overtaking the faith that he had once had.

I was in awe and heartbroken as I talked to the father of this family. I marveled at his incredible faith and endurance and wondered how I would feel after a year of relying on another person's income to support my family. He confided that although he quit his job with faith that things would work out in the end, he was beginning to feel abandoned by Heavenly Father.

An incredible scripture in the Bible promises that "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." This man was having such a hard time opening his eyes to see the blessings that Heavenly Father had in store for him. Desperately, my companion and I tried to open his eyes. After a quick lesson on faith, we came up with an eye-opening plan of action. We would fast with this family for one day, the whole time praying that they would be able to find work ... and then see what blessings the Lord had already prepared for this faithful family.

The day of the fast was one of the hottest days of the year. When anticipating what the effect of climbing up hills in that heat would be like after a day without food or water, I thought that my sweet companion and I were going to die. However, we completed our fast. With faith, we prayed for a miracle.

A day or two later, our phone rang. The father found a job.

Some people might chalk that occurrence up to coincidence. However, I truly believe that Heavenly Father had a part in ensuring that our faith and the faith of this little family didn't go unnoticed. He was in every detail of their lives. Because I was able to plainly see that, I was also able to learn that Heavenly Father is also VERY personally aware of every single one of us.

For all of my life, I have tried really hard to do what Heavenly Father has wanted me to do. I feel like that is really what it means to LOVE Him. He asks me to seek His will and obey. In return, He promises to guide me and those blessings that my natural eyes cannot see right now. I have made so many seemingly wacky decisions in my life based on promptings that I have felt (i.e. fasting on the hottest day of the year ... or homeschooling my junior year of high school) that my dad once remarked (jokingly) that my God is a God that doesn't make sense.

Although my decisions have sometimes not made a lot of sense, I have found so much pleasure and comfort as I have moved forward in my life relying on Heavenly Father's perfect wisdom. This daily struggle that I go through has helped reinforce the idea to me that Heavenly Father is perfectly aware of my needs. He is intimately involved in my life. He has protected me from the evil influences in the world by surrounding me for as long as I can remember with wonderful friends, both inside and outside of the church. He gave me the best family I could ever hope to have. He has granted me my wildest dreams.

Sometimes, I am blind to the blessings that the Lord has perfectly placed in my life. Getting distracted is pretty easy in today's world. However, every time I take a moment to open my eyes to the wonderful blessings that surround me, I am filled with awe. The little glimpses that I get of eternity and the happiness that I feel when that happens makes me think that we have a whole lot to look forward to after this life ... if only we will love Heavenly Father enough in the meantime to trust that He will help make everything right in the end.

you can't learn that in school

A couple of months ago, the following email popped up in my inbox.

"Dear Student,

The Admissions Office at Brigham Young University Idaho is pleased to offer you a special opportunity to attend this upcoming Spring 2015 semester in addition to your regular Fall/Winter track."

Aside from the fact that was a deeply impressed by the personalization of this letter, I was excited with the idea of being able to continue my studies at BYU-Idaho. Yes, dear reader, I was actually EXCITED to keep on studying, even after two semesters of heavy courses and responsibilities. Strangely, I was sad to be leaving behind paper writing and being a Relief Society president and busy work ... okay, maybe I wasn't too broken up over the busy work. 

Needless to say, college has been excellent for my personal development. As weird as this might sound, podunk Rexburg, Idaho, was my veritable paradise because of the constant availability of stimulating and novel opportunities. I won't be too far removed from this strange but wonderful college-town atmosphere -- when I move to Provo in the summer, I will be able to have similar experiences -- but in the meantime, I am back in sleepy ol' Waynesville, MO.

I decided in coming home that I was going to try to keep up having new learning experiences every day so as to not fall into a Netflix-binge depression. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, seeing as I see at least seven people I know on an average trip to Wal-mart (thanks to my family living in the same place for twenty years). I have found, however, that instead of throwing my daily energy into building relationships with lots of different people, I am using this precious time that I have at home to build relationships with my family. They are my eternal best friends, and I have come to the conclusion that I only have a limited amount of time to show my adoration and appreciation.

Being home with this differently angled goal has been so much fun. My family is kind of like an exclusive club with our own humor and social cues, and it is awesome to participate now that I am officially feeling less post-RM awkwardness (it only took me ten months!). Even though the kids are at school during the day, I stay busy with house work and helping my parents. When the kids are home, I summon the energy to put together puzzles and hold tickle fight-club matches. The experiences that I am having are so very very different from my experiences at college ... but every day brings me just as much happiness and satisfaction.

I think that If I were in Rexburg right now, I would be having a ball. But if I were out west right now, there would be a lot of things that I couldn't do. I couldn't ruffle the boys hair as they play endless Studio C videos on YouTube. I wouldn't be learning the ins and outs of the family business. I couldn't talk to my mom about boy woes. I wouldn't be fixing broken radiators under Dad's watchful eye. I couldn't learn to build out-of-control fires that rival the Boy Scout equivalent. I wouldn't be able to visit Grandpa after his back surgery. I couldn't be chatting with Nandy about life while cleaning her house. I couldn't teach the primary kids at church about the insects and Jesus.

In other words, in my time at home, I have learned that everything in life has its season. I am glad that for this little season, Heavenly Father is allowing me to attend the university of life ... taught from within the walls of my childhood home. 

It just goes to show that you can't learn everything at school.

Hey! I'm playing a little bit of catch-up with my pictures ... but we were able to go to General Conference in honor of Hyrum's 12th birthday!! Such a fun experience!!

same place, different me

Before I get to the meat of my post, can I just say that I have come to LOVE running? It has become a necessary part of my life. This winter semester, I have been brutally forced to run indoors on the treadmill because of the consecutive days of below freezing weather ... but things have been turning around lately.

The beautiful, 55 degree weather of Rexburg allowed me to run outside today.

I usually leave the house without having much of an idea where I want to run. Rexburg is only a couple of miles in diameter, so there aren't a ton of ways to get lost or in harms way. Today, I found myself gravitating toward Nature Park. This is a beautifully secluded part of town (even more than the rest of it, surprisingly). As its name suggests, Nature Park is nature with a sidewalk cut through it.

I can remember the times that I have been to Nature Park in the past almost eight months (!) that I have been at school.

The first was on a run with one of my friends from the mission.

The second was with my first college boyfriend, as we sat on a bench and talked about nothing significant.

The third was the first "warm" day of the "spring" ... warm being 40 degrees. In my insanity, I ran there with a short-sleeved tee-shirt. Living in Idaho will do that to you.

And the fourth was today.

As I ran around the park, I came to the park bench where visit number two took place. I came to an abrupt halt in front of the bench and felt the overwhelming desire to sit down and look out over the pond that lay in front of it.

So I sat down.

I can't exactly explain the feeling that I felt as I sat down, but I can try to explain what it wasn't. It wasn't de-ja-vu, but it was just as stirring. It wasn't nostalgia ... because there was nothing really extraordinary about any encounter that I had in that park.

It was the beginning of revelation. As I looked out at that same duck pond on the same bench that I sat on almost six months ago, I realized how constant the change of the world is. The seasons change when they're supposed to (well ... I guess that is debatable in Rexburg ... but I digress). The ducks flee when they begin to feel the chill of winter and come back at the first sign of warmer weather. Nature Park has been the same for years and will continue without change for years to come.

The place hadn't changed. But I had.

As I sat on that bench, I thought back on my time in Rexburg and was stunned by the amount of personal growth and life lessons that Heavenly Father has packed into my experience. I lived my life out here, and I think I lived it pretty well. I was refined in my education. I was refined socially and spiritually. I worked hard to control my finances.

I hate to say it, but I think in the past two semesters, I have grown closer to being an actual adult. It's been pretty gradual and I still have a whole lot of life experience to have before I can officially drop the young from my young adult status, but the need to leave behind the things of my past and push forward into exciting new territory is becoming more and more obvious. Sometimes that future is scary and hard, but other times it is full of happiness and love ... and EVERY SECOND is worth living.

Each second gives me the chance to change and grow and develop. There is nothing more exhilarating than that! I hope that the weather will be beautiful when I return to Rexburg in the fall. I hope to return to that same bench in Nature Park and to feel the same amazement as I look at the local family of ducks. I am sure that the place will be no different ... but I have hope that I will.