This feels like pre-call dejavu all over again. A week ago, someone might have asked me if I was feeling ready for my mission ... and I always, always said with the hugest grin, "I am super stoked. I can't wait to start!" But really, I wasn't feeling much of anything at all. It still didn't feel like a real thing. Of course I would just be in a place where I can use a phone and Facebook and speak English for the rest of forever.
Now, I'm starting to feel it. I said goodbye to a ton of people in my ward today. My bishop pulled me in for tithing settlement and said, "Well, thank you for being in our ward, Laney" Wait ... I just got here! I can't be leaving before next Sunday. It can't be real. I started to pack and deep clean my room ... this time for real. I looked around and felt a little punch in my gut. I felt a little like I was strapped into a roller coaster ride that was just pulling out. There is nothing I can do to stop this.
I'm leaving. I'm leaving in ten days for something that is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY foreign. I am leaving whether I have successfully taken my finals or not. I am leaving whether I have everything that I need to for my mission or not. I don't know how I am going to finish all of the things that I feel like I need to complete before I leave. I am a mess.
But, this kind of hitting me is sooooo much better than my waiting pre-mission call. I think I was feeling a little bit depressed before I got my call. I couldn't really get anything accomplished because I was waiting and waiting for something that seemed non-existent. This is totally opposite. It's kicked me into hyper drive. Because I can see everything that I need to be doing very, very clearly, I am not having a very hard time coming up with things to do. Is this like nesting? I mean, I've never been pregnant ... but I'd imagine it is kind of similar.
So, these next and last three days at BYUI are going to be crazy. I hope that I can get my head out of a book for a few seconds and enjoy life. I think I am going to go to the temple one last time on Tuesday. I'm taking all of my finals. I'm saying goodbye to people that I'll probably never see again. I am packing up and heading to Salt Lake for the third time in a month. It's just really nuts to think that this is all going to happen in the next 72 hours.
I am still super excited to be a missionary. I am going to work as hard as I possibly can because I know that the church is true. I know it with all of my heart ... so much that even these crazy next few days do not feel like a sacrifice. I am giving up the next eighteen months of my life. I'm giving up on some chances in my life that I could have had if I didn't go on a mission. But I am a firm, firm believer that because I am handing my life over to Heavenly Father, he will make so much more of it than I could ever possibly imagine.
So, it's starting to hit me ... very, very gently. These little taps just remind me that I am about to be a part of the greatest work that this world has ever seen ever ... So, I'm willing to take the hits.