I have tried all of my life to follow Heavenly Father in anything that He has asked of me. Just in the time that I have had this blog, I have felt inspired to drop out of school, enroll back in school, come to BYUI, go on a mission, return to BYUI. I stress out about my future a little bit, but I have always had the privilege of receiving direct revelation relatively quickly when problems have arised. The answers haven't always been easy for me to swallow, but they have always been there.
Nowadays, however, the answers have been a little bit slower coming ...
and they've been about as clear as mud.
But I have learned to be okay with that. College has already been teaching me so many things, but I think that being okay with not knowing everything at once has been the most important lesson learned.
Life isn't black and white. If it were, it would be so easy. I love the good and hate the bad. I enjoy the beauty and turn a blind eye to the ugly. The choice between right and wrong is so easy. The choice between right and more right is what I have been learning to make. And that is hard and ambiguous and uncertain.
The beautiful thing is, in this state of crazy answer searching, I have been able to feel the influence of the Spirit so strongly in my life. It may not tell me the entire story, start to finish, but it has so clearly been helping me to see the next step forward. This is something that I have missed from the mission ... on the mission, I faced daily (hourly) changes that always required the expert advice of Heavenly Father to overcome. Since I have been home, I have not had many issues -- certainly not of the daily variety. It has been bliss. I have found so much purpose and happiness in my post-mission life ... more than I could have imagined.
However, college has upped the ante a little bit. I suddenly find myself with multiple challenges applied in heavy doses. There's finding a balance in every aspect of life -- education, dating, calling, family, friends, work, etc. There's taking every one of those categories individually and facing difficulties and learning to overcome struggles.
And then there is sometimes the Lord that says it is necessary to change everything up and take a step into darkness. That's scary.
But like it says in one of my favorite talks, The Fourth Missionary, letting the Lord take over in my life is really the only intelligent thing that I can do as a recently returned RM at BYUI. In the end, I have my plans and my dreams, but if I try and carry them out on my own, I will reach only a fraction of my potential. If I give my life to the Lord and let him make of it what he will, no matter how confused I am, I know that I will end up becoming the person that he wants me to be.
So, a lot of things are uncertain in my life right now. I don't know if I should do a study abroad in Mexico. I am clueless when it comes to dating. I have no idea how to be a super successful Relief Society President. Where am I going to live next semester? I don't know!
And that's okay.
It's all good.