July 7, 2015

the truth of being an RM

Wow. It's been a while since I have written anything. I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I just haven't had any words to describe exactly how I feel as a recently returned missionary. It is a crazy and emotional ride, but it is good.

I am happy to be home.

I remember that the first day that I was home, I felt pretty lost. Sometimes I still feel a little lost. I mean, we go from having every single minute planned out for every day ... to nothing. We go from trying to avoid all types of worldly entertainment to watching Frozen and listening to the Radio and dancing ... and it's hard to catch your ground.

Talking to people about my mission was a little weird, too. Everyone asks, "So, how was your mission?" which is a wonderful question. Everyone continues to show so much interest in a part of my life that was SO IMPORTANT to me. But every time I looked for an answer to that question, I felt the familiar answer, "It was so awesome, thanks!" come up. When that doesn't even begin to describe how grateful I am for my mission and how changed I am. It's frustrating not being able to communicate that ... but it is still awesome to talk to people about the mission. It's the best!

Another weird thing -- I feel like I have never left my house. My mission was like a long, Spanish filled dream. It was sweet and wonderful and uplifting, but it was so strange to come off that plane and feel as though nothing had even happened. I slipped back into being at home and doing normal things so easily that it worried me a little bit. Shouldn't this be harder? But that's really silly ... of course, Heavenly Father helps everything to be a lot easier. Even though it feels like my mission was a crazy dream, the wonderful thing is that I KNOW that my mission happened. And I can feel that I changed.

I guess I expected to have some earthquake experience where I knew that everything had changed and to feel a little devastated about not being in the mission anymore. But I feel so hopeful and good about the future. It is so bright! I have so many wonderful things that are getting ready to happen in my life ... which helps me a little bit to find tranquility.

Since I've been back, I have kept myself busy. I am learning how to knit, reading self-help books, reading the scriptures deeper than I ever have before ... I am cleaning and baking and working out and making appointments and signing up for classes. I am going out with the sister missionaries. I am subbing at church for the Primary and staying active with the Young Single Adults.

I keep busy and that has helped a lot in my transition.

And I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. But I am learning them for the eternities. This week, I thought a lot about perfection.

One of my dearest, dearest friends in the mission told me that she had been reading my blog (she was a youth from the branch I was serving in). It had been a really hard time and it kind of hurt me that she was reading about my experiences ... because I wanted to keep up the game face that said that everything was perfect in Hermana Blau Land. I asked her what she thought of my blog she said, "I LOVE it! I love reading about your experiences." She hugged me so tightly and then whispered, "But you're a bit of a perfectionist. You are doing a wonderful job here. Let perfection go."

I will always remember that huge hug and that advice. Perfectionism is a hard thing that is disguised as a Christ-like attribute. I mean, obviously we are supposed to be like Jesus Christ, who was PERFECT. But I feel like perfectionism forces people to try and fix their own weaknesses and problems and to not rely as fully on the enabling power that Jesus Christ can give all of us if we just ASK.

I think that the deepest things that I learned as I pondered about my mission is that it wasn't perfect. I mean, I don't think that anyone has a 100 percent perfect journey on a mission ... just like not a single person who has ever lived on this earth has had a 100 percent perfect, without bumps journey through life. But I have come to trust that it is okay. I did a good job. I tried the best that I could. I was able to love and help so many people.

And somewhere in all of my crazy, beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and every other good describing word that I can't remember (because my English is still struggling) mission, I was able to learn of Heavenly Father's love and his grace.

It's enough. I let the lack of perfection go, and I found a little world of perfection anyways. That's the best feeling.

So, I feel happy. I feel like I am transitioning well. I am having new experiences every day. I continue to learn. With all of the weirdness of being an RM, it is still really really awesome. It is great to know that I was once part of God's army ... and that the work continues. It is awesome to be with my family. It is awesome that Chile won the Copa America.

Everything is awesome!!

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