August 23, 2013

waiting, and waiting, and waiting

"So, are you freaking about getting your call?"

This was a pretty common question that was asked of me about a week ago. I responded in the negative. I was definitely excited ... it just didn't feel like what I had seen on videos of people getting their mission calls. On said videos, the people opening their calls were hardly competent. Their legs and arms were shaking uncontrollably; their emotions totally skewed. Yeah, if that is what "freaking out" qualifies as, I definitely wasn't feeling that a week ago.

But now, my story is a little different. It's been a week. My call could have been here yesterday or today at the earliest. I went to bed on Wednesday thinking that I could potentially have my call in hand by the next day. I woke up and went about my errands for the day ... and then I got home ... and I waited. And I waited. And I waited. 

As I sat looking out the window, waiting for the mail truck to come by, I suddenly realized what "freaking out" means. It means that your heart races when any vehicle drives by. It means sitting around doing nothing because you can hardly focus on anything besides the mail. It means ignoring your little siblings requests for food because you are so stressed out. Freaking out is kind of a scary feeling!

I didn't anticipate that I would feel this way. I really didn't WANT to feel this way. In fact, if I had my way, I would like to be calm, cool, and collected during all of life's stressful moments. But the truth is, I really am not a calm, cool, and collected person. I scream like the house is on fire when I step on something that feels sort of fuzzy. I get excited and anxious all at once when I am anticipating something. So, I don't really know why I thought receiving life changing news would be any different.

Anyways, I've found that I have to stay busy somehow while I wait for the mail from day-to-day. As a kind of Type A personality, I really don't like sitting around and accomplishing nothing. So, I've found a few great ways to pass the time.

Eating and cooking. Oh, this one is baaaaad. I know in my heart that I should not resort to cooking when I am bored. It is so not good for my health. For some strange reason, it seems to calm my heart. I've been trying to realize that when I eat, I need to actually be HUNGRY (what a concept!). It's been a kind of interesting struggle.

Cleaning. Cleaning is another thing I enjoy doing to pass the time. In my house, there is always something that needs cleaning or organizing (mostly my personal items). Getting things ready for college is a good way to stress out about other things besides waiting for the call to come.

Reading. I've been reading a lot of historical non-fiction lately. Although this may seem like a weird genre to find solace in, I LOVE reading about things that have actually happened. Right now I am reading a book about the Watergate scandal (All the President's Men) that I absolutely adore. It goes perfect with a cup of hot chocolate and a journalist notepad sitting nearby. I'm a pretty average reader when it comes to speed, but taking the time to comprehend what I'm reading is a perfect way to pass the time.

Sleeping. I try to be real on my blog. I've been doing a LOT of napping the past few days. All the worry I go through is absolutely exhausting. I've never felt so drained; it has been reoccurring every day for the latter end of the week. So, I have the luxury of napping. I nap, wake up from my nap, and then go back to sleep. Somehow, I manage to still go to bed at my regular 10:30 and wake up at 6:30 in the morning. The human body is incredible!

Shopping. Another bad habit I've been getting into is shopping when there is nothing else to do. It doesn't feel like I break the bank when I go out, because I have been doing most of my school shopping at thrift stores. I'm becoming more and more of a thrifter the more I wait for this mission call. So much that I was seriously looking at a luggage set going for fifteen dollars and trying to justify why I needed it. I've been combating this urge to get out of the house and shop with having a list of things that I need for college. If it isn't on my list, I will usually not buy it. Unless it is a modest dress for five dollars ... then I will totally buy it.

Church-ing. Church has been providing nice breaks for me. On Tuesdays, I have Mission Prep and Institute to look forward to. There is always more that I could be studying in the scriptures or praying or thinking about life. I went out with the Sister missionaries in our area last night. I have become more and more grateful for the gospel as I have gone through this process. I am pumped to share it with others!

Dreaming. This is very different from sleeping. I have had a lot of time, it seems like, in the past few days to picture where my life is heading. I look every couple of hours at the world map that is now hanging in our living room and wonder where in the heck I'm going to be spending my 18 months as a missionary. I dream about going to exotic places and places that are almost like home. I dream about opening my stinking mission call. I'm impatient. I'm FREAKING OUT. I simply cannot WAIT to open it.

But I guess I'll have to.

PS. I don't think I mentioned in the actual post ... I haven't gotten my call yet. I've been waiting for the mail for the past two days and I've been disappointed every time. :(

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