graded english assignment

I am a little bummed out. I turned in all of my papers in to BYU Independent Study, and today I received one packet back.

So far, I have gotten a 98 on my assignments that I have had to write.

I know that doesn't sound too bad, but when I looked at those papers, I knew that it wasn't the grade that I deserved. I looked at the answers that I wrote for To Kill a Mockingbird that were "so thorough" and I remembered that I had already read that book several times. I looked at my persuasive essay (that I wrote last year -- it was the same assignment, so I didn't consider it cheating) and I realized that I have really degraded when it comes to my writing skills. For me ... this is big. This is a HUGE realization. Writing is one of my special talents (in my own opinion) and I saw the half thought out papers and I wanted to cry.

How did I write that? Did I actually write that paper?

But it's true. I wrote every single page, and most of it was terrible! TERRIBLE. I made silly mistakes and I could see where I could have expounded a certain idea.

Hind sight really is 20/20. (But so is my regular eyesight.)

Yesterday, I went to bed crying. I realized that I had gotten nothing done this week. I did a lot of babysitting ... a lot of being sick ... a lot of watching movies about Jesus and princesses ... but I learned nothing. I did ONE lesson of Spanish the whole week. I studied for two finals I have next Monday for a total of TWO hours. (So not ready). I felt a little useless ... and a LOT disappointed in myself.

I have been having legit nightmares that I will go back to school and I wont be able to function. That my teachers will ask me to do something I can't do. I am pretty sure I am a freak in that phobia area.

I really, really, REALLY hope that there is a good reason for this. I know that there is. I know that there are things I need to learn that I can't in school. But I feel like there is a lot that I am missing by not going to school. Not even socially. I miss doing math. I miss writing good papers. I miss time away from the computer and actually thinking for MYSELF instead of vegging off of what the computer gives me.

On the bright side (I just reread over this post and it made me want to go sit in a dark room. Sorry.) Heavenly Father is looking out for me. I know that he loves me. Now I need to find the motivation to get things done. And I can do it.