cutting it off

Yesterday, I did something that swore I would never do ...

I cut off my EFY bracelet.

It was a traumatic experience that had to be done; the band was cutting into my hand, making it unbearable to do anything. I felt fear as I pulled out the nearest kiddie scissors to seal the deal, and I'm not exactly sure why. Was it fear of not having it there to comfort me when my events of the day were upsetting? Actually -- I'm diving into my subconscious when I say this -- I think it is because I am terrified of forgetting. I have had nightmares where I walk through stacks of books looking for anything about my life, but since I haven't written anything there is nothing to be found. I hate clutter but anything that holds any sort of sentimental value is tucked carefully away into two or three boxes.

I'm a little ridiculous.

Any who, as I was snipping away at the band, I felt like there was huge symbolism in what I was doing. These past few weeks at school I have been painfully missing EFY. As I sat doing my homework, I would think to myself about how long it had been since EFY and then would replay my favorite parts like a faded VHS. But this was no substitute for actually living life, so my initial happiness that came with remembering was kind of false. I had a similar reaction when we got home from China -- I was just so stinkin' scared to forget. So, once I had a legitimate excuse, I took scissors to the thing that reminded me the most (every day, every second of every day) of my experiences. And when I cut it off, I felt a strange relief.

I think it was a realization that I don't need to literally be attached to that bracelet anymore. I have a meticulous journal that I kept during the summer. I have tons of pictures. I have this blog. I even have a painting on my wall. Anytime I missed anything about EFY, I could just come to these. Cutting my bracelet cut me off from the numbness of accepting the here and now and really helped me to visually picture what it means to live in the present -- remembering the past and looking to the future.

My bracelet now resides in my little box at the side of my bed. It's becoming fast friends with my travel brochures from China and letters from my friends and family. And every once in a while, I peek in to make sure it's real.

Because, after all, this is EFY we're talking about.