October 16, 2016

my new dream come true

The past six months have been one heck of a ride. My life plans have seismically fluctuated from one extreme to the other.

I'm going to Idaho, for sure.
I'm staying in Provo.
I'm moving to St. George.
I'm staying in Provo.
I'm going home for a while.
I'm staying home.
I'm going to Idaho, maybe?
I'm going back to Provo.
I'm going back to Idaho, for sure.

I can't believe that all of these plans have legitimately existed in my mind within such a short period of time. I don't think that my parents can believe it either (shout out to them for being so patient as I have worked through my decisions).

Each change in plan came with the death of all previously conceived plans. With each plan, I allowed myself to peak forward into my bright future; my life was almost like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, with each happy ending a seemingly inevitable reality. With every change, I thought, surely this is the straightforward plan from Heavenly Father that I've been waiting for. I craved stability, but as circumstances changed, I tried to change my plans with faith. That bright horizon was somewhere in my future. Heavenly Father promised me some big things and he was going to deliver. At least, I sure hoped that He was.

I finally settled into the idea of living in Rexburg for another semester. As I thought about coming back to school, I was excited, but the memory of my previous dreams plagued me. The thought that kept coming to my mind was, I need you in Provo. And my response always was, Then why did you send me here? These questions and doubts lingered in my mind in the form of "what ifs" and "it could have beens," keeping me awake at night weeks after I had unpacked my boxes. 

Those doubts have long been quieted, especially after seeing the hand of the Lord so abundantly. It's kind of nerdy, but I LOVE school. Learning is amazing, and coming back to school always helps me to value the growth that comes from expanding and changing paradigms. The GIGANTIC bonus to continuing my education this semester has been the people that God has put into my life. My roommates, classmates, FHE brothers, and ward family have shaped me and molded me in an eternal way. My brother, Spencer, is at college for the first time, and I have LOVED living right next to him. For those reasons (and SO many more) I have come to peace with the fact that I am supposed to be in Rexburg right now. Gone are the what ifs ... and I'm just living the dream.

But I still felt a longing for Utah. More progress and growth seemed to await me there. After months of going back and forth between plans, however, I wasn't sure if going to Provo was Heavenly Father's will or just some mortal desire that I wanted. After talking to basically everyone that I came into contact with about my dilemma, I decided that the best thing that I could do while waiting for further light and knowledge was to keep my options wide open ... so I started a transfer application.

I started the application, but I was having a hard time getting the application finished. Near the end of September, I had finished everything but the endorsement from my church leaders. By some miracle, my application was sent at the last possible second before the October 1st deadline ... so all that remained for me to do was to wait for an answer.

This answer was going to help me decide whether I would finish out my education at BYUI or BYU really quickly. Because of BYU's credit transfer limit (and the large amount of credits that I've accumulated the past couple of semesters), a rejection would mark my last opportunity to apply. An acceptance would cause some discomfort due to the lack of confidence that I had been feeling about my ability to make well-thought-out decisions ... but I started to become more and more confident that this discomfort was something that I wanted. I felt my desires shift. Instead of praying to be able to know what I should do, I prayed that I would be accepted. Provo became my new dream.

Yesterday, after weeks, the long awaited email popped up in my inbox: "A decision has been made ..." I read the words several times before clicking the link that would reveal what decision had been reached. In that moment, I knew. I knew that the desire that I had to be in Provo was something more than a mortal desire. I knew that going to Provo was Heavenly Father's will for me. When I saw that I was accepted, I burst into tears. 

It was kind of like this (music and everything!):

Gratitude filled my heart. Just as much as I know that I am supposed to be in Rexburg now, I KNOW that I am supposed to move to Provo. And that finality, especially in the contrast of so much uncertainty, is bliss.

This time, it's really happening, friends. Dreams do come true.

I'm moving to Provo.

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