the pursuit of perfection

I just ordered my Senior Pictures and they look pretty swell. I've been doing a pretty terrible job about taking pictures of my life, so expect to see a few of these beuts popping up every once and a while.

Although it looks like I have been stinking this year at existing ... I am actually doing really, really well. I keep up a journal on the computer, but it is not connected to the internet and really only consists of my rants so you're not missing much. Just know, I'm alive. I'm writing. I'm well.

Our new semester started ... and I'm really thriving. After some intense social changes in my life (they actually weren't too drastic), I have been able to really focus on my learning styles and play to strengthen my education. I've been writing and reading consistently, which is something that I thought high school had completely zapped from me. I love learning. I love it almost as much as I love breathing. I forgot about how much I loved learning until I totally went without, and now I can truly appreciate how knowledge is an important godly quality.

One thing that I have come to realize about the attainment of knowledge is that it never, ever stops. There is so much that I will never know, and that scares me, but while I'm alive, I totally want to soak up as much information as I can.

This realization has kind of guided me in my thoughts for the future. Actually, it has guided my planning in many ways. Because I can now see myself as I really am and as I really can become, I can sense a lot of work ahead of me, but I can also sense a lot of potential. I am sure that this is true of every person that has ever lived ...

Anyway, I like thinking about the potential I have. I think that is what propels me every day to return to school ... even when I feel lonely or completely exhausted, it's entirely worth it because I can feel the improvement that is occurring in me. I have gotten less and less patient with busy work, but more and more patient with people. I can comprehend literature much better than I ever have been able to before. Although my blog doesn't read like it, I have also gained some insight on how to improve my writing. My critical thinking skills are being carved out of a painful physics course. A love of history is thriving in my brain. It's really awesome to think about how far I've come in less than six months!

Even with all that potential and improvement I've been experiencing, I feel like I especially have a lot of work to do. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed at all the things I should be doing. I should be writing a page in my journal document a day. I should be doing much better as an editor of the newspaper and in my callings. I should be improving my teaching skills. Ay ... it's an ever growing list that remains running through my head through most of the day. But I know that Heavenly Father is able to take my weaknesses that are very real and turn them into strengths.

For example, tonight, I attended a missionary preparation class. I love these classes. They are taught by my dad and are the highlight of my week. We basically follow a lesson book based on Preach My Gospel and we prepare to be better missionaries. I could completely relate to my friend, Thomas, when he said that he is humbled every time he goes to the class. I am ALWAYS humbled when I realize how infantile my knowledge of the gospel and how to present it is. I have a lot of enthusiasm, but I'm not a great teacher ... yet. Today we role played (which is something I have always kind of loathed); we were just explaining one scripture to an "investigator." I found myself struggling and could identify exactly what I did wrong each time I thought back on my little discussions ... but I also saw that I was improving a little bit each time I explained. The practiced helped me to visualize the potential I have within me if I will just put forth a little effort.

Jeffrey R. Holland, pretty much the coolest guy ever, said that, "The bar is not an obstacle to get over, but a vision to reach for." I think that this is SO true! (And not just because Elder Holland spoke it). Sometimes I see the things I need to be doing and I think about Christ and his perfect example and I am flustered. I am not perfect. But when I take a step back and really look at Christ and his mission, I am awed. Because that's the whole message! I'm not perfect, but he is ... and through him, I can be perfect. It's pretty amazing, actually.

I set the bar at perfection ... and I reach and reach and reach.